I don't demand boundaries. I expect them just like the previous poster. However, my in-laws and my DH's whole family do not even know the meaning of boundaries or respect the ones my DH and I have set. I expect even more boundaries than my DH though.
Neither DH or I were raised with a whole lot of boundaries--particularly DH. It's still a learning process for both of us. The general rule we've learned to stick by is this though: we have a lot of talks about what's acceptable and unacceptable to us in terms of boundaries with our parents (we're both only children so there tends to be a lot of focus on us by them). We can usually come to agreement fairly quickly. When it comes to enforcing our own boundaries, it's not so much that we demand them of people as we take the responsibility to enforce them.
For example, I believe that our money situation is our business alone (how much we make, bills, any debts, etc.). We do not talk about it with anyone else. Now, my dear MIL has often asked my DH about the details of our financial situation. Because we've agreed that it's between us, DH does not engage in that conversation. He tells his mom that this is between him and I and that's it. He changes the subject and moves on.
It's not easy to do. You have to be willing to be a little abrupt and let people know that this is something that's simply not okay. If you're like me, and hate confrontation, that can be ROUGH. But overall, when boundaries are enforced, our life goes so much more smoothly.
I must say I agree with these other people on that I expect boundaries. To me that is just the respectful way to be. I am extremely pissed off and stressed out over what my mother-in-law did to me this weekend, so stressed out to the point that my psoriasis that has not flared up since I was a child is in full force, I never thought I'd see the day it came back like this! Was reading online and it says the flare ups are caused by stress.....go figure. So here's what happened.......
Thursday night DH says to me, why don't you call my mom and see if she can watch the kids Saturday while we go out to dinner? Ok fine, so I call and ask her, she says she is watching my SIL's baby at 5pm if we want to bring the kids over to her (mil's) house. I said no that's ok because my second son is a baby as well and I didn't want to just dump them off like that when she was going to be having her hands full with the one baby already. I said we'll just ask you to watch them next time. She said, well how about if you bring them here on Sunday then? I said ok. So Sunday we show up at mil's house ready to drop off the boys.......low and behold who is there? SIL's baby!! Then mil continues to tell me that she wound up not watching him Saturday and he was there that day. Well she knew I didn't want to leave the kids with her if she was watching the other baby only because to me I feel like I'm putting a burden on somebody if I do that, even with my own family, I won't ask my sister to watch my kids because she has her hands full with a 3 year old and a 7 month old, I would feel like I was putting too much on the person, it doesn't matter who it is, mil or not, I don't think it's right. So I'm thinking, well then why the hell didn't she call me and say she was not going to be watching him Saturday so then she watch our guys Saturday? Well I thought to myself, she thought she would be sneaky about it and go around me that way, which I saw as completely disrespectful. I was soooo mad, hubby and I just went up the road to eat dinner and were back in an hour, I was not about to let them spend any lengthy amount of time there after that manuever she pulled.
DH said I was getting overly upset over nothing, I said no, she knew I didn't feel comfortable leaving the kids there if she had the other baby and instead of calling and telling me plans had changed, she just went ahead and did what she wanted anyway. I told him, to me that is disrespectful and I told him, from now on, I am not ever asking her to watch our kids again. I said, if you want her to watch them then you be the one to call and arrange it and even then, she comes to our house to watch them or she doesn't watch them at all.
Don't you think your MIL is old enough to decide what to much for her? If she didn't think she could handle several kids she would have said so. I'm a moter in law. Why is it a stranger comes into your life and suddenly people feel the need to change them? They are all her grandchildren right? So with this theory at holidays the kids will have to come at separate times. Is there some reason you don't want them around other kids? It's fine to shelter you child but at some point you have to let things go.
I think that you and I have the same coniving, sneaking, disrespectful MIL. I must say that I think that you have every right to be pissed or livid. GOOD LUCK IN the future .
WOW. I can't get over how nosey people really are? Your MIL asks you about your finances?! My MIL did that last year and she got so pissed off when I told her that it was NONE of her business. She told my DH and (THANK GOD) he completely backed me up. My MIL runs her mouth about how much my dh makes. How do you deal with nosey Il's.
