Everybody loves Raymond, but WORSE
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| Mon, 12-18-2006 - 3:42pm |
Hi,
I am facing a horrible situation with my in-laws. I will try to give the short story. First off, I have a 3 year old child with husband-- we actually finally just got married 3 months ago though. We had been together for 7 years total now, but obviously our son came a little unexpectedly and we decided to get married later so that it would be it's own special event between the two of us... not just because I was pregnant.
Anyway, we have been living across the street from my MIL and FIL since my son was born (3 years). It is the first grandchild. Of course, yes he is very spoiled. Not just by MIL, but SIL, and Great Aunt (Sister to my MIL--which she doesn't have children). They all live in a very close proximity. They all love him dearly-- which is so GREAT, but they are obsessed-- not an under statement. My DH and his two siblings were very spoiled as they were growing up and this is the case with my son. Well, I have some rules that I have for my child and nobody seems to respect these rules. This situation has been confronted in a kind way. I'm very passive because it is the 3 ladies against me and I want to be liked and feel a part of the family and my own DH can't tell them (even though he doesn't like it) so how am suppose to tell them. For example, the Great Aunt was teaching my son at 2-1/2 years old to say "You're Psycho, no you're Psycho". My DH (so did my SIL and MIL) heard her teaching him this, but couldn't even tell her to stop it even though he thought it was the stupidest thing ever. By the way, please know that these people actually would appear to have class, just lacking a little commen sense (apparently). Another example is when the Great Aunt taught my son to plug is ears and say "I can't hear you mommy, I can't hear you". It is like she is pressing my buttons purposely.
Just providing some backgound. My MIL/FIL have a cabin that the family tends to flock to around the long weekends (Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, New Years) and there are about 20 people that stay in this 4 room cabin. Well everybody is up late partying and what not and me with the only child can't get my kid to bed. Not to mention the noise, but that they have been feeding him junk to keep him really crazy. Well, I don't like that. I don't even like it if I wanted to go to bed-- it is too loud. Nobody can sleep until they opted to stop partying. Now not only are they going to the cabin (3 hours from where we live) on the long weekends, but they would like to incorporate this into our calendar as often as possible. The sole reason that going to the cabin has become so popular is because so they can see my son for this whole time. You have to understand that when he is there-- I lose all control of him. They decide what he is going to eat (which is usually too much junk), they decide when he is going to play outside, they decide where he will sleep and he (my son) decides when he will sleep because they allow for that. It just eats me up. In order to get a little control and to be out of the situation we (my DH and son) brought our tent up and slept in that. Well, they didn't like that... How dare us stay in a tent and take our child away from them.
Well, let me explain the most recent situation....
It was right after Thanksgiving, I picked up the vibe that my MIL was mad at me. I assumed it was because we spent Thanksgiving w/ my family, rather than hers and they went to the cabin on following Friday to Sunday and expected that we go and we didn't-- we are renovating our house/husband owns his own electrical company as well--busy, busy. Please also note she has every other holiday (including coloring Easter Eggs and Carving Pumkins-- no kidding)
The next weekend MIL came to my house and I was in my bedroom, on the phone, folding laundry. So I stayed in there because I didn't want to talk to her--mostly because I emailed her asking if everything was alright because I noticed she had been very quiet and she never responded so I was frusterated because she picks and chooses on what emails to respond to. She ended up knocking on the bedroom door and saying "Can you come out so I can talk to you for a minute?". So I said I would be out in a minute.
