At the end of my rope!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
At the end of my rope!!!
13
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 3:51pm

Hello all,

 

Well my story has not changed a bit.  I decided on Easter that we would no longer go around my inlaws anymore and here a few reasons added to all the rest of the things we have been through.  1.  I gave my DH a surprise bday party and did my best to invite everyone in his family.  All they had to do was come - I provided food, dj, our home, drinks, and it was just pure fun until......

The inlaws came and did their best to destroy any bit of happiness there was.  As soon as we told my DH SURPIRSE! one of his aunts came and asked him why her son was not invited, his mother came and asked why I sent the invitation the way I did (they didn't like the words, how it came (it came in the mail 1 week early btw), who I invited and who I didn't invite).  Told him all of this DURING his party and before we arrived, they talked about me in our home to his friends!!   Wowzers right???  Then on top of all of that the inlaws gave him a dinner the next day after the party I gave him that included dinner.  Talk about adding insult to injury...

Then when Easter came around no one spoke to me I am assuming because they were still mad at the party I gave him a  month earlier.  Why did they have a problem with the party?  Let me tell you....because I gave it to him and they didn't.  While we were at his moms house on Easter, she came and got the children that I was playing with and had them go and to a Easter egg hunt....and never said a word to me while she walked right passed me to get my son.  The nerve of her.  When we were looking for our ds to come and play this game with us (DH and I) she told us that he would be there in a bit because he was doing an easter egg hunt.  I was livid!  How dare you come and get my child from me and do a easter egg hunt and not even bother to tell me that is what you were doing.  As if I am not his mother or as if were were not there.  My DH had no problem with it.  Again I didn't make a huge deal of it, but I did let him know that  I didn't like it.

No one talked to me the whole time we were there and I found myself standing in the middle of a field by myself watching my DH and his cousins play football.  I may have well not been there so I left and went home.  I tried to go and be around my DH and he told me to stop following him around...go figure.  He didn't even notice I was gone and I was gon for an hour and a half!!!!

When I returned I refused to be there any longer, especially when I can go to my families home where we are ALL loved and no one is mistreated or ignored.  So I told our ds to get his things so we can go and I was telling everyone (that would even talk, look at me) goodbye.  Then MIL wants our son to go and get the eggs out of her yard...at that time.  I feel she did this at that time because I was ready to go.  He had done that hunt at least two hours before and she never asked him to get the eggs up.  That really didn't bother me as he should have picked up the eggs before leaving, just wondered why she picked that time to tell him.  Didn't say anything though.  While he was picking up the eggs he was whinning and got a spanking.  She took him in the house and babied him up right after he got a spanking.  My DH and I walked in and saw it so I just told my son lets go and we left.  I tried talking to her and she was very rude to me and my DH told me I was being disrespectful to her by calling her too!  WTH...NO ONE will undermind me when it comes to my child.  I have every right to address a situation that involves my son if I want to.  She just didn't want me to say anything to her.

I told him that I was done with them and we were not going back until they accept us as a whole and not just everyone but me.  So T-ball started and she started magically going to all of the practices.......just to talk about me.  One day my son came home from practice and told me that his grandmother and his daddy were talking about me.  I saw nothing but red honestly...I asked my husband about it and he tells me that his mother was just telling him all of the reasons that his family doesn't like me and all of the things that I have done to them. So I asked what did she say just to see.  He told me some crazy stuff about people being mad at me because of somethings they made up about me 4 years ago.  Really 4 years ago.  They made this stuff up and now are mad at me for it!!!  Among the other things she had to tell him he kept denying that she MIL had any problems with me.

I told him how can you say that when she is able to remember what people said about me 4 years ago and make sure she tell you.  He denied everything about her and said that it was everyone else.  Helloooooo, they would not be acting this way if your mother wasn't going to them telling them lies about me.  So one day I was looking for a message that I sent him (just playing in his phone really) and I came across a message she sent him about me.  She was telling him that I don't like his family and the invite to his party said it all.  She really was talking about me to him and I could not believe he would allow her to call me names and say those things.  Then he defended it by saying that she was mad because she can't see her grandson - a bunch of bull S****!!

To me there is no reason she should be allowed to talk bad about me to him.  And to add to that she did it again Sunday.  Sent him a message again talking about me and when I confronted him about it he just looked really dumb founded.  The thing of it is that we had a heated argument last weekend and he said to me everything that she said in that text message.  So that means that he was sitting there talking about me with her.  Oh I forgot to say that he made plans to go to her home on Sunday (our family day) and never told me.  He waited until it was our time and told me that he was going to his mothers.  That is when he talked about me with her.  Now I am sitting here with my heart outside of my body huting so bad because I never in a million years thought the my DH would be engaged in conversations about me with any one else...let alone his mother that he knows doesn't like me.

