FUTURE MIL THINKS SHE IS SICK!!
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| Wed, 12-20-2006 - 11:42am |
I AM NEW HERE. WELL, HERE GOES....I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO SOUND AWFUL (PLEASE DON'T THINK I AM EVIL) BUT MY FUTURE MOTHER IN LAW THINKS SHE IS SICK ALL THE TIME. SHE IS IN THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW WITH A "MIGRAINE." EVER SINCE MY FUTURE HUSBAND AND I HAVE STARTED DATING ALL I HAVE EVER HEARD ABOUT IS HOW SICK SHE IS AND HAS BEEN. THE WOMAN IS 46 YRS OLD. SHE DOESN'T WORK (DRAWS SOCIAL SECURITY/DISABILITY, OF COURSE, LIKE OVER HALF OF THE YOUNG PEOPLE IN OUR RURAL COMMUNITY)AND CLAIMS TO HAVE ALL SORTS OF AILMENTS RANGING FROM CARPAL TUNNEL TO FIBROMYALGIA, BACK PAIN, KNEE PAIN, TARSAL TUNNEL(SAME AS CARPAL TUNNEL BUT WITH THE FEET AND ANKLES)KNEE PAIN (HAS HAD TOTAL KNEE REPLACEMENTS)THE MIGRAINES (CONSTATNLY)NEUROPATHY (NERVE PAIN) BACK PAIN ( A WHOLE HOST OF DIFFERENT BACK SURGERIES) A TOTAL HYSTERECTOMY. HAS HAD HER GALLBLADDRE TAKEN OUT, IS "LACTOSE-INTOLERANT" --(EXCEPT WHEN SHE WANTS ICE CREAM!) HAS A WHOLE RANGE OF "FOOD ALLERGIES"--SO NOW WHEN I COOK FOR EVERYONE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO USE MY FAVORITE INGREDIENT FOR ABOUT EVERYTHING--ONIONS. AND THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING. THIS IS NOT EVEN BREAKING THE ICEBERG OF THINGS I HAV HEARD IN THE LAST 2 YRS.
NOW, BEFORE YOU ALL ATACK ME AND THINK I AM UN-SYMPATHETIC TO PEOPLE WITH HEALTH PROBLEMS. I AM NOT-PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT. I HAVE FAMILY WITH ACTUAL PROBLEMS AND CAN IDNETIFY WITH THAT. I ALSO WORK IN A RURAL HEALTH CLINC THAT EMPLOYS 10 DOCTORS, SO I HAVE SEEN AND HEARD EVERYTHING. THE THING THAT GETS ME WITH THIS WOMAN IS THAT IT SEEM SOT BE VERY CONVIENIENT TIMES TO BE "SICK." LIKE ON MOHTERS DAY WE HAD A THING PLANNED AND SHE CANCELLED AT THE LAST MINUTE WITH A MIGRAINE. IT WOULD HAD BEEN DIFFERENT HAD WE NOT DRIVEN FOR 1 1/2 HRS TO MEET THEM. MY FIANCEE AND I JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE TOGETHER IN AUGUST AND HIS DAD WAS COMING DOEWN TO HELP US MOVE AND DO SOME THINGS (SMALL IMPROVEMENTS SUCH AS RUNNING SOME EXTRA PHONE LINES) AND SHE COULDN'T COME ALL OF THE SUDDEN. AND NOW IN THE HOSPITAL WITH A MIGRAINE 5 DAYS BEFORE X-MAS---ONE DAY AFTER HAVING A "TUMBLE DOWN THE STAIRS" AT HOME. WE HAVE BEEN OUT TOGETHER. WE HAVE ALL WENT OUT OF STATE ON VACATION AND SHE SHOPPED ALL DAY LONG WITH NO PROBLEM. WE WENT WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING ALL DAY LONG TO LIKE 6 DIFFERENT PPLACES WITH NOT A PROBLEM.--BUT SHE IS NOT ABLE TO LIFT A FINGER TO FOLD LAUNDRY AT HOME......SHE IS UNDER "STRICT ORDERS" TO NOT LIFET A FINGER AT HOME, TO NOT DRIVE, ETC.... SO SHE GETS TO SITA LL DAY LONG SHOPPING ON QVC AND DRAWING HER SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK TO PAY FOR HER FUN.
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS AWFUL BUT I WORK IN A RURAL HEALTH CLINIC--I SEE THIS EVERYDAY. YOUNG PROPLE DRAWING OUR TAX DOLLARS (DISABILITY/SOCIAL SECURITY) TO SIT AT HOME AND DO NOTHING BUT ABUSE THE SYSTEM. ITS THE SAME ONES AT THE DR'S OFFICE 3 TIMES A WEEK (LIERALLY) FOR A FEW PILLS. IT IS JUST A GAME FOR THEM. ASK ANY OF THE DRS I WORK FOR AND ITS THE SAME--THEY ARE SICK BUT IT IS A SICKNESS IN THE HEAD. IT SI PSYCHO-SEMATIC (DID I SPELL THAT RIGHT?) IT IS IN ONES HEAD. I KNOW SHE STAYS DEPRESSED AND WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED AS A CHILD--BUT SO WAS I!! THAT IS SOMETHING WE HAVE IN COMMON! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL OF THIS. SHE TALKS TO MY FIANCEE AND KEEPS HIM SO TORE UP OVER ALL THIS CRAP AND IT IS STARTING TO HURT OUR RELATIONSHIP B/C OF THE STRESS. IT IS LIKE EVERYTIME A HOLIDAY OR SPECIAL EVENT ROLLS AROUND SHE IS "SICK." I WILL JUST DIE IF SHE TRIES TO PULL THIS CRAP ON THE WEEK OF MY WEDDING IN A FEW MONTHS. AND GOD-FORBID A BABY--ALL THAT ATTENTION ON ME AND EVERYONE ASKING ME HOW I AM FEELING--SHE WILL LOSE HER MIND!
