Fair to make DH choose MIL or me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Fair to make DH choose MIL or me?
22
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 7:07am
I need some advice and a listening ear so I can let off some steam. DH and I are in a sticky situation. My MIL's health isn't so good right now, and she should probably be living with someone, but I just cannot live with her. Our personalities conflict a whole lot, she's rude, and we were planning to move out of state around summertime. She still has my BIL and his wife, but his wife has had a lot of back problems, and it would be hard for her take care of MIL. I am gung ho on moving this summer, with or without my DH because I don't want to stay where we're at, and because I won't live with MIL. I know I might sound really selfish and I feel so guilty about this situation because it doesn't seem fair to DH either, but ahhhh!!!! DH's first wife lived with MIL and it was not a pretty situation(I actually sympathise a whole lot more with the ex.wife of my DH than with my MIL.) I am still young- mid-twenties, just starting my career, and there's no way in heck I'd have children while living with MIL probably because there's no way we could be having sex while living with MIL. How do I deal with this? I feel like I should help her out but I don't think that necessarily means living with her and sacrificing my own life. I feel like if it really comes down to it, DH and I might have to separate if he decides he should live with her. Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 8:08am
No, you haven't missed anything, mom2danjam. Basically my DH took on a huge investment and now we as a couple are dealing with it. And all the while I am trying to take care of his mom, work, and study for exams. I'm going to keep my focus right now on finishing my exams and try to put all of my energy into that. Some days my DH talks like he'll try to put all of his financial expenses in order and speak with his mom and work things out and find a longterm way for her to be cared for, and other days he seems too attached to the idea of leaving things exactly how they are and just hoping for the best. anyway, his mom has been here now for over a week, and it hasn't been too bad so far. Every once in awhile she says something to bug me, but, it hasn't been too unpleasant (but her staying here with us isn't a longterm solution, like I've said before.) Since my DH really won't accept any of the advice I have about how we can plan to take care of his mom, I'm just going to leave it up to him to figure out. In the meantime, everytime I start getting angry or upset, I ask myself, "what can I learn about this?" and there is always something, especially planning for the near future and finishing my exams!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 10:11am

Personally, I think you said it best when you said you have to be your own best friend. You are so RIGHT. I think it's smart that you move ahead in the manner that is best for you while he figures out what he believes is best for him.

It sounds to me like your MIL is a master manipulater. Chances are your husband's waffling can be directly correlated to the times he expresses his ideas and concerns to his mother and the guilt trips she gives him whe he does. He goes in strong and comes out as soggy as an overdone noddle.

You probably already now this; but, IF you do wind up divorced next time pick a guy who isn't a Momma's boy. I almost wound up with one. She actually would sit between us when we visited. It was like she had some sort of weird Ophelia Complex or something. Fortunately, we finally ended things. It was a near miss because I really did love him. I foolish kept thinking that eventually he would really stand up to her for me. He stood up to her for HIMSELF, just never me. Thankfully, I dodged that bullet and married a man who would sooner cut off all contact with his whole family then allow them to cause problems between us, directly or indirectly. We've already decided that it is HIGHLY unlikely we would ever have any of our parents live with us as anything more then a temporary solution (less then 6 months).

In my book if your parents expect you to allow them to come and live with and suport them in their later years, they need to learn to make you AND your spouse less nuts when they come to visit for a WEEK. As far as I'm concerned CHOOSING to have me and raise me doesn't obligate me to allowing a parent to make my life a living hell for my middle years.

Stick to your guns. I hope it all works out.

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