So I think we need to separate for a while so he can figure out who his family is.  I can't continue to allow him to passivly dismiss any and everything his family does just because he can't deal with them.  But to talk about me with them......unexplainable and not tolerable for me.  Any advice would be great.  Thanks for listening....I had to sum it all up because I could write for days/years

 

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 1:13pm

Have you and your dh tried any marriage counseling? Maybe it would help if your dh heard from an impartial professional about boundaries, respect, etc. Even if he won't go you could benefit from getting counseling alone. Separation/divorce should be the last resort after you two have tried everything to work this out. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 7:06pm
Been there, done that. I do think that a good counsellor is in order, if not for both of you, at least for you. He sounds emeshed in his FOO stuff. and he needs to disengage. Preferably, he needs to choose who he wants as his partner - his mom or you.

My IL did this, this sounds like a passage from me. Either he is going to defend you or not. But, having said that, you do NOT need to be around that, and neither does your son. Yhey say hurtful things about you, it hurts him. You and he can stay home, H can go see mummy. By the way, how OLD is your H? He sounds a bit immature.

Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 12:22pm

Missie,

 

I am so sorry for how you are feeling right now.  If I could "smack some sense" into your DH right now....I would!

 

I honestly believe that your DH hasn't been forced to stand up for you and his behavior is appalling.  To think that he'd not only listen to a person talking "smack" about you but that he'd defend that person to you is horrible.  I think you have every right to consider a separation. 

 

Do you have someplace to go with your son for a while?  I think you need to tell him straight up that you will not tolerate this kind of behavior and until or unless he can prove to you it will stop and that he will never allow anyone to talk badly about you then you will leave and not be back.

 

I just don't understand how he could not only pretend like her conversations were acceptable but also defend the words she's written and that you've read.

 

It comes down to one thing - does he want to be married to you or married to his mommy?

 

You've taken all the right steps.  You've said no more to their behavior and you've stopped your contact with them.  But, MIL and DH are still at it.  MIL is happily going to the practices which I'm guessing she has her Dear son all alone (which she loves) so she's been successful.  She's insulted you, alienated you, treated you like crap and gotten you to step aside for your own well being and now she gets to live happily ever after with you ds and DH.  OH...HE^*()&(&()(  No! is what I would say.

 

I'd be at every practice right there.  I'd follow her around like a magnet making sure she doesn't get any alone time to spew her evilness.  And, I'd never allow DS to go visit her without you present and since you are visiting her - she doesn't spend time with him at all.

 

Don't be afraid to stand up to your DH.  Sometimes people need to know exactly what they will lose unless they are willing and committed to change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 12:12pm

We have been to counseling with two different pastors, a woman first (our pastor at that time), and then a man (our pastor now).  They both told him what HE needs to do, but he won't do it.  The man pastor even gave him suggestions as to how to handle particular situations and he just acts like they don't happen.  Or he tells me that I am just looking for something.  Well it is really easy to spot your MIL being overly rude to me when all 3 of us walk into her home, me and my son had on a coat and she asked my son if he wanted her to take his coat and put it up....as if i am not standing right there in her face.  So was my DH and never said a word.  So I handed my coat to him, in front of her and asked him to put my coat away.  Also it is is easy to see when no one speaks to me.  The last time I was around them, they literally walked up to us standing right next to each other and spoke to my DH and simply walked away after......again as if  I am not there.  MIL won't even invite us over for a visit and hasn't in 3 years....but she will ask for our son, and then turn around and cook dinner and ask my DH if he wants to stop by and grab a plate before going to work (as if I don't cook for him at home).  She has even went as far as to ask for our son and when my DH goes and get him in the morning, she sends a plate of breakfast home for my DH and not me.  Not that I care to eat her food, but it is the principle.  My DH could have very well eaten that plate at her home or before he got home, but he didn't and then said that was what she has left. 

See there has been so many different things that have happened this far that I WOULD sound nit picky if I were to say, but when you are in the situation and you see that people truely have a problem with you, you can very easily point out what they do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 12:13pm

He just turned 30 in March.  That is when I gave the surprise party and they had a fit because I didn't do it the way they wanted me to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 12:33pm

Well Summergirl123,

I went home and did just that.  I told him that I was leaving and that we would not return until 1. He left the house, or 2. He could show me that he was willing and able to stand up to his family.  At this point they are all involved and you are correct MIL is loving it.  I did go to the rest of the practices and she seemed a little bother at first because she stopped coming.  Then she started coming again and my DH found it hard to stand there with me any time of the game.  He went to MOMMY for the entire game as if he came with her!  WTF is that! 

When I confronted him about it of course he said the they were talking about something, but he did it again the next time as well.  Then after the game he wanted me to wait while he took our DS over to her car to talk to her.  NO and NO and NO I said.  He she wants to make a trip all this way to basically be rude to me, she can do it alone. And if he wanted to go and talk to her then he better  be able to do it and get to the car before we get in and leave or else she was going to be taking him home.

