He left me just now.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
He left me just now.....
97
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:58pm

I'm new here. I joined a couple weeks ago to read about other people's problems with their ILs and tell myself that our problems weren't really that bad and we'd get through it all. My hands are shaking so bad and I'm about to lose it. Please help.

Four weeks ago, the Love of my life asked me if I cheated on him. I swear to you all just as I swore to him that I never have. He told me his family doesn't like me, so there must be something wrong with me. They've gotten along with his other girlfriends and wives even though they were scheming horrible women who took advantage of him, lied to him, cheated on him and ruined his life and credit. I love him so much because he has such a beautiful heart and I knew we would make this work. I would never hurt him, not in a million years.

They are telling him about horrible comments I've made that I have no recollection of. They are telling him that I've cheated with several men and they have "proof." When I proved that their "proof" was based on lies, he still chose to believe them, stating that they have his best interests at heart.

We've been together for over 16 months now, living together since January. We're both 32. I have four children whom he has loved and bonded with and they have loved him just as much. He came home tonight with his three brothers and a friend and moved every possession of his out and into a truck. My children and I sat on the stairs and cried.

I love him so much, we have such a wonderful life here. I left my job and family in Indy to move to Louisville, KY when he got a promotion this summer. We bought a house, a new car for him to work from, the kids love their new school....and he's gone. I have no one.

No, that's not right...I have my children and they have me....I've told them that quite a few times tonight already. Please help me. I know other couples have problems with ILs that are so much worse. I've read all the posts, I know. He says he loves me but he says he can't be torn between me and his family. He says I make him happy, happier than he's ever been. But if they don't like me, there's got to be good reason. I've tried to get along with them, really I have. We just don't have that much in common and I feel left out of every family gathering. Then they say I come off as a snob and they think I feel I'm better than them.

Can it really just come down to that? They don't like me....so it's over? Please. Please help me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 9:10pm
Well I wish you luck then. You are making a choice, fully aware of the situation. Just remember that it may be too late to recover financially by then. He may not realize that he made a mistake. It may so turn out that you are the one that made the mistake. In any case I do wish for the best for you and your family. Noone deserves this. Good luck and keep us posted on what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 6:08pm

We are just trying to show you what is looks like - when you aren't looking at it w/love in your heart. I believe love is never wrong but I also believe that love isn't always enough to make a r/ship. There are two things wrong with your logic: one is that acting like you are in a committed r/ship. You are not. Your bf is not committed to you and therefore does not deserve the benefit of the doubt here. You are investing your time & energy on someone who clearly is a "risky investment." The second flaw in your logic is the belief that it is his family and not him. This is HIM. Its HIS choice and these are HIS actions. Whatever the reasons does not matter. He chooses who he listens to and what he believes and he chooses to leave you. It may be 5 days to you - but as you wrote in your first post - he has been planning this for 2 weeks. So its been 3 weeks of decision for him.

What if he did come back? How long would it last before you found yourself here again? Would he still be "listening to his family" like a child?

Remember this: people only do what they want to do.

And your giving him a car (how could he think you were trying to financially use him!?!) does not do anything to make him love you or want you.

Great news on the job!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 7:00pm

Thank you, thank you, thank you, everyone. It has been so helpful to pour myself into these posts and to receive feedback and advice from others who care. I know most of you don't agree with my willingness to take him back. I wouldn't agree with it either if this happened to someone I know who asked for advice from me. He hurt me and my children so bad. I was in total shock and confusion because I knew this was not the man that I love, not the man that I know loves me. I knew he was lied to, I knew he trusted the people who told him these lies. I felt sorry for him, not angry. The pressure his family has put on him, the doubts, the lies, the memory of what he's been through already. I feel they brainwashed him. I felt so sorry for him because he almost let them destroy his chance at a real and lasting future with the love of his life.

He came home last night. We talked. I looked deep into his eyes, he looked deep into mine. I saw him realize right there on our couch what a terrible mistake he made. We held eachother, I cried and sobbed and asked him how he could do this to me, how he could walk away from all that we have, all the happiness and love that we shared. How he could destroy us in such a cruel way. He told me how scared he was, all the things his mom and brothers were telling him. They had convinced him I was an evil, conniving person, planning to destroy his life just like all the others. He wanted to believe in me, but they put him under so much pressure. I could see the pain in his eyes.

It's hard for a man to realize that his own family can cause him to make such a wrong decision. I know he was the one who ulimately made that decision. He was the one who stopped believing in us. He was the one who left. They didn't put a gun to his head and force him to leave me. But I also know that the tactics used by his family would have made each and everyone of you confess to premeditated murder. You'll start to believe that the sky is green and the grass is blue if everyone you know, love and trust is telling you that that is the truth.

