Excluded-please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Excluded-please help!
11
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 1:10pm

My husband and I were almost divorced last year. We were through with everything, court money everything but the 90 day waiting period. During that time, we decided to stay together because we do love each other and we do have two kids.

Our whole marriage I have tried to be the perfect wife. Not necessarily for my husband, he loves me no matter what, but for my in-laws. After our “almost-divorce” I gave up the show for my mother in law. I started telling her how I feel. I don’t appreciate her showing up at the door, telling me how to cut onions, raise our children, ect.

My husband is very much a mama’s boy. Everything he does must be approved by mommy. She did NOT want us staying married and neither did his father. And it seems that they are doing everything in their power to exclude me from the family.

As I type this, my husband is out to lunch with them and our girls. I wasn’t even asked if I wanted to go until I got upset about it. When I was crying my husband said “well I asked if you were coming”. About a week ago, he took our girls and spent the day (I was at work) with them and most of the evening until I called, mad, wondering why he didn’t call and say he wasn’t coming home for dinner.

My MIL had made dinner for them and they all had a nice happy family time. Meanwhile I sit at home wondering what is going on.

What should I do? I love my husband very much. I have told him, many many times, how I feel and he does nothing. Changes nothing. He doest like confrontation so he doesn’t say anything to them.

I am being slowly kicked out of the family. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if my MIL was to hire a hit man to make it go faster. I don’t want to divorce my husband, but I hate his family. What do I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 11:28am

Personally, I would try to look at the positive side. You are not being forced to spend time with people that you dislike. I don't think your husband is trying to exclude you from the family unit, I think he is just trying to keep the peace. Look at the time he is with his family as "you time" and spend it doing something you enjoy, but normally don't have time for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 12:14pm

Galfishingfool said -- "Look at the time he is with his family as "you time" and spend it doing something you enjoy, but normally don't have time for."

I agree. Instead of sitting around stewing in your own juices -- have some fun. And let everyone KNOW that you're having fun.

As in -- hubby takes the kids & spends time with the IL's. You call to make sure everyone is OK. Don't do it in a "poor-me" fashion -- as in shrieking down the phone line, "you're ALWAYS excluding me!" Do it in more of a light-hearted fashion (smile when you call, it makes a difference in the tone of your voice) -- "just wanted to check to make sure you're OK. You'll be home when? GREAT! That'll give me plenty of time to soak in the tub/paint my nails/sit on the back porch & throw nuts at the squirrels/whatever other activity you feel like doing." When your husband/kids come home, greet them with a smile & a big kiss & tell them you're glad to see them (and mean it). Thank your hubby for giving you such a lovely present of "me-time." (and mean it)

After all, they say living well is the best revenge. Plus -- eventually it'll get back to your MIL that you're having a grand time. Betcha it'll truly frost her cookies, because I'll bet she's been taking a secret delight in knowing that she's making you miserable.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 2:38pm
Nothing has changed. He is still showing who he cares about more. Being excluded like that would be the deal breaker for me and I would be damned if my children would be seeing people who openly show how they hate me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 2:42pm
We are living parallel lives. I, too, married a Momma's boy. He has been told by our minister and a Dr. of psychology that he needed to leave his mother and cleave to his wife. He just can't. It is easier to just keep his mother happy and keep you away- that is why he just took the kids and left. If you would have been there, you would have been treated unfairly and he knows that. It's easier not to be put in the middle of his family's bad behavior and his obligation to you to correct it. There is no easy answer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 3:11pm

I think that you and he both need to strike a balance and come to an agreement on how much time he will be spending with his parents without you. I agree with those posters who said that you should be happy that you dont have to interact with these people. You should take the opportunity to get some down time to pamper yourself. Many women dont have husbands who take off with kids for half a day. However, if your husband is going to his parents regularly, like.. once every week for instance, then I could see how it would impinge on your time together and irritate you.

If you dont really want a relationship with your in-laws then be happy that he isnt forcing you to. You can't really ask him to cut them off completely just because you dont like them. However, you can ask him to limit his time with them. Once a month visits, biweekly phone calls.. basically putting distance between himself and his parents is perfectly reasonable, I think. Especially if they dont even pretend to include you. He sounds like he's sort of wimpy. So he probably wont go against them directly, and say "you have to include my wife". But I think that what he might be willing to do is what I said above.. put distance between himself and his parents. See if that works.

If that doesnt work then I dont know what to say other than, see a professional. I know that if I were in this situation it would really damage my relationship with my husband, and I would be willing to take more drastic steps. See how far you are willing to let him go, and take steps accordingly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 3:27pm
I agree with you! Her not so darling husband is allowing his family of origin to divide his family. After the reconciliation of a marriage that came so close to ending in divorce, this is disasterous, IMO. I would not put up with it for one moment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 1:35pm
It does not seem like your husband is doing a very good job mediating the relationship with you and his family because he probably does not know how. Most likely you are not the only one who may feel uncomfortable around his family, he may feel uncomfortable as well to be with you in the presence of his family. It may seem now like your husband may not be bothered by the exclusion of you in family gatherings, but eventually it will wear on him when he has to spend many holidays without you around or has to choose where to spend his time. And ultimately it will take a toll on you as well. Is this really WHY you stayed together? To be separated from the family? Cause you are already living like a divorced couple. Let your husband know that the final downfall of you marriage should not be his family...cause once you put your lives, your marriage and your happiness in the hands of his family--you have already lost. In a way, he is cheating on you by living a double life...and there is no reason you have to feel cheated out of the marriage and life you want. In the meantime, occupy yourself. Even though it is a temporary fix to a more serious problem, don't let his family have control of YOUR fate. And be damn sure not to let them have your tears cause it's exactly what they want!


Edited 5/2/2007 1:49 pm ET by ellefun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 9:29am

Hi Btrflykisses42, welcome to the board!

I have to agree with Mom2danjam on this one. If it were me and people were acting hateful/cold, etc. towards me, it would be a cold day in you know where before they would get to see my kids. Personally, I think if DH wants to go, he can go by himself and you and the kids can stay behind. Why should they get the benefit of seeing your kids when they are treating you like garbage?




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 11:17am
I agree with some of the other posts that you should use that "free" time to do what you want. Maybe call up some of your friends and have a few hours out with them. As long as you don't already have plans with your family and your dh isn't ignoring that to see his parent's, then show them that you are happy to have some time to yourself. Live for the pleasures in life and have fun doing so.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 2:38pm

You have made your choice, you have thought long and hard and decided to stay married. So I will not tell you what I would do, or anything about leaving your husband. You are the one to decide, and you have done so. (I bet your kids are glad.)

I agree that you will have to be strong and focus on making the best of your marriage. Look at the good stuff, and put a positive spin on the bad. If your husband is the kind of man to neglest letting you know that he won't be home for dinner, then you will have to learn to be the kind of woman who calls him everyday to make sure whether he IS coming home for dinner. And if he says he is not, then get into the tub, or zip off to the gym, or slip out to the mall...

A woman with a job AND kids has got to ENJOY any me-time that falls in her lap!

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