So I then came out and went into my son's room, where she was. She said "What is going on?" I told her that I had wondered the same thing. I said, I emailed you and asked what was wrong and you never responded and she said that she had a long email started but decided not to send it because email can be taken so wrong. So I said, what was the problem. She said, I just have felt for over a month that something was wrong, like I was being banished. I was like not at all. We are just trying to do our thing. She said that she had to talk about this because on Friday when she saw my DH she talked to him about taking our son to a Christmas lighting ceremony and she said my DH just got so defensive and said that "He just wanted to spend time with his son". She said, I just don't know why he felt he needed to be so defensive and she knew she had to find out what was wrong. BASIC PROBLEM-- BOTH DH and I FEEL VERY INTRUDED ON OUR LIFE AND EVERYTHING IS PLANNED FOR US. Somehow we went into the following:
I said the cabin is not my thing. She cried and said that cabin was built so that her kids and the grandchildren would have memories. I said I just don't like how chaotic it was. Essentially and I probably will explain more to her about this because I think this is going to be used against me most-- I don't like that I lose all decision making for my child and it isn't really child-friendly in their cabin because people are up late being loud and he can't sleep until all the partiers go to bed-- WAY TO MUCH FOR A LITTLE KID!!! I pointed out how he was up until 3:00 in the morning and Great Aunt fed him cake at that time. I said, that was NOT FUNNY AT ALL- IT WAS COMPLETELY STUPID. Nothing about that situation made me happy.
I told her about how she didn't give me a hug on my wedding day and asked how she thinks that made me feel. I told her that I didn't think any of them showed any excitement. She said, she didn't realize she didn't and that I should know that she was happy with all the help she did. I didn't tell her this, but the only thing she did was financially help us (because she did for the other siblings too) and minimal help with putting things together. She of course watched my son which is what she volunteered to do at all times.
I told her that I appreciate their help when they do watch him. Which i do. Sometimes I think we'd be better off hiring a teenager-- but that would really offend them.
I told her that I don't like that they plan all these fun things w/ my son and don't even think that we might want to be a part of it. I told her if they would think of something that sounds like fun, I might want to be a part of it, but I wouldn't want a whole group (SIL, her husband, Great Aunt and her husband MIL, me, DH and my son) to be going. I would like it more individual. I explained when everybody goes I don't even feel like anybody would recognize that I am his mother because I am tailing behind. She asked why that would be important to me. I said because I am proud to be his mother and I want to experience these exciting things with him. I told her also that I want to be the one to decide if he is getting cotton candy and a slurpy, but I can't because it is already done for me.
She told me that I need to tell everybody when they are doing something I don't like. I said, how am I suppose to when my DH can't even be upfront with you guys. I said, DH sat there irritated as ever as Great Aunt taught my son to say "Your Psycho, No your Psycho" and he couldn't even say-- HEY, WHAT THE HECK WOULD YOU BE TEACHING HIM THAT FOR? I said, if he can't be up front, how easy do you think that it makes it for me. I said, why wouldn't it be easy for DH to tell you guys how he feels? She said, probably a respect thing. PLEASE! Where is the respect to Nick and I for our decisions to our child. This crap is all common sense.
I talked about how None of them spend time w/ their other side of the family so they have all this free time. I said, I WANT to spend time w/ my family too. I said, it goes 2 months before I get to see my sister a lot of times. MIL thought for some reason last Easter I spent time w/ my sister when in fact I spent the whole day w/ them and she tried to compare Easter and how she THOUGHT that I spent time w/ my family, but didn't make it important to get over and see them for Thanksgiving. I wanted to laugh... I named all the holidays that they get, that my family does NOT. I can't believe that she can't except the one holiday I have chosen to spend with my family all day!
I told her that if I said, "yes" to everything that they wanted me to say "yes" to -- just to make them happy, then I would be the one that is unhappy and that is NOT fair. I can't do it. I said, NONE of my decisions are made to make them upset, they are made based on what makes "us" happy.
I put her in place! I was very strong. I didn't shy off about anything.
Well, this past weekend-- the day of my son's 3rd birthday...MIL and I fought again. It is at it's worst. I cried my eyes out to MIL while she said the following:
Accusing me as the sole reason my DH was "defensive" with her when she wanted to take him to the Christmas Lighting thing and my DH just wanted to spend sometime w/ my son. I wasn't even going to be home that particular day and MIL knew it so she probably thinks that she automatically was going to be able to have our son because her son (my DH) couldn't possibly say "no" to her. Well, when he did she decideed I must have been the cause of it and that I had all the cards (as she said) She said I am changing him. This is all crap... We are our own family and he does actually like us to be alone together and he actually does realize that they are overwhelming and they aren't making the best decisions for our son.
