He left me just now.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
He left me just now.....
97
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:58pm

I'm new here. I joined a couple weeks ago to read about other people's problems with their ILs and tell myself that our problems weren't really that bad and we'd get through it all. My hands are shaking so bad and I'm about to lose it. Please help.

Four weeks ago, the Love of my life asked me if I cheated on him. I swear to you all just as I swore to him that I never have. He told me his family doesn't like me, so there must be something wrong with me. They've gotten along with his other girlfriends and wives even though they were scheming horrible women who took advantage of him, lied to him, cheated on him and ruined his life and credit. I love him so much because he has such a beautiful heart and I knew we would make this work. I would never hurt him, not in a million years.

They are telling him about horrible comments I've made that I have no recollection of. They are telling him that I've cheated with several men and they have "proof." When I proved that their "proof" was based on lies, he still chose to believe them, stating that they have his best interests at heart.

We've been together for over 16 months now, living together since January. We're both 32. I have four children whom he has loved and bonded with and they have loved him just as much. He came home tonight with his three brothers and a friend and moved every possession of his out and into a truck. My children and I sat on the stairs and cried.

I love him so much, we have such a wonderful life here. I left my job and family in Indy to move to Louisville, KY when he got a promotion this summer. We bought a house, a new car for him to work from, the kids love their new school....and he's gone. I have no one.

No, that's not right...I have my children and they have me....I've told them that quite a few times tonight already. Please help me. I know other couples have problems with ILs that are so much worse. I've read all the posts, I know. He says he loves me but he says he can't be torn between me and his family. He says I make him happy, happier than he's ever been. But if they don't like me, there's got to be good reason. I've tried to get along with them, really I have. We just don't have that much in common and I feel left out of every family gathering. Then they say I come off as a snob and they think I feel I'm better than them.

Can it really just come down to that? They don't like me....so it's over? Please. Please help me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 9:34pm
Please update everyone on this message board. I am interested to hear what happens with this.....this is some serious drama at the holidays.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 10:06am
Sophie, his family may have "twisted" his thinking, but he is an adult and he is responsible for what he ALLOWS them to do to his thinking and how he acts on it. Stop defending him! Regardless of what his family has done, HE IS ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE for his actions. Didn't you say he is a 32 year old man??? You need to get yourself and your children out of this mess and move on. Your children don't deserve this treatment and neither do you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:42pm

I'm in Indy, at my mom's house. I drove all this way and now I have to wait. My former boss called and said that she would rather I confront the ex-SIL-to-be after work hours. I had planned to do it during her lunch break, but she's already left for that....so, I'll wait. I'll be there in the parking lot at 5pm waiting. I'll ask her what she has said and why she has said it. I have to get her to admit to this mess.

I know many of you are shaking your heads, wondering why in the world I would want this man back. I feel he was stolen from me. He was lied to and yes, he decided to believe the lies. If I can just discredit the lies, if he can see the deceit, then maybe he'll rethink all the other doubts. I know he loves he. When he sees me fighting so hard for us and for the truth, it may be enough to bring him back.

And if not....then at least he can't say he left because I cheated. He won't be able to use that excuse. When people ask him why we split up, he will have to answer, his mom didn't like me, so he left me. He couldn't handle the responsibility of my kids, the mortgage, the bills, whatever, and so he left. Whatever reason he gives people as to why our beautiful love had to end....it won't be because of me. I never cheated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:47pm
Just please be careful if you will not reconsider confronting this woman. You will do your children no good at all if you are faced with charges of harrassment or whatever from this woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:30pm

Oh my gosh...

Well, there is no way out of this other than to get to the root. Call his family and invite them all over. With or without him, your choice - but drastic times call for drastic measures. Anyway, call them over, all those who have this proof.

Ask them what it is they think they know...tell them that you love DH dearly, and you refuse to let him go over some hear say. Tell them to ask any questions that they may have doubts about, answer them truthfully and honestly. Tell each of them that you love them, and that you want to have a relationship, but like every relationship it takes time. Pour your heart out, tell them what they are doing to your relationship, tell them how attached not only you but your children have become.

Hopefully with the air cleared they will accept you. Its obvious that you love your husband, but you will have to talk to him one on one as well - speak with him and tell him that when you got married that you made a vow that no one will break your marriage, and that included his in laws, tell him that you have spoken to them, they have asked all the questions they needed to ask and that you are making a conscious effort to love them and if they dont love you then you cant help that.

Ask him if he has considered that you may be telling the truth. Ask him what would he do if he were you and the same situation occured...what would he do...? If that doesnt work, honey you have to leave him. He can't be a spineless man who cares nothing about your side of the story.

Hope it helps!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 7:41pm

Be careful!!! Be very careful! I don't know why this woman would lie - but if she really did spread vicious rumours about you, she may be capable of more. You don't want to get into waddling in the mud w/pigs...if you get my meaning.

I think you somehow feel that this whole mess has defiled your love. Do you understand what love is? IF your BF loved you, why would he not give you decency of speaking with you BEFORE he plotted his exit? I know what you and he would say: he's been hurt in the past, blah, blah, blah. In order to REALLY and TRULY love someone, you have to be in the emotional place to welcome them through your vulnerablity. He hasn't if he is still blaming past exes for his behaviour. That means he wasn't ready for commitment. I'll use that word again - bc the love you speak of sounds beautiful - you are finding out that his love was not committed. If he feels the love you feel, why would he not want to see the "proof" of your infidelity? Why would he not want to hear your side? What you are doing is RIGHT - to fight for your love is noble. But your love is unrequited...bc your BF is not fighting for you. He is not noble.

