Fair to make DH choose MIL or me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Fair to make DH choose MIL or me?
22
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 7:07am
I need some advice and a listening ear so I can let off some steam. DH and I are in a sticky situation. My MIL's health isn't so good right now, and she should probably be living with someone, but I just cannot live with her. Our personalities conflict a whole lot, she's rude, and we were planning to move out of state around summertime. She still has my BIL and his wife, but his wife has had a lot of back problems, and it would be hard for her take care of MIL. I am gung ho on moving this summer, with or without my DH because I don't want to stay where we're at, and because I won't live with MIL. I know I might sound really selfish and I feel so guilty about this situation because it doesn't seem fair to DH either, but ahhhh!!!! DH's first wife lived with MIL and it was not a pretty situation(I actually sympathise a whole lot more with the ex.wife of my DH than with my MIL.) I am still young- mid-twenties, just starting my career, and there's no way in heck I'd have children while living with MIL probably because there's no way we could be having sex while living with MIL. How do I deal with this? I feel like I should help her out but I don't think that necessarily means living with her and sacrificing my own life. I feel like if it really comes down to it, DH and I might have to separate if he decides he should live with her. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:54am

"Your DH's priorities should be you and the marriage, and not his mother. I understand his mother is not doing well, but you come FIRST. Have you discussed with your DH how you feel about all of this?

Maybe he can get someone to check up on her every day to make sure she eats and is taken care of instead of having her to come live with the two of you. If he decides to move in his mother even though he knows your feelings, then he has made his choice. Either you can accept that he thinks more of his mother than you or you can reconsider everything and know that you are worth more than to have a man who will choose his mother over you."

With all due respect isn't this a very selfish way to look at this situation? I mean of course his wife comes first and he should consider her feelings, but shouldn't she consider his feelings? Shouldn't her husband come first?

Maybe I'm really traditional but I've always felt that kids have a moral obligation to take care of their parents. We all have to sacrifice in a marriage, shouldn't the OP also?
Is she abusive or you just don't get along? I honestly don't think I could ever make a husband or boyfriend choose between me and his mother. It would just seem so wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 12:18pm
I see you have made your decision. A wise person told me "stay firm" and obviously you are so I will too. I had a LONG talk with my DH and he said he will have a talk with MIL and set ground rules and see what her TRUE plans for 07 are and how long she is planning to stay. I will keep you posted and the best of luck to you. Lets stay in touch!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 1:04pm

S_goddess, we will have to agree to disagree on this one.

I don't think that what I said in my reply was a selfish way of looking at it. I made a suggestion as to how his mother could still be taken care of and wouldn't have to live with them. Personally, marriage comes first. When you marry, you say that your spouse comes FIRST. That is the way it is supposed to be. I realize that there are some exceptions to this. However, since she doesn't seem to get along with her MIL too well, that is one of the reasons why I made the suggestion. If the OP would have said that her and her MIL get along great, my response *may* have been a little different.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 1:21pm

I understand that marriage does come first, especially nowadays when a good marriage seems to be more of a dream than a reality. What I got from the Ops post was that she was planning to move out of state and expects her husband to come with her. I do think thats selfish. I guess you could find another option rather than have her living with you, but I think its too much to expect her husband to come move with her and leave his mother. We all sacrifice in marriage and I think she should help her husband take care of his mother and respect the fact that he does want to take care of her. She should put her husband first too and part of putting your husband first is helping him take care of his mom, IMO.

Well I guess you were right, we'll have to agree to disagree. I hope the OP the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 5:14pm

S_Goddess,

I respect that there are people who share your point-of-view. My mom was one of them and she took care of her two parents for quite awhile while working full-time and raising our family. She did this though at the cost of her health and some of her sanity, because my grandpa was never a good father to her and he was abusive to her when she was little and he was abusive to her as an adult. My MIL isn't quite as bad as my late grandpa but it's not just that we have conflicting personalities- she is bossy and can be quite rude at times besides the fact that right now she needs almost full-time care. If a best friend of mine were in my same situation, I would give the advice that she needs to do what's best for her and not sacrifice her health and mental sanity to take care of someone full time who she does not feel capable of caring for. I have already been more than understanding with the money that my DH has to contribute to his mom's living expenses even if it's meant I haven't been able to visit my out of state family for a long time. At this point I have a chance to get out of the cycle that we're in of living from paycheck to paycheck while most of our money goes to his mom's expenses and we live in a cramped space. In some ways it is kind of selfish to not take care of another person related to our spouse, but to be honest, it wouldn't be any more selfish of me to sacrifice myself for his mom and then resent him for the rest of my life because my entire youth went to taking care of his mom. My DH has said he supports me moving and that he hopes he can work things out here so that he can move with me. I don't think people should just divorce at the slightest problem, but people also need to know their limits, and be their own best friends in every sense of the word. Anyway, that's what I've decided during all of this fiasco.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 3:26am
PS Goddess, one thing that you said that I didn't take into consideration in my last post was that we could arrange another way for his mother to be close without me caring for her, but we just don't have the money to put her in a nursing home because my husband's gotten into a lot of debt taking care of her other money expenses. In some ways, me moving is selfish, and I confess that when I got married not too long ago, besides being very young, I did it with my eyes half closed. Unfortunately now there's a lot I have to deal with. Did I mention, BTW, that I'm also helping to take care of his child full-time from his previous marriage? I feel sometimes that I'm at my breaking point, and instead of a nervous breakdown, it's probably better for me to do what I feel is best, and I'm thankful for all of the advice and especially for letting me vent, because it's helped me to find my own solution.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 4:02am

Can I ask you something, if your husband does move with you, who will take care of his mother? You say your job will give you more money, so do you plan on helping him with his mothers care, or basically what will happen to her once you're gone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 6:32am
It's a complicated situation but the thing is that my DH is paying his the mortgage for a pricey condo that MIL is living in. If we move out of state, we're planning on having his mom move into our apartment because it's tiny, but it will give her enough room. Since we could turn the condo over to the bank (the condo story is long and complicated but originally DH bought it for him to live in but then decided to move his mom closer to him when he saw that health was getting worse. Anyway, my MIL still has her own house a few hours away that is empty. My DH actually tried to talk her into renting it but she didn't want anyone else living in her house, so it remains empty although we could really use the money from the rented house to help take care of her living arrangements now. Sorry, lots of info, I know) So, if we could turn the condo back over to the bank, we wouldn't be so burdened financially and have a relative who's older and near retirement who we could count on to take care of her, but we'd have to pay her, obviously, because she needs to support herself too (she's divorced and lives alone now.) Anyway, that was one solution we had. Obviously I wouldn't expect my DH to just pack his bags, say adios to his mom, and hope that she finds a way to get by. We'd need to plan. BTW, like I said earlier, I do have a SIL and BIL who live close by but my SIL, even though she's a stay at home mom, says she can't take care of my MIL because she's too demanding. My SIL has known my MIL for fifteen years, and so she knows what she's like. I've only known my MIL for less than 3 years, but already have an idea of what I'd be getting into.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 6:57am

Okay, this is what I don't understand. She has a house sitting empty, but you guys are paying her way?

Her children need to tell her that the gravy train stops. She needs to sell the house or go live in it. You should not be financing her life, because of what she wants. She doesn't have the right to have her children support her if she has a way to support herself.

Maybe I missed something?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 12:42pm
Your husband and his mother have jointly handled this whole thing so badly and made such a big mess. I think that a man who is a real man and truly cares for you shouldn't be asking you now to take a full share of the burden he has created! cafelover, I truly believe you are a smarter, braver woman than I was. Take care and best of luck to you.