Does anyone else ever feel like this with MIL...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Does anyone else ever feel like this with MIL...
23
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 1:09pm

I was in a good mood this morning and of course that always makes me do things I might not otherwise do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

I WISH my MIL would have not responded!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2001

My MIL is exactly like this.

I use to tell myself that I refused to change the way I did things because of her dysfunction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008

Thanks Bumblingalong - My MIL - is a mean spiteful - vendictive person.

Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010

I understand what you are saying, but I don't deal with it, with an MIL.....my own mother does this to me!! It's annoying as he11!

I try to tell her on phone or email about granddaughter & I barely get, that's great.....'sometimes' she shocks me.

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2001

It's so sad when parents behave this way.

Some personalities just understand others' achievements (even their own childrens') as slights against them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008

It gets even better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008

A person, with a parent, like that, has to learn to live their own life & keep the distance, unfortunately. *sigh*

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007

You can't honestly beleive that your ILs choosing to spend more time with their adult daughter than their adult son is the same as child abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2001

I'm going to have to stick up for Summergirl on this one.

Of course, someone chosing to spend more time with their grown daughter than with their son, doesn't seem like child abuse.

But . ..

That's the think about familiar emotional abuse . . . it sneaks up on you . . . it's hard to put your finger on . . . it jumps from generation to generation . . . it's difficult to point to and say convincingly "THAT'S CHILD ABUSE".

I can relate to this. Everything Summergirl says, is something I've experienced.

My own inlaws have a summer time share in a popular vacation spot in our state. Prior to even meeting my spouse (or inlaws), I would often vacation in this area myself. I go there anywhere from 2 to 6 times a summer. My inlaws spend one week there each summer. When I married into my inlaw family, one of the things that I found immediately dysfunctional was their dolling out invites for this vacation week; certain people were invited, and very distinctly others were not. In the begining of each summer (early in our marriage), H would get a call at work informing him that he made the invite list. I would get a call at home making SURE I understood that I was NOT invited. It was strange to get an actual call that was a "dis-invite". It certainly wasn't anything I had ever dealt with before. And H's "invite" was more of a summons; he had to come or else.

The expectation was that my husband would vacation with his FOO (family of orgin) without his wife.

Now, as I said, I hade a history of often visiting this area myself.

MIL found out about this, and became paranoid that I might be in the same area when they were there; and they meant their "dis-invite" to include the entire county.

Weird as hell.

They started acting really, really weird (like even wierder than they normally are) sure that I would somehow "crash" their vacation - like I had ANY interest in pushing myself into somewhere where I clearly wasn't invited.

This is clearly dysfunctional.

Sure you may say, "apparently your inlaws liked spending time with certain family members more than others - that's hardly abusive", but that not really what was going on. The inlaws were quite intentionally trying to put a wedge in my marriage. Beyond that, they had developed quite a system of dolling out their "approval" and "disapproval" with these invites.

It was dysfunctional. It was cruel. And it truly was abusive.

My H was a grown man at the time, so it was hard for me to see him as a victim. So his family didn't love (or even like) his spouse. I thought he should "man up". Yet he had been conditioned in his family to take on these sort of "shaming dis-invites" by changing his behaviors (or company) to comply to what MIL wanted.

When I truly understood that this crossed the line into abuse is when this stuff started seaping through to the next generation. Suddenly, one underage niece was invited and her sister was frozen out - and the parents (my H's siblings) went along with it, thankful that MIL's disapproval was aimed toward their children instead of themselves.

And then the parents themselves started behaving the same way. I have a BIL whose eldest daughter's son (his grandson) is four years old. BIL has met him once. Niece comes home (she lives 1500 miles away because her spouse is in the military) once a year. Every year BIL has an "unexpected" family vacation pop up when she is in route. This is typical of how his own parents acted. It's just another generation of the same damn family abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009

I have two of the most dysfunctional, abusive parents you'd ever meet.

 

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