Foreboding future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Foreboding future?
11
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 2:55am

Im not sure how to get my point across, so i'll try to do it by narrating a recent incident.

I've known my current boyfriend for almost 7 years and have been in a serious relationship for the last 3. He's always had a bad sinus problem and had been been to a fair number of doctors, to no avail. Last Friday, I took half a day off work so as to bring him to consult a Chinese physician a good friend recommended. Says he helped her sinus condition improved a lot.

He called on Thur nite to cancel as his mum disapproved of him consulting an 'untrustworthy chinese physician'- quoting his words, when she had brought him to see chinese physicians before.

As his granny had recently been diagnosed with cancer, he did not want to upset his mother by disobeying her. Hence he said we could still go out on Friday, just not to see the chinese doctor.

To date, he's never brought me to see his family and ive never been invited to his place. I have this nagging feeling that im not exactly welcomed. He mentioned more than once that he's been warned by his parents 'Not to be too upset if his girlfriend ditches him for someone more eligible since i graduated a year earlier and is already working, i'm therefore likely to dump him.'

I find such a comment behind my back offensive given that they've never known me and are undermining my love for him. However, he does not seem to get the point and find nothing wrong with such belittling comments. To him they are friendly parental guidance.

I'm quite disturbed by the amount of influence his parents yield. Even more so by the fact that they can bad-mouth me and get away with it. I've heard enough from him over the years to know that his mum sheds tears easily, whenever her husband or son upsets her. Does it mean i'll always be at the losing end whenever she gets emotional?

Am i being over paranoid here?

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 3:06pm

You said..."I'm quite disturbed by the amount of influence his parents yield. Even more so by the fact that they can bad-mouth me and get away with it. I've heard enough from him over the years to know that his mum sheds tears easily, whenever her husband or son upsets her. Does it mean i'll always be at the losing end whenever she gets emotional?"


Gal,


Your boyfriend come fiancee of SEVEN YEARS hasn't once introduced you to the family? You've NEVER been to their house? WHOA!


Back up here. Do you really want to marry into that? I don't think so! No matter how much you love this guy it's clear where his loyalties lie and it's not with you nor will it ever be with you. He's being manipulated (with his permission) by his mother now. That's NOT going to change if you get married. Indeed, it will probably get worse!


I'd have serious second thoughts about marrying this guy. You're not going to get his commitment to you; it will be conditional upon his mother's manipulations. (Think about it, if she's planting the idea that you'll leave him after 7 years what's to say she won't start encouragin HIM to leave you married or not?)


If you want to test this theory then ask him to put you first and if he doesn't say "bye bye." If he runs back to Mama you'll know what his choice is and will be. If has the guts to stay with you, then you might have a chance.


You need a man who is independent and capable of standing on his own two feet. Unless you want to live like "Everybody Loves Raymond" suggest you pass on this guy.


Good luck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 3:29pm

Wisdomtooth2020 is right. If you have not met his family yet do you really want to be involved with this family. You said that they are telling him that you will leave him b/c you finished school early. Sounds like they are telling him is not good enough for anyone to stay with him. That sounds like abuse to me. If they are treating their son that way is there any hope for you as a girlfriend or daughter in law.

I know it would be hard but wouldn't it be better to find a bf and future husband that had a family that loved and supported him and his relationship with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 9:34pm
I don't think that you're being paranoid. I'm not sure why you haven't met them at this point. Do you live close to them? Even if you live halfway across the world from them, it's still odd to me. Is he afraid you won't like his family, vice versa, is he embarrassed of the relationship he has with them, or what is it? It seems weird to me. Also, I'm sorry that his grandmother has cancer, but that certainly doesn't mean that he should forego his own health! I'm not sure why he couldn't have just gone to the doctor and not told his mom if he felt it would upset her. Does his mom have to know every detail of his life? And it was inconsiderate of him not to go when you took time off from work, in my opinion. I would try to dig deeper and see what is really going on with his family. The comment about you dumping him was inappropriate, especially when they haven't even met you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 2:04am

Hi, first of all thanks for the nuggets of advice you ladies have given me.

Would also like to clarify a few things - we live quite near to each other, so distance is not an issue.

Carefully probed into why i haven't been introduced to the family. (Tried to mention it casually) Reason given was i didn't seem ready since i never asked anyway but he would be happy to introduce us over a family dinner if I want to meet them.

However, he's expressed disappointment that i don't seem to 'feel' for his granny's illness. He's also somewhat angry over the fact that i empathised more for a gal pal whose granny passed away 2 months ago, as compared to news of his granny's illness.

Probing further into this family thing has revealed more unpleasant stuff though. His mum is way more 'emotional' than i previously thought. Other than crying a lot, she also hits herself on the head. Also, she refused to see a doctor after spraining her ankle. When she quarreled with her husband, she refused to eat dinner.
I know this sounds totally ridiculous but that's what he told me during his angry outburst about me not understanding how upset his whole family is. He also emphasized on the fragile state of his mum's emotions.

I was so so tempted to say its a form of emotional blackmail. (Managed to keep my mouth shut.) Then, as if he could read my mind .. he said that its NOT emotional blackmail since she hits herself whether there's people at home or not. SO she doesn't do it only when there's somebody watching.

