Final straw drawn by MIL
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|Fri, 08-17-2012 - 3:10pm|
I have a situation that while even though I have a psych degree, I still have no idea what to do about it. My husband and will have been married for two years in December and the path hasn't been one of pavement but we are strongly united due to our past experiences. I came into the marriage with children of my own and not being able to have anymore, but he accepted that part of me and has graciously accepted the role of a father with our children. I had met his mother fairly early in the relationship as he is an only child and we seemed to hit it off, in fact his entire family seemed to be accepting of my children and I. My husband's father walked out on him at a young age and he has dealt with traumatic abuse from a step-mother prior as well as self esteem struggles from his father abandoning him. Nonetheless, he is a very loving and giving husband as well as son and family member. I had been fortunate enough to come from a secure, two parent home but had felt the low self esteem as well from a biological father abandoning me and a past abusive marriage. While some may say that was a recipe for disaster, we have actually been there to pick each other up and support each other in a postive way as nothing seems to settle down in our surrounding environment. About three weeks after we were married, we chose to spend Christmas with his family just like we had at Thanksgiving due to my family having some already prescheduled plans and him having to work. We were joking around with each other on Christmas Day in the kitchen and me being a dry sarcastic person made a comment to him in which he laughed but his aunts chose to cause a scene embarrassing me in front of people I had never even met before. I blew it off as a misunderstanding and promised to watch my comments as they probably did not understand our combined sense of humor. As time went on, things went from ok to bad to horrible with his family. Social networking was used inappropriately and while it was not right, I did participate in retaliation, something I apologized for publicly. However, his mom chose to jump on this one incident and kept creating situations. What I mean by situations is the need to plan a family event but not tell him about it so that when all the family came around, we did not show up and I was blamed. My family all lives out of state and frequently ask to visit the kids, which is fine and somehow everytime they showed up or we decided to get away, one of his family members would announce last minute they were coming to visit thus creating another issue.
The biggest blow up was over Thanksgiving of this last year in which supposedly a family reunion took place with his mother's family. We had been told a week before that it was possible not everyone would make it and he informed them that we had already made plans to be at my parents house. OK, we THOUGHT we were right in taking turns as we had been with his family the year prior for both holidays and many minute ones in between but they threw a fit saying that I only allowed for him to visit my family. The straw that broke the camels back was a picture his mother sent saying,"Wish YOU were here". Well, gee thanks for thinking of my children that you claimed were yours as well. By the time this had happened she had quit calling our kids and didn't even bother acknowledging first days of school, etc. A blow up ensued and ended with me being referred to as my husband's step-mother in which I confronted her on the situation and she tried to apologize a month later via text message. I had laid the laws for the children and I down then with my husband and agreed to try to make the relationship work as he informed me of the mental abuse that woman put him through since his dad walked out on him. When I say mental abuse, I mean screaming obscenities over something a child could not have done and even things a grown man could not do to his own mother; I mean for heaven's sake, she's the only parent he has and he knows that. Things went ok for awhile and she even came to get one of my children for a sleepover but passed out on the couch while my child ran unsupervised around her home in the middle of winter...this child was 5.
I still bit my tongue and told my husband that I felt something was wrong and I was not comfortable in the children being alone over there and he perfectly understood. About a month later, she had issues with her house and asked my husband to come help as she always does. She never calls him at home but in the mornings when she thinks he is not around me and guilt trips him into coming over there after work. Sometimes he doesn't get home until seven at night and she expects him over there for hours while never apologizing for it and then a week later will call him screaming at him because he ruined something or got mud on her floor in the MUD ROOM. So anyway, she came over complaining that she couldn't handle caring for her home anymore and she does live on a substantial amount of land for one woman. My husband and I discussed buying some of the land so that it would help her out and she could stay in her home...yes I offered knowing what it would result in. She asked what her land was worth and well it was quite a bit after 20 years so she wanted to know what we where planning on doing with it and that was to build a house. The next week she stops by, during our dinner, and states she's selling her house and building a brand new one. Ok, worked out better but this always happens with her. My parent's were going to buy me a kindle for christmas, so she bought one. My mom got a new iPad, so she went and bought one. We remodeled our house, so did she and then bragged about finishing her's before we finished our's...who cares?! We bought a new range and refrigerator, she went and bought new appliances...the list goes on and on and on. So all this leads me to our next and final blow up...
Last week she basically got busted lying on her final inspections of her house and didn't pass a certain part. Earlier in the week she had called to ask him for help with the inspector and that was the conversation. However three days later she called attacking my husband at work claiming it was his fault when she knew about the problem and he told her to fix it (she bought an iPad instead). Well after the Thanksgiving ordeal, he had told her how he felt and she had broken down bawling and apologized, swearing to get help; well it happened again seven months later. We had also been dealing with some issues with my ex-husband going for about the past month, something she did not know about and I had no idea about her calling him at work the day before so I had asked if I could go with him because I was scared to be home alone. So we get to her house and walk in, she never asked where the kids were or how we were and proceeded to instruct me to look at all of the house and was angry that I had not looked at the pictures of her house online when it was up for sale. Why would I? I had so much havoc going in my life, it was honestly the last thing on my mind and besides that I knew what her house looked like. Anyway, while pretending to be impressed, she started screaming at my husband about this repair that cost her money and was in his face with her finger inches from his nose. I know my husband's limit and saw the redness in his face so I knew something had happened that I was not aware of and bless his heart he was too busy being there for me to bother me with her crap (sorry but that's basically what it is). While he tried walking away, she went after him so I tried to stop the screaming by saying "He really can't be blamed for this and the company should have spoken to you as you are the homeowner and you chose to be on the phone with a friend instead of where you needed to be which was outside listening to that worker.", these where level headed words that where not yelled nor where there any profanities which may be hard to believe. She then informed me it was none of my ******* business and that I was a ******* *****. I then said the situation was ridiculous and I was going to our car thinking that she was right and I needed to be outside but she chased me outside while screaming profanities at me and about my character as well as my children. Because I wouldn't stop, she then grabbed me and yanked my towards her while screaming at me. I calmly (thank goodness for my degree) said "I will not stand for my husband being spoken to this way, it is not ok." I was simply told that he is HER SON and to **** off and never come back because I never to be on her land anyway...news I could have used about two hours prior to going out there. When he asked why she was doing this she said because your wife is a ******* *****. She then told him she never wanted to see him again and to get the hell out. This was seven days ago and now she is calling him, knowing this is our weekend time and I don't know what to do as he has been in tears every night this week. He reached out to his family and they all say he has to fix it because he is all she has....I can't live this way and he did not cause this so what do I do? What does he do?