He left me just now.....
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| Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:58pm |
I'm new here. I joined a couple weeks ago to read about other people's problems with their ILs and tell myself that our problems weren't really that bad and we'd get through it all. My hands are shaking so bad and I'm about to lose it. Please help.
Four weeks ago, the Love of my life asked me if I cheated on him. I swear to you all just as I swore to him that I never have. He told me his family doesn't like me, so there must be something wrong with me. They've gotten along with his other girlfriends and wives even though they were scheming horrible women who took advantage of him, lied to him, cheated on him and ruined his life and credit. I love him so much because he has such a beautiful heart and I knew we would make this work. I would never hurt him, not in a million years.
They are telling him about horrible comments I've made that I have no recollection of. They are telling him that I've cheated with several men and they have "proof." When I proved that their "proof" was based on lies, he still chose to believe them, stating that they have his best interests at heart.
We've been together for over 16 months now, living together since January. We're both 32. I have four children whom he has loved and bonded with and they have loved him just as much. He came home tonight with his three brothers and a friend and moved every possession of his out and into a truck. My children and I sat on the stairs and cried.
I love him so much, we have such a wonderful life here. I left my job and family in Indy to move to Louisville, KY when he got a promotion this summer. We bought a house, a new car for him to work from, the kids love their new school....and he's gone. I have no one.
No, that's not right...I have my children and they have me....I've told them that quite a few times tonight already. Please help me. I know other couples have problems with ILs that are so much worse. I've read all the posts, I know. He says he loves me but he says he can't be torn between me and his family. He says I make him happy, happier than he's ever been. But if they don't like me, there's got to be good reason. I've tried to get along with them, really I have. We just don't have that much in common and I feel left out of every family gathering. Then they say I come off as a snob and they think I feel I'm better than them.
Can it really just come down to that? They don't like me....so it's over? Please. Please help me.

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I know you just want to walk away, but you were scammed. He wasn't the love of your life, because the love of your life wouldn't do something like this to you or your children and what a very, very bitter pill to swallow. I know it feels like the easiest thing would be to just walk away and forget it. I did that because I just wanted it over with, I just wanted it all done, but later, when I was stronger, I really did regret not getting a lawyer and getting the money back of mine that he walked away with. A whopping $10,000. I financially paid seriously for years on end.
You need that money for your children and yourself and you worked hard for it. If you cannot pay for a lawyer right now there are many who will work either on a sliding scale or pro-bono. Please, please consider seriously what I'm saying to you. Your kids shouldn't pay for this guy's greed. In many ways, he's directly attacking them too.
Don't be powerless.
I have to agree with patience_is_a_virtue. You need to do what is *right*, for your kids AND yourself.
No, don't ask him for money. Have your attorney TELL him to pay WHAT HE OWES YOU!!! Very big difference, there. Don't let him get away with dumping *HIS* financial mess into your lap. Maybe his controlling, enmeshed family would pitch in to rescue him from the position they pushed him into and trained him for.
Come on girl, be strong. For your own self respect and for the well being of those wonderful children who deserve so much better than what he served them. You *can* do it, you have to.
I don't think he was the love of your life either. He was just a jerk who played the game very well. I don't doubt that *you* loved *him*, but he doesn't sound capable of actual love and certainly not worthy of yours.
{{{hugs}}}
You could probably get good advice, counseling and referrals from your local women's shelter. You *were* abused, you should qualify!
{{{hugs}}}
ilve2read
Actually, the red flag here was NOT this guy's parents or the fact that they supposedly didn't like you. The red flag was his r/ship history. Whether his parents like or dislike his gfs - it ends in ruin. I mean literal RUIN. Everyone has to be responsible for the decisions we make in life - for him to blams it all on these women shows lack of character on his part. Every r/ship I have had ended in amicably. I have even maintained friendships. Can't you see that the problem here is HIM? How could he be so horribly wrong about those other women? One of them was STILL married when he supposedly got her pregnant - what does that say about this man's morals!?!
I also agree w/the other poster who mentioned that if he was really the person you thought he was - he wouldn't be capable of doing this. He PLOTTED to leave you 2 weeks beforehand? Without every mentioning a word to you? Thats pretty low. I still think that the other women quite probably DID lose it on him bc he may have treated them this way. You said yourself you may "lose it" if he said no to you. Don't get hung up on the parents - they are just the scapegoats for him to rationalize his digusting behaviour. Its his choice, his actions and he is the one doing this to you.
I don't understand why you wouldn't want to pursue the financial stuff? Are you perhaps embarassed that you've be taken advantage of? You don't want to tell a lawyer, judege, etc how foolish you have acted? Because this is part of empowerment. The strongest of us realize our mistakes and take EVERY action available to us to correct it as best we can. Thats the best example you can set to your children here. As far as they know, when ppl take advantage of their family - it means THEY have to go w/out!?! Seriously reconsider this.