I mean its not like her husband ill-treats her. She gets to drive the family car although she's a housewife while her husband takes public transport to work. Her husband buys dinner after work every night so she doesn't cook either. Her son stays in the dorm, so he calls home every night to 'ask if everyone's ok'.

Overall i think life is pretty good for her, so i can't imagine what's upsetting her so badly. Currently, I can understand that she's upset over her mum being ill. But she's apparently been this way all along.

I can't help but compare her life with my mum's. My Dad drinks and gambles too much. His pay goes towards paying for his debts the last few years, leaving my mum to pay for everything. I help out now since i'm working so its easier. She's working and doing most of the housework too. She has her bad days, but most of the time she's pretty much a 'normal' mum. I know its not fair to compare since i don't know his mum well enough to do so but I really just don't get it. Why is she making the lives of those around her so difficult when she ought to be much happier? It makes me feel bitter. Honestly. I don't like that feeling one bit.

Maybe she has depression? Can't fathom over what though. How can i put across the idea that his mum probably needs some form of help without sounding offensive? I mean can't her husband, son and daughter tell that her behaviour is really freaky? Instead of giving in to her all the time, perhaps some professional counselling is needed? The notion of having to put up with her nonsense for 20 years, maybe longer, should i marry this guy is freaking me out too.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 6:12am

Gal,


Another "two cents" and please know this is purely subjective on my part since I don't live in your skin. But, based on your new post, I'd have to say your boyfriend's mother is MENTALLY ILL. (A "normal" person doesn't inflict physical pain and injury on themselves privately or publicly. The lady has a serious problem!) It's hard to "see" this when you're right up next to it, and, unfortunately, I'd have to say your boyfriend probably thinks this is "normal" behavior since it's the only mother he's got.


Really, really lady, you need to think through your decision to marry into this family. I'm not saying you can't love someone or care about them, but step back a little here and think about what your life has been like with this man and what it will be like. He didn't introduce you to his family because you "didn't seem ready?" OH COME ON! What is "ready" supposed to be like? (Sorry, but you didn't seem ready in SEVEN YEARS?) Oh please!


He's making excuses to AVOID introducing you to the circus he belongs to! I feel sorry for the guy. How many other women has he dated over the years who took one look and said "bye?" Don't be a fool. You deserve better. Find out why you don't think you do. At least postpone the wedding and talk to a counselor who can give you perspective on this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 2:58pm

Hi Gal_starphish, welcome!

I can't believe that you have never met his family and you have known him for seven years. Something is definitely wrong with this picture! Have you asked him why he hasn't introduced you to his family? What is the reason?

It sounds like he does whatever his parents want him to do. If his parents want him to cancel a dr's appt. because they don't approve of the dr. he cancels the appointment. Your boyfriend has no backbone. Also, if he was serious about you, he would have introduced you to his family a LONGGGGGGG time ago. He is obviously not serious about you. I think you should really think about looking elsewhere for a boyfriend who will want you to know his family and won't be afraid to stand up to his parents.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:28pm
I dated a guy just like that. Granted I already had met his mother. She hated me. She did exactly what your bf's Mom did. Tell him what to do or not do. He bought me a promise ring for Chirstmas (he was 20 at the time) and she told him to get it back and to break up with me and he did. Any time she said jump, he said how high. You don't want to be with or marry this guy. You will be miserable. You will always come last. Trust me. What every Mommy wants, Mommy will get. He is a classic, Grade A, number 1 Mama's boy. It will never get better. Breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did. A few months later I met Dh, and while we have has issues with his mother, he finally stood up to her and cut her off. We will be celebrating 10 years come April.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 5:18am

Actually we were classmates for 2 yrs, really good friends for the next 2, and finally a couple for the next 3. Hence we've known each other for a grand total of 7 years. We did break up once during the period but got back together again after a few months. Does that seem any better now that i haven't met his family? (I guess not) *wry smile* i'm trying to convince myself as much as im trying to convince anyone reading this. It comes down to 3 possibilities -

1. His parents don't like me

Bcos of different religions. I'm not Catholic. basically im not much of a believer in any religion.

Highly probable that its due to my family finances too. About 2 years ago, when i was still in college, my Dad almost had to declare bankruptcy thanks to his compulsive gambling. My bf actually asked his parents to 'help out' (without my knowledge). They didn't and he only told me after the issue was settled. (I really wish he hadn't.) I can't blame them if they disapprove of their son settling down with a ger whose family can possibly mean serious baggage right? I guess I can understand that.)

2. He's afraid his constantly crying mum would freak me out.

3. He's really not that into me. He can be really sweet too, like make me stuff. But the good times can't make up for the bad times. Ultimately when the crunch comes, i'm just not up there in the list of priorities.

I guess its probably a composite of the above-mentioned reasons.

Think i've pretty much given up hope of this thing working out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:58am
WOW..dosn't want to disobey her. Please tell your SO that the parent child dynamic has changed. He's a grown man fully capable of making his own decisions, if he's not willing too..that's another story. You will put up with this for the duration of your marriage if you decide to marry him. You have alot of thinking to do. The writing is on the wall, don't ignore it.
Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 3:52am

Hi, Just to say a big thanks to all of you out there who have given me advice.

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