He just doesn't' t understand why she can't see her grandchild......HELLO BECAUSE SHE IS RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL TO ME, HIS MOTHER IN CASE YOU MISSED IT FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS!!!!!  I really do want my marriage to work and I know marriage is a hard thing, but family should NOT be the reason things in a marriage are hard.  One would think that we would have money, infidelity, parenting, or other problems...Not MIL and In-Law problems, and especially these dumb reasons and for so long.  Does it ever end?

I guess I just don't understand how someone can continuously be mean and rude to the spouse of someone they claim they love so much.  I did tell my DH that he should wonder why ever since we told them we were getting married they have had nothing but problems since.  Know what he said?  Well my sister really wanted to be a bridesmaid and that was really important to her, so I don't know why you just didn't' t let her.  My response: Because it is not my job to make sure ANY of her wishes or dreams come true.  What do I look like, the dream catcher or something?  And to know this chic is 27 years old behooves me why she acts this way too.  DISFUNCTIONAL is the word that comes to mind right now.

Now don't get me wrong, my family is not perfect by any means.  BUT they mind their own business and don't react to anything his family does while they still remain very nice AND respectful to my DH.  They don't like the things that happen and I don't tell them everything and I think we all know why.:smileyhappy:  

He has been telling me that his marriage is all he wants and now he is not talking with Mommy....or mommy is not talking to him.  The pastors and myself has told him that he needs to SAY things to her and not just ignore her and then after a few weeks of ignoring her, he can't take it anymore and the shenanigans start all over again....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 6:56pm
<< Then she started coming again and my DH found it hard to stand there with me any time of the game. He went to MOMMY for the entire game as if he came with her! WTF is that! >>

He seems a bit dense! Sheesh! That kind of disrespect might be a deal breaker as far as I'm concerned.

What did he say when you issued your well-deserved ultimatum to him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 12:09pm

Yep - but mostly what we've got to do as women is stand up for ourselves.  Our lives have progressed over decades - remember that it wasn't that long ago in our own country where women were not allowed to vote.

It would be nice if these men would stand up to their mommies but for goodness sake, if they won't then we need to.  We need to do this for our families.  I'm a believer that the "crap" stops here.  

I know that things won't change and people won't change unless they want to.  I get that so many of our hubbies were taught to conform and do what their parents told them and that mommy rules.  But, change does happen even if it happens slowly.  In my dh's family - yes, mil was raised by a mom who taught her that it is okay to favor a child over another child.  Well, if I pretend like that is acceptable in my own family simply because my belief that it is not okay causes friction then all that I am doing is stopping the change that needs to happen.

 

No, my mil / fil will not apologize and they will not change. But, as of July 24th I drew the line in the ground and said that this is a house/home/family that does not allow that kind of favoritism.  We are a house that does not allow people to play passive aggressive mind games on us and we stick together.  

 

Missie - you need to stand up for yourself.  If you visit a person who treats you like you don't exist - then do not go.  Believe in yourself and your worth and the worth of your children.  If DH doesn't get it then realize that doing it is way is wrong and he's going to take some time to come around.  But, I'll bet (if you draw that line) like my DH - he'll come around.

 

If he doesn't then (like I've said to myself and with regards to my own relationship) that wasn't much of a relationship to hold on to.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 4:59pm

He has not contacted her since...but I am not sure if this is the answer.  The reason I say this is because this has happened before and as time went, MIL started to make DH feel "bad" by telling him he is not a good some and she did not raise him to be that way (No, she raised him to follow her every wish and command regardless of her actions), and that she cries when people talk about their sons......blah blah blah. 

As far as the deal breaker for me....I am there if this time ends up like the rest.  I don't think I can tolerate being disrespected by everyone in his family and him too on occasion when it comes to them.  I know he can't change his FOO but he CAN change how we react to them, if we react to them at all.  At this point I consider them toxic to me and my family.  If they have that much hate for me, how can they love my seed and further more why would I send my seed to them?  I am trying to raise him NOT to be that way because it can and will ruin his life.

What I really want is for them to get with the program, but we all know that is not likely to happen since they can't seem to get it together even for a party.  I heard a saying once (don't know who said it), and it goes:  "Stop trying to ruin the present or you will find yourself on the wrong side of the future".  I believe this all to be true as MIL keeps whining about missing out on her grandsons life.  You would think that she (in her 50's) would realize that she is the reason.  But why would she realize that when she has her heart set on blaming me for everything.

Oh well I guess you really can't fix " stupid.  Thanks for reading.   I will definitely keep you all posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 5:03pm

Stanging ovation!!!!!!!!!!  You took the words right out of my mouth!!!

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