I've got a husband who DID listen to his parents - and his mother does not like me. But I made him choose long before I invested anything in this r/ship. He made his choice loud and clear...so I let him move in & we eventually married.
I got the job! So much of what he was hearing from his family was about me using him, being a gold-digger, refusing to work....that's apart from the lies about me cheating on him as well as saying horribly rude things to his family behing his back. I had a job interview Monday and got it. I started today.
He watched my 4yr/old while I interviewed and afterwards we spoke a little. I told him I had proof (an email from my old boss in Indy) that proves this person was lying. He said he'd read it. Then he'd think about it, but wasn't making any promises.
He hasn't called. The email is still sitting on my printer, right here. He hasn't seen it.
I've done all I can do. My children miss him so much. I just want him to come home.
I'm so sorry that you and your children are in this terrible situation. Big hugs to all of you. Like the other posters said it is a mental illness when adults act this way. I hate to say men, because they are not men when they do this.
Since the mini van is in your name, couldn't you report it as stolen to the police and have him arrested? I believe it would be considered grand theft auto. I know you don't want to be mean, but he did steal it if he has it. He also stole money from you out of the bank accounts. He did all of it premediated too. Start tapeing any conversations that you have with him or his family.
A couple little thoughts that hopefully will help your kids. If you have to move to another state let your children know they can talk to their friends with email. We recently moved across country and for my kids emailing their friends is a life saver. Is the rental house that you own near your parents house? If it is, it might cheer up the kids to think they are moving back by grandma and grandpa.
Sorry I can't think of more to help.
Hugs,
April P.
I'm having a hard time realizing that you still want this man back in your life. If I were in your shoes I would be seething with rage. There is a difference between letting someone take advantage of you and being understanding with them. This man is a calculated conniving person, and everyone seems to get that except you. I understand you love him, but that surely shouldnt mean that you will lose all your wits!!
In my opinion you should take immediate steps to protect yourself and get back your assets before he leaves you out on the street... instead of waiting for "him to come home".
Frankly I dont even believe he loved you. I think all of this was a warped evil way of getting revenge for the stuff that has happened to him. I think that he planned this from th e beginning and his family just aided and abetted him.
Dont for a minute believe that he is a puppet in their hands. He is the perpetrator and he is using them to fool you.. and he is succeeding.
Where is your self-respect? Sorry for being harsh.. but really, dont lose all your dignity and pride for "love". This is not how people who love you act.
This is how people who DONT love you destroy you.
eta: fixed typo
Edited 12/6/2006 7:03 pm ET by ingie2004
" Then I'd be stooping to his level or the level of the women who've hurt him or the level that his family has convinced him I'm at."
NO!! you would only be protecting yourself financially. You seem to be brainwashed by his stories. Do you seriously not see the difference here? By taking your car back you would be claiming what is rightfully yours. Not stealing from him!!
No offense but I would recommend that you see a counsellor and lawyer immediately. You seem to have issues with self-esteem if you believe that someone can treat you this way and be rewarded for it. Why are you pining for him when you should be hopping mad? That is not a normal reaction to this.. it seems to me that you can't even see how badly he is treating yo u and your family.
Please see a therapist. I think that you have enough issues of your own to contend with to warrant a visit.
I am mad, I'm pissed beyond belief! I want to claw his face and beat his chest and scream and cry and make him know what he's done to us. I just know how incredibly happy we have been together and I also know how much he loves me. I think it's just buried underneath all the static from his family. If he could just stop and think, possess one clear thought on his own without his family's influence, he would realize how wrong this was.
It's so easy for you guys to say "to hell with him," I know. Long before this happened to me, I was reading other people's posts and being disgusted myself with the lack of common sense and self-respect some of these girls display. This is the second love of my life. I was married for 10 years, four years too long. It was hard to realize that our committment was dead. I left my husband, he took it hard, and it broke my heart to see him drink more, self-destruct and blame it all on me.
I am committed to this man. We have a future together. Yes, he has hurt me and my children. He's done something so cruel and malicisous for reasons that make no sense. But I'm not walking away. Once he realizes he's made the worst mistake of his life....I'll be there to take him back. We'll go to counseling, we'll get through this. Love shouldn't be disposble. I still believe there's hope. I have to believe, for my children and for myself.
If he were to call right now (why hasn't he called....?) and tell me that there's no chance. That it was doomed before it began. That he's over it and done with me, then no, I'm not going to keep pining away for him. But girls, it's been FIVE days. I have to believe there's a chance he'll come back.
Edited 12/6/2006 8:47 pm ET by sophie_23
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