SORRY I COULDN'T GIVE YOU THE WHOLE STORY (WOULD TAKE TOO LONG) BUT I WOULD APPRECIATE SOME OUTSIDE ADVICE OR INSIGHT??? (AND FOR THE RECORD MY FIANCEE IS THE ONLY CHILD SHE HAS--IT IS JUST HER HUSBAND AND HER SON THAT SHE IS USED TO HAVING ALL THE ATTENTION AND AFFECTION AND I THINK SHE IS HAVING TROUBLE "SHARING")
THANK YOU ALL!


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Hi,
I too have quite a few of the same illness as the OP fmil has. I'm only 48, have a very rare heart defect (wasn't found until I was 42, an auto-immue disorder, LT & have OA in my hips, lower back & knees & ankles & already know that I need total knee replacements in both knees I was told this by my Orthodic Dr) but I go to work every day (come home hurting like heck, but I'm out there doing my job every day) I also suffer with migraines (am having a bad one right now) The OP needs to either walk away from her bf or learn to deal with it.
Sam
I am sorry to hear about youy health issues.--But as you stated, you go to work everyday, just like everyone else who hurts. I hurt when I come home from work--most people do. I was not trying to attack anyone with legit health issues.--It's just that I know that some of hers are a bit put-on. it just seems kind of odd that people like that are okay when it is somehting they want to do but when it comes to sacrificing and doing something for someone else and going to work--well then they are disabled and sick. Again, I am sorry if you (or anyone for that matter) have legit health problems but a lot of people just make this into a "way of life" and expect taxpayers and the govt to just kick in and take care of them, trust me.--I know firsthand b/c I work for doctors and I have for 7 yrs now. I have seen and heard everythig there is to hear.
So are you saying that any people who hurt and have anything "wrong" with thier health should qualify for disability/ssi/welfare etc???? Honey, that would be about 100% of the population!!! Someone has to work and pump out those tax dollars--who is going to do it if we are all at home on the couch?????
"The biggest problem with talking to my fiancee about all of this is b/c he takes up for her.... that is his mother and he loves her. he is a great man--very loving and caring... There is nothing about him that makes me think for a second I wouldn't want to be with him"
I think that before you walk down that aisle, you need to do some serious thinking about what things will be like ten years from today. Imagine your future FIL has passed away, and your FMIL has been un-wise with her spending and is going to lose her home. You have a 4 year old and are pregnant with number two, and your husband seems to spend 4 nights a week driving 1 and 1/2 hours each way to do little projects for his mother because, "she's all alone now." Well, YOU are alone now, too.
Please do take the advice that you and your fiance have to have a very clear understanding of what you two want from your marriage. Before making this man a father, you have to know that he is going to BE the father, BE there for his kids and their mom. Sometimes that will mean leaving his mommy to handle things on her own.
I never implied or said everyone who hurts should qualify. I was trying to point out that not all illnesses are obvious. If I had it then in addition to the meds/therapies I do now there are others not covered that I can't do out of pocket alone that I would be doing.
I don't sacrifice when it suits me either. I have to in order to run my home/take care of my kids/buy groceries etc.
I stand by my assessment that just because you have seven years in the office I doubt you would be able to tell anything I had. Especially the huge nasty one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy that can bring me and others who have it to their knees in a new york minute. I am sure you have seen people faking it but I bet you have also seen people on one of their good days and thought they were faking ill.
Now like I said if you MIL is ONLY doing her thing when its time to have a get together/gathering etc and no other time then I can totally understand where you are coming from. Truly.
That is why I wrote what I did as the parent of an engaged person and a parent that is truly ill at that. I would never do to my ds what your FMIL is doing. EVER.
My son and I do not have the dynamic your FDH and your FMIL have. That is why I said if you don't run like Godzilla fleeing Tokyo then try some of the strategies I suggested so you can detach and not let her get to you. With your FDH being the only child, it will get pretty hairy later on with their dynamic. Do you want to put up with that for the rest of your life? Do you want to bring kids into that dynamic? And like the other poster said -look down that future road ..if FIL were to pass away and MIL didn't have any $$ put aside and wanted to live with you and your family. What would your fdh do? Would your mental health be worth having to live with her and her issues if he says 'we are letting mom live here"
I have lived with in laws that weren't ill but extremely nasty. Living with in laws is usually never a good thing....
I have great in-laws now but sure wouldn't live with them
and as to this
"So are you saying that any people who hurt and have anything "wrong" with thier health should qualify for disability/ssi/welfare etc???? Honey, that would be about 100% of the population!!! Someone has to work and pump out those tax dollars--who is going to do it if we are all at home on the couch?????"
Again I didn't say that. But yes those that truly qualify and have paid their taxes over the years or the ones that can't work anymore and truly qualify I have no problem with. And "honey" snort. You are way much younger than me. I used to work thanks. I would love to still be able to work but I had to give up my career path.
But seriously if you are going to stay with FDH learn to detach from her and her issues or you will end up being miserable. And often angry at what will then be dh running off to help mommy again when he should be helping and taking care of YOU. It would really stink for you to be home from the hospital with the newborn and it is your first day home and suddenly MIL calls and she is all ill and needs dh ( when fil is right there and can do it) to come help mommmeeeeee. He takes off leaving his newly postpartum wife who he should be pampering to go cater to momeee. It could happen from your descriptions here.
That isn't fair to you. If you stay with him insist on couple's counseling.
Good luck to you
Edited 12/21/2006 8:24 pm ET by arianhodsilver
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