You can find another love - there is not one for one life. I know, I have loved deeply and truly 3x times in my life. Should my husband and I ever part ways, I know I could find deep love again - bc I know I am emotionally healthy and I understand healthy r/ships.

You know you didn't cheat. You know that this is false. If your BF wanted to know that, he would have spoken w/your x-boss himself. He didn't. He doesn't. As you said, he left you with an empty house you can't afford. Why did he do it? You may never know. What did he get out of it? Do you really need to ask!?! You said it yourself...he got a beautiful love, companionship, two loving boys to play with and help. None of that has changed. Does he want to commit himself to that? Maybe not. Maybe he's scared. If he hasn't healed from past r/ships, it may well be he isn't emotionally healthy enough to face his fears for you. It may be that he isn't emotionally healthy enough to want what you want.

Good luck...bright blessings and I hope you find a way to have a great holiday season anyway!

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 11:01pm

PLEASE BE CAREFUL. Do not confront her without witnesses, or you may find yourself charged with assault.

Please!

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 1:55pm

I'm kind of worried about her. I hope she's okay!

Ashley

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 2:34pm

Thanks for all the warnings and good advice. The showdown at work didn't happen. The ex SIL left early for lunch and my old boss didn't want anything to disrupt business after she got back. I was going to wait for her when she got off work but my boys needed me. It's an almost 2 hour drive. So I decided to go home and plan to confront her another day. But before that, I wanted to talk to my former fiance and ask him again to speak with my old boss.

He called her. He asked her for the truth. He was told the truth. He heard from my former boss that everything he was told by his SIL was fabricated (to put it nicely). I never cheated, I never lied. SIL lied. I still don't know the motivation, but I don't care. I only wanted him to know the truth.

I was on the road, almost home at 5pm. I decided to call and speak with the SIL. See what she has to say for herself. She didn't know HE spoke with the boss, she didn't know I spoke with the boss. She denied everything. She never said anything negative to the family about me, my history at work, nothing. She actually tried to blame it on my fiance and say that he was constantly "fishing" for info and quizzing her about who I used to work with and what some of their names were. Whatever, it doesn't matter. She said she never meant for anything to happen to us, it was all just a big misunderstanding.

So he called me later last night. I was cool, I was curt, I asked if he had spoken with the former boss. He said yes, he knows now that SIL lied. I said finally. He said he had been trying to call SIL but it kept going to voicemail, he couldn't understand why she wasn't answering the phone. I said "She answered when I called her." He said "You talked to her???" I told him she denied everything. She blamed him.....he had doubts, he was fishing, he made it up. He got quite upset from that revelation.

We talked. I told him I have been hurt so badly, so cruelly and and it scares me to think that the man that I love could be capable of this. He said he was hurt too. He felt bad about leaving, but he had been convinced by all the negative opinions and all the lies from his family, he really thought I was going to hurt him like the other women had. Again, I told him counseling is the only thing that will help him with his trust issues, help us to start to heal.

I told him how much I missed him, wanted him back home. But I was still hurting so bad and it will take time for me to build up my trust in him. How could I ask him to come home if at the first little doubt, the first negative comment from his family...he runs away, leaving me again? We talked about him coming over, spending the night. But he knew my mom was here and boy, did she have some words she wanted to say to him. He asked me if I would come to his apartment. I said yes. He gave me directions.

Seeing him there, in his little apartment with his belongings still scattered around the front room hurt me deeply. We were living separately and it just broke my heart all over again. I couldn't look him in the eyes. He held me and we snuggled on his chair without saying a word for a long time. He told me loved me. He told me he was sorry. He told me we still have some issues to get through. After a while, I got up and told him I had to leave. I was in so much pain and until we see a professional, until we see a counselor, the pain will continue. I told him I have poured my heart out to him, I've said everything I can say. I've done everything I can do. I proved that I didn't cheat. Whatever issues we still have, the next step is his. I looked him in my eyes (finally) and told him to call me once he's made an appointment for us.

He grabbed me and hugged me and I broke down and cried. I said "this hurts so bad..." and he said "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." He wanted me to stay, but I couldn't. I grabbed my purse, my keys and I told him I hoped to hear from him soon. I walked to the door, turned and said "have a good day at work tomorrow," he said "you too."

That's where we stand now. It could still go either way, I'm aware of that. He could stall, not make the effort, not come home, not get past his issues. But I know now, they are his issues. I don't have those lies hanging over me, drowning me. If he's not strong enough to fight with me for our love, I know I can't fight alone.

Thank you again for all your support. iVillage is the best community on the web!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 3:09pm
Sophie
I dont want to start a war and get reported on this board, but I have to say it's becoming clear how you got yourself in this situation in the first place.. ended up with a man like this and moved cross country, I mean.
You are a naive trusting soul, and with all due respect, I have to say that your judgement is severely impaired. How can you trust that what you bf told you was true and the SIL wasnt telling you the truth? In any case, your life is your business and this will be my last post to this thread because my heart is actually breaking here. I want to end saying this: this is not the end of this story. This man will likely cause you much more heartache. Take everyone's advice and end it here, and remove yourself from him. You can still save yourself. The next time he would have done alot more damage.
best wishes.


Edited 12/19/2006 3:10 pm ET by ingie2004

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