Gender Reveal (Party) Day of Our Wedding: Fair or Not

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2002
Gender Reveal (Party) Day of Our Wedding: Fair or Not
7
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 3:22am

For about a year, my fiance and I planned our wedding - it is coming up. His nephew and wife, through the nephew's parents (whose dad is my fiance's brother and groomsment) informed us the day of our wedding, they are having a gender reveal party. In addition, they "should be done by one" and should make the 1-hour+ drive, get ready, and arrive at the reception hall (30 minutes away from their house) by 3 pm for pictures. The nephew is not in the wedding; however, as mentioned, his father is as is the younger brother of the new father/nephew.

Two years ago, when the nephew and wife got married, my fiance took care of his parents - whom his brother loves but feels is a burden. This included shclepping them back to the hotel, getting them situated, etc. Well, his brother and SIL agreed to do this for us, but when they called to tell us about the gender reveal brunch, which we are not invited to (not a big deal; I wouldn't expect it), they wanted to know what my future in-laws schedule for the day of the wedding is and how we plan to handle them as they can no longer handle the situation. Plus, while the SIL's mother (who will be the great-grandmother) is coming, the brother and (my) fiance's mom and dad were not invited.

I'm very happy for his nephew and wife; however, I am hurt they are doing this to us because it's just one day. My fiance thought it was wrong to "steal our thunder" the day of our wedding; he actually told my mother he was especially hurt, as he never asks for anything of his family and always helps them - and just wanted this one day. I'm a low-key person and every time we visit his nephew and wife, it's we did this or that. My fiance and I are very successful and don't brag; we prefer to live quietly and simply, but wanted our wedding to let us cast a loving light on our relationship, which we share only in small bits as private people.

Perhaps I wouldn't be as upset if she hadn't done something similar before -  announcing the pregnancy the day before a beloved nephew's wedding. The reason was she was worried people would think she put on the weight she lost.

Am I being selfish for wanting just one special day for my fiance and me? How would you handle the situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I just can't imagine that anyone who was planning on attending a wedding would think that it was a good idea to have any kind of a party on the same day as the wedding--why have all that additional rushing around when you don't have to and not to mention that they could certainly have it the next week.  I also think that gender reveal parties are ridiculous.  I guess since my kids are grown this was just not done and I have personally never known anyone who had one.  I can see having immediate family over for dinner and telling everyone at once but I think people who would call it a "party" and add to all the occasions for gift buying (showers, christenings, etc.) is obviously self centered.  Since I don't think you can actually do anything about this without making yourself crazy, I think you just have to wash your hands of it.  You invited people to a wedding at a certain time--just go on planning it and hopefully everyone will show up on time.  I wouldn't even care if nephew & Dw were even there on time, but of court the dad/groomsman needs to be.  Maybe your fiance can remind his brother of the duties and what time he needs to be there on that day.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

It could make sense--sort of--to have their party that day if they wanted to include lots of relatives who will be in the area for your wedding. Poor timing, why not make it the day after the wedding? but I could see some logic there. But it sounds like the only people with a conflict will be your fiance's brother and SIL? 

Probably all you can do is have your fiance talk to his brother and remind him when he needs to arrive at the wedding. Remind him that he agreed to drive the parents and get a commitment for that, or else make other arrangements. 

Its inconsiderate of the nephew to have his party on what should be your day, and to put his parents in the position of having to rush around or choose between events. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-1999
Thu, 10-10-2013 - 12:15pm
I've never heard of a gender-reveal party either and to be frank, I think it's ridiculous! I had to think about it for a while before I realized what it was (I initially thought it was some kind of sex-change, coming out of the closet reveal!) I know that planning a wedding and reception is a HUGE event in a person's life and yes, I think they are stealing your thunder.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

I also thought it meant an adult was going to be revealing their gender!  Oh my. 

Anyways, as much as it seems like inappropriate timing, it is what it is.  And remember that they are not "doing this to you."  I can understand your frustration, wondering why on earth a member of the wedding party would plan their own party the same day, but they really aren't doing anything to you, perse.

Unless you can accept this, you will be miserable.  So you might as well let this go trust that it will all work out.  This will only disturb your wedding day if you let it.  No one, no matter how annoying, is worth the wasted energy. 

Focus you on your special day! 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work 

Serenity
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
And oh, I forgot to mention that I have a friend who had a relative that decided to get married at a funeral. They figured "every one is here anyways." Holy cow. If the family had planned this and agreed to it, that would be one thing. But the couple decided to surprised every one. Geesh...
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002

Fairness has nothing to do with it, it sounds like the family (from the brother to the nephew) are incredibly inconsiderate.  There is no reason whatsoever for them to have this reveal party on the same day as your wedding.  I think you should look to other family members to assist with the in-laws (are these your fiance's parents?), and then don't think another thing about the nephew and niece.  This is YOUR day, and if you plan right, and don't stress about the things out of your control, all will be fine.  Don't let the shadow they are casting (on themselves) take away from your light, it's not worth it!  I wish you a beautiful day!

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2002

I just wanted to provide an update (but also extend a thanks for support)...

They wound-up having the party (albeit toned-down) the day of our wedding. None of the guests at our wedding, which would include my now-husband's family, were invited to the wedding. Of course, his brother, the father of the father and father-in-law to mom-to-be was there as was my husband's nephew, but it was funny how the excuse was "everyone will be in town" when the reality was everyone on a "certain side" would be in town.

It hurt more when the night before at the rehearsal dinner, my SIL went up to my mother (whom she never met) and told my mother I had called her (my SIL) and cried hysterically - believe me, I never cry (just not an outwardly emotional person) nor do I cry hysterically - about how it was not fair that the party was the same day of our wedding. My friends, who know me better than my SIL, couldn't believe my SIL blatantly lied as they were waiting in line (for food) near my mom and dad's table.

My SIL also took it upon to change the seating arrangements, which my friends and I spent two hours setting-up, to move said seating arrangements. Only knowing 20 of the 110 guests, she screwed-up things and wound-up costing my friends an hour-and-a-half of their time to put it back to how we had it - for example, she didn't know people, so she separated several of my friends (who either do not use their married name or are gay).

The wedding was worse in terms of their support; they had promised they would take care of my in-laws (returning the favor my husband did when this same husband got married a few years ago) and decided it was more fun to hang with their mutual friends and two sons that night.

I've learned now that I should not trust this one SIL - as my friends saw it even before I realized it, but they didn't want to stress me out. I will be cordial to her and the rest of his brother's family, but I will not go out of my way.