I have certain boundaries with my in-laws and I haven't had too much of a problem with them about it. They pretty much mind their own business and don't meddle in our life together.
I guess my point is once you have raised teenagers, little babies are a piece of cake. As far as the money , when someone asks me how much I make I reply "Not enough." That shuts down any reply.
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in-laws and my DH's whole family do not even know the meaning of boundaries or respect the ones my DH and I have set. I expect even more boundaries than my DH though.
Neither DH or I were raised with a whole lot of boundaries--particularly DH. It's still a learning process for both of us. The general rule we've learned to stick by is this though: we have a lot of talks about what's acceptable and unacceptable to us in terms of boundaries with our parents (we're both only children so there tends to be a lot of focus on us by them). We can usually come to agreement fairly quickly. When it comes to enforcing our own boundaries, it's not so much that we demand them of people as we take the responsibility to enforce them.
For example, I believe that our money situation is our business alone (how much we make, bills, any debts, etc.). We do not talk about it with anyone else. Now, my dear MIL has often asked my DH about the details of our financial situation. Because we've agreed that it's between us, DH does not engage in that conversation. He tells his mom that this is between him and I and that's it. He changes the subject and moves on.
It's not easy to do. You have to be willing to be a little abrupt and let people know that this is something that's simply not okay. If you're like me, and hate confrontation, that can be ROUGH. But overall, when boundaries are enforced, our life goes so much more smoothly.
I must say I agree with these other people on that I expect boundaries. To me that is just the respectful way to be. I am extremely pissed off and stressed out over what my mother-in-law did to me this weekend, so stressed out to the point that my psoriasis that has not flared up since I was a child is in full force, I never thought I'd see the day it came back like this! Was reading online and it says the flare ups are caused by stress.....go figure. So here's what happened.......
Thursday night DH says to me, why don't you call my mom and see if she can watch the kids Saturday while we go out to dinner? Ok fine, so I call and ask her, she says she is watching my SIL's baby at 5pm if we want to bring the kids over to her (mil's) house. I said no that's ok because my second son is a baby as well and I didn't want to just dump them off like that when she was going to be having her hands full with the one baby already. I said we'll just ask you to watch them next time. She said, well how about if you bring them here on Sunday then? I said ok. So Sunday we show up at mil's house ready to drop off the boys.......low and behold who is there? SIL's baby!! Then mil continues to tell me that she wound up not watching him Saturday and he was there that day. Well she knew I didn't want to leave the kids with her if she was watching the other baby only because to me I feel like I'm putting a burden on somebody if I do that, even with my own family, I won't ask my sister to watch my kids because she has her hands full with a 3 year old and a 7 month old, I would feel like I was putting too much on the person, it doesn't matter who it is, mil or not, I don't think it's right. So I'm thinking, well then why the hell didn't she call me and say she was not going to be watching him Saturday so then she watch our guys Saturday? Well I thought to myself, she thought she would be sneaky about it and go around me that way, which I saw as completely disrespectful. I was soooo mad, hubby and I just went up the road to eat dinner and were back in an hour, I was not about to let them spend any lengthy amount of time there after that manuever she pulled.
DH said I was getting overly upset over nothing, I said no, she knew I didn't feel comfortable leaving the kids there if she had the other baby and instead of calling and telling me plans had changed, she just went ahead and did what she wanted anyway. I told him, to me that is disrespectful and I told him, from now on, I am not ever asking her to watch our kids again. I said, if you want her to watch them then you be the one to call and arrange it and even then, she comes to our house to watch them or she doesn't watch them at all.
WOW. I can't get over how nosey people really are? Your MIL asks you about your finances?! My MIL did that last year and she got so pissed off when I told her that it was NONE of her business. She told my DH and (THANK GOD) he completely backed me up. My MIL runs her mouth about how much my dh makes. How do you deal with nosey Il's.
Laura
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