He left me just now.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
He left me just now.....
97
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:58pm

I'm new here. I joined a couple weeks ago to read about other people's problems with their ILs and tell myself that our problems weren't really that bad and we'd get through it all. My hands are shaking so bad and I'm about to lose it. Please help.

Four weeks ago, the Love of my life asked me if I cheated on him. I swear to you all just as I swore to him that I never have. He told me his family doesn't like me, so there must be something wrong with me. They've gotten along with his other girlfriends and wives even though they were scheming horrible women who took advantage of him, lied to him, cheated on him and ruined his life and credit. I love him so much because he has such a beautiful heart and I knew we would make this work. I would never hurt him, not in a million years.

They are telling him about horrible comments I've made that I have no recollection of. They are telling him that I've cheated with several men and they have "proof." When I proved that their "proof" was based on lies, he still chose to believe them, stating that they have his best interests at heart.

We've been together for over 16 months now, living together since January. We're both 32. I have four children whom he has loved and bonded with and they have loved him just as much. He came home tonight with his three brothers and a friend and moved every possession of his out and into a truck. My children and I sat on the stairs and cried.

I love him so much, we have such a wonderful life here. I left my job and family in Indy to move to Louisville, KY when he got a promotion this summer. We bought a house, a new car for him to work from, the kids love their new school....and he's gone. I have no one.

No, that's not right...I have my children and they have me....I've told them that quite a few times tonight already. Please help me. I know other couples have problems with ILs that are so much worse. I've read all the posts, I know. He says he loves me but he says he can't be torn between me and his family. He says I make him happy, happier than he's ever been. But if they don't like me, there's got to be good reason. I've tried to get along with them, really I have. We just don't have that much in common and I feel left out of every family gathering. Then they say I come off as a snob and they think I feel I'm better than them.

Can it really just come down to that? They don't like me....so it's over? Please. Please help me.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 3:55pm

I closed our account today. He took everything, opened up his own account and won't speak to me. There was $48 in there. That's all I have. I closed it since he still has his ATM card and if he tried to overdraw it, I didn't want to be responsible for that.

I am just so numb. What do I do now? He won't answer his phone or return my emails. Of course, I've only tried to contact him once every other day since he left. I refuse to appear needy, clingy or desperate. I've only left a few messages telling him that the kids miss him and that I hope he is still considering going to counseling with me. I've heard nothing since Sunday night, when he sat on my couch and told me we could make it work.

How do I go on? I need money but he won't talk to me. I could go sit at his office, wait for him to come in, cause a scene, visit his friends, his clients, tell them what he did and try to shame him into talking to me. He's treated me so wrong, so dirty. I have no way and no idea how to even let him know that I'm suffering. That we're suffering.

My boys asked me again last night what they did to make him leave. What they could have done differently to make him stay. What they can do to make him come back. We cried some more. I held them and told them this was not their fault. It's not my fault. It may not even be his family's fault. But it's so hard not to look back and second-guess every move and every decision. We were so happy. I just can't believe the happiness wasn't real. It felt real.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 4:57pm

I'm really sorry this is happening to you, but I cant honestly say that I am surprised. I think that anyone who has been following your story could see this coming from a mile away.
Instead of leaving voicemails, will you now PLEASE get a lawyer? You say you only have 48$ in the bank account. I am hoping that you have your own money stashed away somewhere and hadnt merged everything.. please say you didnt!

As for your following words:
"It may not even be his family's fault. But it's so hard not to look back and second-guess every move and every decision. We were so happy. I just can't believe the happiness wasn't real. "

ummm... yeah, I think that we can finally agree it's not his family's fault. The man is a manipulator who took you for a ride. He cheated you, betrayed your trust, has swiped your back account. It's hard, but for your children's sake, you really should pull yourself together. No man is worth this sort of humiliation. You should immediately try and see how you can protect yourself and your children from further damage. NOT sit around thinking of how you can bring him back.
I know you love him... but he clearly isnt worth your love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 7:53pm
What can a lawyer do for me? Except take more money away from me that I don't have? This man took his last three paychecks that had been deposited into our joint account. I had been looking for a job and I got a job...the week after he left. The car he left in my driveway, the house he abandoned along with me and my children. How could I get any money out of him? The credit cards are in my name, the utilities are in my name. What can a lawyer really get out of him? He's been wanting to file bankruptcy for a while because of the mess the last woman left him in. I don't have anywhere to turn, no one on my side, my children's Christmas is ruined. It's a waiting game until we're evicted from this house and have to move back to Indy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 8:51pm

Hi
I'm sorry to hear and read about your situation. I'm just writing in response to the lawyer comment you made in the previous post. Isn't there somewhere you can get free legal counsel in your town? I know that they offer it at the university here. Just going to talk to someone might not be a bad idea, plus if you look in the blue pages or the yellow pages there may be a place that can offer free legal advice. I just feel that there must be some way that you can recoupe the money that he took.

I know that when you get thru this you will be a stronger person.
Take care and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 1:56pm

"They've gotten along with his other girlfriends and wives even though they were scheming horrible women who took advantage of him, lied to him, cheated on him and ruined his life and credit... He already drained our account. ...he decided to leave two weeks ago... His credit was so bad from his other relationships we just barely were able to get this house, even though my credit is perfect. I bought a car for him in my name..."