She insinuated that I am like my mom was as a parent-- which is suppose to be a dig because my mom and I are not close. Obviously I want to be close w/ my son so that is ridiculous.
Tells me that I need to make decisions based on what is good for my son and not what is good for me. Basically I should let my son go up north when ever they ask so he has those wonderful memories. Well, i'm sorry i work full time and I don't want my son gone on the weekends all the time! NO WAY! I enjoy that time with him.
Tells me that all I said was "I, I, I," --insinuating selfishness w/ my decisions for my son.
MIL mentioned my comment about feeling disrespected when they don't follow my requests for what I feel is good for my son. She tells me that I need to respect her -because she has been around a lot longer. Says I tell her things that hurt her, when I should bite my tongue. I told her that my DH said he sometimes feels like he never moved out of his parents house because they are around all the time. I only told her this because she was accusing me that I was the cause of her son changing. I explained to her that her drop in visits didn't really bother me at all-- I just didn't like the amount of time that they were thinking they were entitled to spend away from our home.... He needs structure and guidelines and when they are with him there isn't any.
MIL told me that Great Aunt has been crying all week so I also contact her to get this all out on the table. She said the following:
She said we just have our differences (her and I) which is funny because when she was trying to schmooze me to get my son whenever she wanted she said she connects with me so much and we just have this bond that she loves.
Says that my upbringing may have affected who I am as a mother. Possibly from my parents divorce. Funny thing is -- it did affect me.. I became a very independant woman. I put myself through college and paid for it as I signed up for each semester. Not one ounce of help from anybody. I am a very optimistic person and I really hate when people are mad at me (my family and friends) and this includes them. It makes me so sad and hurt. I worry the damage that they can have on my marriage.
Says that I need to be more confident about my mothering skills. That I shouldn't feel guilty about letting my child go with others as frequent as it helps out with our busy schedule. Says even if they wanted to take my son to Disney World I should be okay with that. Basically, so that it benefits them. Man, if my family was demanding such as this, we wouldn't have any time w/ our son. My family does love our son, but can understand our busy lives.
She also said some insulting things about my mom and my sister.
Well, I thought I could make it short, but obviously I couldn't.
I need advice on how to deal with this or tell me if I am wrong for my feelings-- I need the truth from an outsider.
Please, also understand they see him 3 - 4 times a week and this always includes the weekend, unless they go to the cabin and we don't. They've taken him to his first movie without us, to festivals, the list goes on.
By the way my DH does support me and said he would talk to them (when? I don't know) and he doesn't want me to be upset. I do definitely want him to talk to them, but I am affraid that MIL is going to play a guilt trip on him and then manipulate my words so it causes us to fight. She is the queen of manipulation.

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Good luck.
The idea of therapy is a really good one. They should start it asap in my opinion before the son gets even more spoiled and wayward.
I'd have DH read this post. Explain to him again, just how it makes you feel. This is your family. DH, you and DS. Not theirs. Then have DH back you up the next time something is said, or done. Gently remind him that you need him to help you stand up to them TOGETHER. Then I'd get the whole family together and tell them how it's going to be. I'd explain it to them. Spell it out. Tell them and remind them if they don't like playing by your rules, then they can't play at all. And, then stick to it. This is your child and a grandchild needs to be spoiled. Yes, but my goodness. They don't need to turn him into a psycho little brat that they're trying to. Put your foot down, and keep it there. Tell them first. So they know what to expect. And, the next time they don't respect your family's needs, then out the door you go. Remind them what the rule was and then be on your merry way. No getting angry, no yelling. Just tell them to think about what had been said and what actions they were doing at the time. Maybe they'll straighten out, maybe not. If they don't I guess you'd better hire that teen babysitter.
Good luck!
Sallie
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