Excluded-please help!
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| Sat, 04-28-2007 - 1:10pm |
My husband and I were almost divorced last year. We were through with everything, court money everything but the 90 day waiting period. During that time, we decided to stay together because we do love each other and we do have two kids.
Our whole marriage I have tried to be the perfect wife. Not necessarily for my husband, he loves me no matter what, but for my in-laws. After our “almost-divorce” I gave up the show for my mother in law. I started telling her how I feel. I don’t appreciate her showing up at the door, telling me how to cut onions, raise our children, ect.
My husband is very much a mama’s boy. Everything he does must be approved by mommy. She did NOT want us staying married and neither did his father. And it seems that they are doing everything in their power to exclude me from the family.
As I type this, my husband is out to lunch with them and our girls. I wasn’t even asked if I wanted to go until I got upset about it. When I was crying my husband said “well I asked if you were coming”. About a week ago, he took our girls and spent the day (I was at work) with them and most of the evening until I called, mad, wondering why he didn’t call and say he wasn’t coming home for dinner.
My MIL had made dinner for them and they all had a nice happy family time. Meanwhile I sit at home wondering what is going on.
What should I do? I love my husband very much. I have told him, many many times, how I feel and he does nothing. Changes nothing. He doest like confrontation so he doesn’t say anything to them.
I am being slowly kicked out of the family. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if my MIL was to hire a hit man to make it go faster. I don’t want to divorce my husband, but I hate his family. What do I do?

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Personally, I would try to look at the positive side. You are not being forced to spend time with people that you dislike. I don't think your husband is trying to exclude you from the family unit, I think he is just trying to keep the peace. Look at the time he is with his family as "you time" and spend it doing something you enjoy, but normally don't have time for.
Galfishingfool said -- "Look at the time he is with his family as "you time" and spend it doing something you enjoy, but normally don't have time for."
I agree. Instead of sitting around stewing in your own juices -- have some fun. And let everyone KNOW that you're having fun.
As in -- hubby takes the kids & spends time with the IL's. You call to make sure everyone is OK. Don't do it in a "poor-me" fashion -- as in shrieking down the phone line, "you're ALWAYS excluding me!" Do it in more of a light-hearted fashion (smile when you call, it makes a difference in the tone of your voice) -- "just wanted to check to make sure you're OK. You'll be home when? GREAT! That'll give me plenty of time to soak in the tub/paint my nails/sit on the back porch & throw nuts at the squirrels/whatever other activity you feel like doing." When your husband/kids come home, greet them with a smile & a big kiss & tell them you're glad to see them (and mean it). Thank your hubby for giving you such a lovely present of "me-time." (and mean it)
After all, they say living well is the best revenge. Plus -- eventually it'll get back to your MIL that you're having a grand time. Betcha it'll truly frost her cookies, because I'll bet she's been taking a secret delight in knowing that she's making you miserable.
I think that you and he both need to strike a balance and come to an agreement on how much time he will be spending with his parents without you. I agree with those posters who said that you should be happy that you dont have to interact with these people. You should take the opportunity to get some down time to pamper yourself. Many women dont have husbands who take off with kids for half a day. However, if your husband is going to his parents regularly, like.. once every week for instance, then I could see how it would impinge on your time together and irritate you.
If you dont really want a relationship with your in-laws then be happy that he isnt forcing you to. You can't really ask him to cut them off completely just because you dont like them. However, you can ask him to limit his time with them. Once a month visits, biweekly phone calls.. basically putting distance between himself and his parents is perfectly reasonable, I think. Especially if they dont even pretend to include you. He sounds like he's sort of wimpy. So he probably wont go against them directly, and say "you have to include my wife". But I think that what he might be willing to do is what I said above.. put distance between himself and his parents. See if that works.
If that doesnt work then I dont know what to say other than, see a professional. I know that if I were in this situation it would really damage my relationship with my husband, and I would be willing to take more drastic steps. See how far you are willing to let him go, and take steps accordingly.
Edited 5/2/2007 1:49 pm ET by ellefun
Hi Btrflykisses42, welcome to the board!
I have to agree with Mom2danjam on this one. If it were me and people were acting hateful/cold, etc. towards me, it would be a cold day in you know where before they would get to see my kids. Personally, I think if DH wants to go, he can go by himself and you and the kids can stay behind. Why should they get the benefit of seeing your kids when they are treating you like garbage?
You have made your choice, you have thought long and hard and decided to stay married. So I will not tell you what I would do, or anything about leaving your husband. You are the one to decide, and you have done so. (I bet your kids are glad.)
I agree that you will have to be strong and focus on making the best of your marriage. Look at the good stuff, and put a positive spin on the bad. If your husband is the kind of man to neglest letting you know that he won't be home for dinner, then you will have to learn to be the kind of woman who calls him everyday to make sure whether he IS coming home for dinner. And if he says he is not, then get into the tub, or zip off to the gym, or slip out to the mall...
A woman with a job AND kids has got to ENJOY any me-time that falls in her lap!
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