Has anyone dealt with this before? Kinda long sorry :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2011
Has anyone dealt with this before? Kinda long sorry :-(
Sat, 10-15-2011 - 5:23pm

Hi there! My husband and I have been married for 5 years, we have a 3 year old daughter and are currently TTC#2. Neither of us has a large immidiate family. We each come from single mother house holds, he never knew his father and mine died when I was only 9. So in the end we only have our mothers, and those relationships have always been rocky. My mother has never been extremely fond of him and his mother has made it very clear she has never and will never support our relationship. She didn't even like it when we were just friends(we've been friends since kindergarten). Well a few weeks ago DH and his mother had a huge blow out and stopped talking. He had said that he was done having her in our lives, but I pretty much took it with a grain of salt thinking in a few weeks things would be back to normal. Well this morning DH says he's going to call his mom on the way to work and talk about picking up a few things from her house she had for our little girl. About an hour later he comes home, very clearly upset, hands me a note and aks me to go to her place and leave the note there for her. Being slightly nosey I decided to read the note, bad I know. To sum up the note, he tells her that he regrets ever coming back to live with her as a kid(another story all on its own) and says that he is once and for all done with her. That he no longer wants her to have any part of our lives and vice versa., that this will be the LAST interaction between us. Now while I've never really liked the woman, I kind of feel like we need to keep all the family we can, especially since our kids will only ever have their grandmas. Is there any point in trying to salavge that relationship or should I just let it be, and say we are better off without? Thanks for taking the time to read this, I know it's long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

Did you tell your husband you read the note?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998

I agree with sillysadie. It was not wrong to read a note your husband asked you to deliver. It was very childish of him to ask you to do his dirty work. He needs to man up and talk to his mother himself, once his anger has cooled.

I agree with you that it's not right to cut off his mother. Nor is it fair to your daughter and future children. They've done nothing wrong and deserve to have all their living grandparents in their lives. No grandparent is perfect, but unless she's an active drug addict, alcoholic, pedophile or other criminal, she should be allowed to know her grandkids.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008

Hi and welcome to the board...

I have to say that it feels like this is already out of your hands.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2001

I basically agree with what everyone else is sayiing. . .

First I don't think it was wrong for you to read the note.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004

I am going to put on my flamesuit but I disagree. If his mother has made it clear that she does not and will never accept you

why would you want her in your lives or your kids lives?

I also disagree with reading the note but also think he should not ask you to do it unless you are better at dealing with her than

he is. (dh and I are opposite from most in law issues-he gets along better with my mother than me and I get along better with my

in-laws) This is my personal opinion and nothing else but I would not read something dh gave me for another person unless he t

ttold me it was ok. However I know each couple is different, so take that with a grain of salt.

Also since your mom is also rocky? would either you or dh accept the treatment from friends that your moms give you? If not

why is it acceptable for them to treat you this way just because they are family?

I do agree with the posters on it might good to wait for him to cool down a bit before you take it in case he changes his mind and

you think he might regret the letter. But you would have to tell him you read it and are concerned about burning bridges while he

is still upset. Would he handle that ok?

Are you ok with your MIL not liking you and never going to? Are both mothers okay grandmothers though they don't get along

with you and dh so well? If that is the case I can understand you not wanting to terminate these relationships.

I also suggest the book "Toxic Parents" for both of you. It may help navigating rocky waters for all four of you.(wish i had a book li

ke it and toxic in laws with my first dh!)

Good luck with whatever happens!

anon for this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2011

Thanks to all the ladies who responded. You all had some great advice, I did refreign from taking her the note until I talked with my husband. We both agreed it would be better to say nothing to her, but have also agreed that is probably best to just not have her in our lives until/unless she has a change of heart. This way it leaves the door open for her to come back into the family if she chooses. DH was not in the least bit upset that I read the note, as he and most of you said he left ME to deliver the note to his mother, I'm not a stranger why should I not read it. I feel like now we can sort of start fresh in some ways. I'm sure the holidays this year will be a little weird, but perhaos we will find that it being just us three makes for a better time. Thanks again for all your input!