He left me just now.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
He left me just now.....
97
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:58pm

I'm new here. I joined a couple weeks ago to read about other people's problems with their ILs and tell myself that our problems weren't really that bad and we'd get through it all. My hands are shaking so bad and I'm about to lose it. Please help.

Four weeks ago, the Love of my life asked me if I cheated on him. I swear to you all just as I swore to him that I never have. He told me his family doesn't like me, so there must be something wrong with me. They've gotten along with his other girlfriends and wives even though they were scheming horrible women who took advantage of him, lied to him, cheated on him and ruined his life and credit. I love him so much because he has such a beautiful heart and I knew we would make this work. I would never hurt him, not in a million years.

They are telling him about horrible comments I've made that I have no recollection of. They are telling him that I've cheated with several men and they have "proof." When I proved that their "proof" was based on lies, he still chose to believe them, stating that they have his best interests at heart.

We've been together for over 16 months now, living together since January. We're both 32. I have four children whom he has loved and bonded with and they have loved him just as much. He came home tonight with his three brothers and a friend and moved every possession of his out and into a truck. My children and I sat on the stairs and cried.

I love him so much, we have such a wonderful life here. I left my job and family in Indy to move to Louisville, KY when he got a promotion this summer. We bought a house, a new car for him to work from, the kids love their new school....and he's gone. I have no one.

No, that's not right...I have my children and they have me....I've told them that quite a few times tonight already. Please help me. I know other couples have problems with ILs that are so much worse. I've read all the posts, I know. He says he loves me but he says he can't be torn between me and his family. He says I make him happy, happier than he's ever been. But if they don't like me, there's got to be good reason. I've tried to get along with them, really I have. We just don't have that much in common and I feel left out of every family gathering. Then they say I come off as a snob and they think I feel I'm better than them.

Can it really just come down to that? They don't like me....so it's over? Please. Please help me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 12:49pm

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. In my opinion the best thing for you to do is talk to him, but if he does not come to his senses then you should consider moving on.
Don't let him destroy your self esteem. If he chose to walk out on you simply because his family told him so I am not sure how you can ever trust him or feel safe with him again.

You can only go so far to be agreeable towards people who only want to mistreat you and cause you harm. You are not required to be the doormat for his family, and if he lets them treat you in this way then I suggest you get away from him and find someone else who will treat you the way that you should be treated.

I too am hated by my in-laws. They recently destroyed my wedding and have tried everything in their power to make my life a living hell, but I told my husband that it was either them or me. I will not stand by and let them treat me as if I have no worth simply because they do not care for me.

I’ve told him that if they can start treating me like a human being I will be more than happy to be sociable and attend family functions. They’ve yet to start acting like decent individuals so this year we skipped thanksgiving and we’re not going to x-mass either..

It seems as though your in-laws just want to hate you as is the case with me. I am a corporate pilot and I am starting graduate school for a PhD in neuroscience next year, but they've never liked me; and they have never given him a reason why. You should not let him or anyone else make you feel like there is something wrong with you simply because they don't like you.

Sometimes people don't like you because there is something wrong with them!
I hope that this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 12:58pm

Hi there...


this is such an awful situation for you and I'm sorry you have to go through it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 12:58pm

I've been struggling with my credit card debt for a long time. I've always made at least the minimum payments, but when my ex-husband stopped paying child support during parts of 2004 and 2005 and wouldn't take the children for his half of the summer, leaving me with very expensive daycare costs, I had to put rent, gas, groceries, property taxes and most everything else on those cards. When I left my husband, I generously accepted liablity for $9,000 in credit cards. That amount is now over $28,000. The car I bought for this man is worth maybe $14k but the loan is $21k because of the trade-in pay-off. This house has a 50-year ARM, with prepayment penalties in the first 3 years on the first mortgage and a 30-year balloon on the second mortgage.

My children deserve a better childhood. If I am struggling to make payments on credit cards, penalties to banks and collection agencies, I won't be able to afford new shoes, little league, birthday presents, ballet lessons. I don't want my children to suffer any more. If my slate is wiped clean, if the debt is erased, I can start over with the little money I make and make ends meet on my own. I will talk to a credit counselor, it's actually required now before a person can file chapter 7 or 13.

