DH's mom request was too much since I'm heavily pregnant!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2008
DH's mom request was too much since I'm heavily pregnant!
8
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 4:34am

Hello, I would like your opinion on this one. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and just waiting for my beautiful baby to come out. I feel very tired at this point and avoid to leave the house unless is with my DH.

Yesterday after lunch we went to my DH's uncle's home to spend a few time with family and enjoy a bit of the swimming pool, since it's wonderful for me to be inside water and don't feel my weight! My DH's mother was also there as well as another uncle and we enjoyed a few time together.Then around 6pm that uncle was going to leave and asked my DH's mom if she wanted a car lift home (she doesn't drive or have a driving licence) since her home is on his way. She said no thanks.

Then around 7pm I asked my DH if we could head home as well since I was getting really tired and we still have to drive home. When we were preparing to leave, his mom asked us if we could take her home since her sister (the owner of the house) picked her up and so she didn't want to bother her again... my DH didn't know what to say and I just said "I'm sorry but not today, I'm heavily pregnant and very tired". And her sister said she doesn't mind to take her home. My DH's mom was shocked with me saying no but in reality I'm the one who's shocked with her request! Y

es, in the past we picked her home and took her home frequently, but this is not a normal situation now! Also, we live on the opposite part of the city and her home is not on our way home. Also, I think that when my DH's uncle left and asked her if she wanted for him to took her home and she said no, she should have asked me or my DH if we can take her home later or not.

I didn't like that she didn't do this and then asked us to take her home when we were leaving, in front of everyone. It sounds like doing a little pressure to me and I don't like it. Also, her sister doesn't work or have any responsibilities, she can easily take her home. And there was still another third uncle in the house that could take her home as well! It's easier for them to take my DH's mom home that it is for me and my DH.

And I don't like to feel like an object you know? Like everyone pretends to be interested in me but they're really interested in the baby only, and they do these kind of things not giving a damn to how I feel like at this stage. I think that I should be the one being shocked and sad not her! My DH totally understood me and it made sense to him, but later that day his aunt called him saying his mom was hurt... no comments!

I would like to hear your opinion about this one please, thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008

ritesha - Wow!!! You did exactly the right thing at the right time - good for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2008

Thank you for your reply! I also think I did well and I'm happy in having said no.

I'm just a bit sad with her because I used to get along well with her and liked her, but since I got pregnant and now with this that happened yesterday very often her attitudes show that I'm an object to her, like just a means to an end (the baby). I told her yesterday during the afternoon that I'm very tired and she didn't give a damn. It's like if it wasn't me it would be any other woman, do you understand what I mean?

At this moment I don't even feel like having her around when the baby's born.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004

I am actually pretty proud of you saying no.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008

I do understand but truthfully, I doubt she's even all that much concerned about the baby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2008

I agree with you summergirl123.

Well, since i'm pregnant and after my baby girl's born, me and her are on top of my priorities. My baby of course but me as well because I need to be all right to take care of her. And I don't really care to whom I say no to their faces. I say it if I feel like it.

I don't know if I was more shocked with her request having 3 different people to take her home, or if I was shocked because she said for us to take her because her sister already picked her home that day. Well, her sister (my DH's aunt) doesn't work, doesn't have any health issue and lives closer to her house than we do! So she was showing a lot of awareness for her needs but none to mine or the baby.

Of course she can come over to our place to see the baby, but I don't want her around a lot of the time and don't want her help in anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

I don't necessarily think it means your MIL doesn't care about you...she just might have not been thinking at all.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Ritesha,

Congratulations on your impending delivery. I hope all goes well for you and your child.

I think family often just assumes they can ask anything of other family members and never get pushback. I agree your MIL probably didn't think about your needs or convenience before she asked for a ride home. She just assumed you'd say yes no matter whether it was convenient for you or not. And, by now, she should know she is at the mercy of others schedules and convenience if she relies on someone else for a ride. But, like I said, I think she just assumes her kids will always say yes without regard to their needs.

I also agree you did a great job of immediately setting the boundary by saying no, offering just enough explanation but not too much (and not trying to justify your response), and then leaving as planned. I find it interesting that your UNCLE was the one who called and said your MIL had her feelings hurt. She obviously knows how to manipulate people. (If my Mother does stuff like that my comeback is, "Mom, you're capable of being an adult. Be one!")

I would let sleeping dogs lie i.e. her "hurt feelings" because I think she's probably just old-fashioned jealous of not being the center of attention right now with the birth of your child so near. And, yes, I believe people do become over-focused on the baby to come and "forget" about the woman carrying it. Most of the time they don't even know they are doing that! (If you showed them a video of their behavior toward you they'd be amazed!)

EVERYTHING will change after the birth of your baby. Relationships shift, alliances change, loyalties disappear or appear, and the pecking order will be different, i.e. some

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Congrats on your coming baby. What a wonderful time for you but also your emotions are all over the place. Like the others I agree that you were right to say no if you were too tired. You handled the situation well & your MIL needs to get over her hurt which she will immediately when she becomes a Grandmother. Your needs right now need to take priority as you have a major life change coming your way. It's possible your MIL never thought of the drive as making you more tired if you had driven her home a lot in the past. She may also have wanted a little alone time with you away from the family because us moms/grandmoms can be selfish when sharing with others.

When you are pregnant, it's common to feel that everyone is interested in the baby & not you. They greet you with how is the baby, they run to pat your tummy & they forget about you. This will only get worse when the baby arrives but please understand that most people don't mean to exclude you & it's not that they don't care about you. It's the excitement of the baby. I hope you will be pleased with their love/reaction as it's focused on your child. It's hard to take 2nd place to your child but really in the majority of cases it's just done thoughtlessly. I adore my DD, she was my miracle baby & my world revolves around her & her brothers. However, since my little grandson has arrived, he is the first thing I think of when they walk through the door & yes, sometimes I have to remind myself to even say hi to my DD. We have talked about this when I brought it up not wanting to intentionally hurt her. She is cool with it as she knows I don't love her any less, I'm just so happy with this gift she has given me & allows me to share with her.

This is just an opinion of a loving Mom & Grandma whose kids are very quick to tell me when I step over the line or do something they aren't happy with. So far, it seems I haven't done anything wrong in 5 yrs of being a grandparent. Just lucky, I guess.

Dee