He's going to come back home. We're going to get therapy. He still has to tell his family. I know how hard that will be for him. But we are committed to eachother. Only time will prove them wrong and we now have forever. We have our future back. We have eachother.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 8:16pm
Well...good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 10:16am

I do wish you the very best.

Please follow the "trust but verify" philosophy with this one. He has shown you what he is capable of and that he is vulnerable to foo manipulations.

Therapy is a very good idea.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 6:04pm

If you love him and you know that he loves you, tell him. Tell him you will do whatever you can to prove to him and to anyone else that your love for him is true. If you have to put up with his family, be friendly act all lovey dovey but know that they cannot be trusted.

I hope things can work out for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:46pm

I feel so scared and so used. He's been home three times since he left on the 1st, we've talked and cried and he says he wants to believe me. We've made love and he spent the night. He agreed to counseling, he asked if I really thought I could forgive him. I told him I loved him, he tells me he loves me. I told him we can make it through this. I believed in us.

I got home from work today and his car is in the driveway, completely cleaned out and the keys are in the mailbox. He was here last night, telling me he wanted to believe me. He still wanted to talk to my old boss in Indy. He wanted to hear what she had to say. I wanted him to talk to her from the beginning. These lies are about her too. Just last night! He told me he wanted to believe me. And then he brought the car back?

WHAT NOW??? What else do I have to endure? What more can his family do to me? What other lies have they told him? How much torture and abuse can one innocent person take? I thought we were going to make it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 4:36pm
I am sorry that all of this is happening to you. You simply cannot subject yourself and your children to this type of emotional abuse. His family is not the only one at fault here. He is also. He is listening to their lies and believing them over you. He is also doing things to you that really hurt you. If he can look you in the eyes, see the love that you have for him and still treat you this way, he simply does not feel about you the way that you feel about him. If he does truly love you he has a really odd way of showing it. You need to take control of this situation. Right now he is able to just come back and then leave again when he pleases. That needs to stop. If you don't mind my asking, how old is he and how old are you? You may have said this before and I am sorry if I am asking a question that has already been asked. I am just trying to figure out what makes him behave this way. I think you deserve better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 5:29pm

I'm 33, he's 32. But I feel like a 15 year old getting my heart broken for the first time. Believing in someone who has lied to me and hurt me. I am embarrassed that I let this happen to me. This is not my life, this is not me.

I'm an adult, mature and confident. I see foolish girls make mistakes in love and I shake my head....silly girl, didn't you know? Couldn't you see that coming? Here I am. Having my heart ripped out by the love of my life....this can't be happening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:38pm

This man lacks maturity. I believe you said he was 32 or 33? And yet he still seems to be hanging on every word his parents say, listening to them tell him what is right for him, and letting them make all of his decisions. I understand how it is to have in-laws who still want to "parent" their son and believe they know what is best, ultimately. I know what it's like to have in-laws who hate you for no apparent reason other than the fact that their son chose you to marry or chose you to be the person he spends his life with. It's not a fun situation. But to be linked to a man who will never trust you to stay with him 100 percent, to a man who believes you are "evil" only because his "mommy and daddy" told him so, and a man who would leave the woman he "loves" and her four children with little to nothing to live on is not worth fighting for. That issue can be viewed as entirely separate from the issue with his family. He just lacks maturity, and he is not a "man." He is a boy in a man's body.

It sounds like this could become a cycle, with the same thing happening over and over again. He comes home, you talk with each other, start to understand each other, make the decision to be together, and then once he goes back out into the world, he falls under everyone else's influence. This man is not even strong in his own convictions. Is that the type of person you would like your children to learn from and to model themselves after? That it's okay to put the people in your life through this type of turmoil? From your writing, you seem to be a very strong woman, and your children, no doubt, already have that strong role model in you. Don't make that obsolete by choosing to stay with a man who emotionally abuses you and them time and time again. Love hurts, yes, but not because it is supposed to be abusive. You don't "need" a man like this. Be strong and you be the one who leaves, for your children's sake. I guarantee that this experience is going to help mold their emotional dispositions, and it's all wrapped up in the decision you make. If you choose to stay and continue to be abused by this man, they will learn that it is okay to be treated and to treat others like that. If you leave and tell them exactly why, that it was for them and that no one, under any circumstances, should ever treat you that way, they will have learned a very big lesson that some children never have to chance to. Don't let your home become a dysfunctional mess because it affects more than you. It's going to affect your children for the rest of their lives and they might grow up to do the same thing to their significant others because they witnessed it with you.

That's just my two cents. I'm also a bit of a lurker. I've got a less than desireable in-law situation as well.

Good luck to you.

Ashley

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