Once the dust settles, I will be alright. I still want him to come home, I still love him and miss him and would give anything for our life to be back the way it was just three weeks ago. But that won't happen. He's destroyed us. I have to accept defeat. I'll be down for a little while, but I will stand again. My children and I will survive this and maybe, one day, if my heart heals and the uncontrollable crying stops, I might even love again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 1:15pm

I know this forum is filled with women who have problems and issues with their in-laws. Whether you're dating, engaged, newly married or married for 20 years, you're dealing with the issue of your mate's loyalty to his family. How brave for you to tell him, "it's either me or them....choose now, who will you believe in, who will you love?" I never gave my fiance that ultimatum. I would never have asked him to choose between my love and the love of his family. I couldn't stand the thought that they disliked me, I wouldn't have caused more trouble by demanding that he choose.

But he chose anyway. They won. My children and I lost. I believe he lost, as well. But who knows if he'll ever see it that way.

To those of you who have demanded that your mate make that choice, those of you who have "won" and who still have a warm body to sleep with every night, I wish you peace and joy in your relationship. To those who are considering it, please be careful. What will you do when he leaves?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 2:28pm

{{{hugs}}} again.

ilve2read

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 2:58pm
You should still sell the car and house. Get as much as you can and then you are only responsible for the difference, not the whole amount. Maybe if you get a good price on the house and have some left over after you pay off the loan, then you can pay the difference on the car and maybe you won't have to file bankruptcy after all. Its worth a shot at least.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 3:03pm
I just thought of something. See if you can rent the house that you are currently in for a while, then sell it. That way you won't be strapped, and you won't have to file bankruptcy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 3:53pm

I just don't have the energy. I already own a house in Indy, I've tried to rent it out and time and time again I've been screwed by bad tenants. It's so much work. Even if I stay here until March and have renters move in behind us, I can't afford the mortgage payments until then. I have to go back to Indy. I have to start over.

Inigo Montoya said it best, "I have to go back to the beginning, and this is the beginning."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 6:53pm

I've changed my mind! I am going to fight for the truth. I'm not going to roll over and die. He was and still is the love of my life, we had a happy family and a bright future. I'm going to fight and I'm going to get him back.

I had asked his father and step-mother (who have always liked me) to try to contact him for me, since he wasn't answering my calls and hadn't spoken to me since last Sunday. I told them briefly what happened, that we were abandoned without warning, for no reason. They emailed me back and said that they are truly sorry for me, they liked me, thought we were happy together and after speaking with him, HE said he left because I had been unfaithful.

So that's it. He still believes the lies his SIL told him, the one who has my old job, works with my old friends. The one who told him that she heard rumors that I had slept with 3 guys there. That the people I worked with in actuality were glad I had left because of the horrible person they believe I was! I've spoken with my former boss, she about died when I told her this. None of it's true. It's all a complete fabrication.

I'm going tomorrow to confront her. We're going to sit down....me, my former co-workers, my former boss and my former SIL-to-be. She's either going to confess to telling the lies in front of her boss and co-workers or she'll play dumb and admit to nothing. At that time, I'll hand her a writing tablet, and say....well then, you should have no problem putting that in writing.

It doesn't really matter which she chooses! Either she admits to telling the lies to her boss and risks losing her job, or she plays dumb, and I have proof in writing that she's changed her story. Then I'll call HIM. Right there on the speakerphone, and he will know. She will admit they were lies one way or another...to her boss or to her brother-in-law. He will know. The truth will set me free.

He has refused to even consider the possibility that she could have made this up. Once he knows, tomorrow, that I have never cheated on him, it will be his turn to beg. I'm done begging, I'm done crying.

I am fighting for the truth! I will not be labeled a cheater or a liar. Not while there is any fight in me left....and girls...there is fight left in me still!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 7:39pm

I wish you the best, be careful.

{{{hugs}}}

ilve2read

PS, even if he does beg, remember that he *chose* to believe what were admittedly rumors. He didn't require any evidence from her, just her word. I do still wish you the best possible outcome, how ever it turns out.

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