I hope that you realize now that you cannot believe anything this man has ever told you. When you meet a man who tells you that every woman in his life has been "scheming & horrible" then you have to have serious doubts about his veracity. Even though he used you, and got a car out of you, he is going to tell his next woman that YOU used him and ruined his credit.

It was him. All this time, it was all his doing. Wasn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 3:39pm

It hurts so bad. I look back at our life together and see such happiness. It wasn't all in my head. Please don't tell me that I imagined all the love we shared. I loved him so much. He was so generous and kind. We had so much fun together, on a cruise vacation, a night out at the movies or just staying home watching TV. Our favorite thing to do was just lay in bed on Saturday mornings while the kids watched cartoons and ate cereal. We talked and laughed. It was real.

He bonded with my children. They love him and miss him so much. He wasn't just tolerating them, putting up with the day to day crap of having kids just to use me. He roughhoused with them. He tickled them. He played football with them. Helping and encouraging my oldest, yelling for him to run for a touchdown during his games. He helped them with homework. He was there with wisdom and advice whenever they needed it. If there was a bully, a bad grade on a test or just sibling squabbles. He wasn't just a passive observer. We had a life.

What did he get out of this? What was the point if all along he just wanted to use me. He doesn't have anything that he didn't come into our relationship with. All I have is more debt, a half empty house and crying, tortured children who still ask me every night if I think he'll come back tomorrow. Why?

I have to believe it was his family. They have twisted his thinking. He believes it was just a matter of time before I did to him all the things his family warned him about. They lied to him about things I have said and done. Any attempt at a defense on my part was met with the stern warning never to call his mother or his brothers a liar. He chose to believe the lies. He abandoned us in order to quiet his family's complaints. That's the only explanation that makes any sense in this entire crisis. He chose his family over me and my children and the life we had.

I feel so sorry for him. We were happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 8:20pm
You are free to believe whatever you want to believe. Right now it's quite irrelevant what you believe and whether the love was real or not.
I just want to know what you're going to do next. You say that you have no money, have a new job, you'll have to move out etc. What have you started doing to make the next steps easier for your children? Have you looked into moving back to your old state? Getting back your old job? Have you started thinking about how to get back on your feet financially? Get rid of the debt? I'd focus more on the future now, and less on the past if I were you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 10:40am

Yes, I've started planning. I want to move back to Indy, back to the apartments that we lived in when I met this man. My children loved that school and miss their friends that still go there. Their father was just around the corner, although he never took any interest in them. My mother will be closer, I can use her help. I've asked for my old job back, but the position is filled and they can't let that person go right now.

"That person" is actually the sister-in-law to this man, the one who told the family the lies about me. One of the hardest parts about this is that she has my job, works with my old friends and by her lies has stolen my life.

But my children are excited about going back to something familiar. The move won't be as hard. I will go back to the temp agency I worked for and begin working as soon as I can. I haven't paid on my three major credit cards, the mortgage to this house, the mortgage on the rental house in Indy or his car sitting in my driveway. If I scrimp and save every dollar, I can keep the utilities on here until we move out in March.

Once I get settled in my apartment in Indy, I'll contact a bankruptcy attorney and start that whole process. By that time, this house and the car will be handed over. My credit cards will have suspended my accounts and the you-know-what will be hitting the fan. I have never been late on any payments, it kills me to knowingly not pay debts that I owe.

He left scott-free, no worries, no looking back. He gets his clean, fresh start and I get mine...? In five to seven years, maybe by the time my boys are in high school, I'll be able to move out of the apartment and buy a small house. It's hard to imagine this pain ever going away. But at least I can see a future now, without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 11:15am
I have been following your story and I and wondering why you are so willing to sit back and wait to be ruined financially? You can sell the car and the house. Depending on how you financed them you could break even or at least owe less than you would if you do nothing! If his name is on the house then he is equally liable for the payments.Of course you said his credit was not good anyway so he may not care about one more bad listing- but he is legally obligated to the bank. Also if your credit has always been sound then call your credit card companies and work out arrangements! They would rather work something out with you then have to turn you over to collections.This may mean you will not be able to use the cards but then they will cancel your ability to do that anyway if you don't pay anything. Also make sure he can not charge anything to your credit accounts- remove him as an authorized user. Please consult an attorney! Don't let this situation bury you- it is not necessary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 11:36am

{{{hugs}}}

I'm glad to hear that you have plans and are working to make them happen.

Another suggestion is a debt counselor. Their services are free and they usually are quite informed on matters to do with debt. I believe they could tell you which would be better *for you* as regards selling vs defaulting on loans. And I know they can negotiate with the credit card companies, maybe even get your interest suspended, so you only owe what you owe *now* rather than having the debt increased each month. Obviously the credit cards will be cancelled, but they would anyway.

I do have to say that the circumstances you were left in make me question just how bad those "other women" were. Consider your source and compare to what he left you with.

Treasure the love you had, hold the memories dear, put the person of him into a locked up box and keep your eyes on your future. Do take time to mourn for the love and trust that were lost, learn from this experience (keep legal {financial} entanglements separate from romantic ones *until* legal protection is in place) and march on with your head up and your children beside you.

If you feel comfortable doing so, I think many here would like to hear updates. I will pray that you have many, many more positive ones than negative ones to share. :o)

{{{hugs}}}

ilve2read

Pages