He left me just now.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
He left me just now.....
97
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:58pm

I'm new here. I joined a couple weeks ago to read about other people's problems with their ILs and tell myself that our problems weren't really that bad and we'd get through it all. My hands are shaking so bad and I'm about to lose it. Please help.

Four weeks ago, the Love of my life asked me if I cheated on him. I swear to you all just as I swore to him that I never have. He told me his family doesn't like me, so there must be something wrong with me. They've gotten along with his other girlfriends and wives even though they were scheming horrible women who took advantage of him, lied to him, cheated on him and ruined his life and credit. I love him so much because he has such a beautiful heart and I knew we would make this work. I would never hurt him, not in a million years.

They are telling him about horrible comments I've made that I have no recollection of. They are telling him that I've cheated with several men and they have "proof." When I proved that their "proof" was based on lies, he still chose to believe them, stating that they have his best interests at heart.

We've been together for over 16 months now, living together since January. We're both 32. I have four children whom he has loved and bonded with and they have loved him just as much. He came home tonight with his three brothers and a friend and moved every possession of his out and into a truck. My children and I sat on the stairs and cried.

I love him so much, we have such a wonderful life here. I left my job and family in Indy to move to Louisville, KY when he got a promotion this summer. We bought a house, a new car for him to work from, the kids love their new school....and he's gone. I have no one.

No, that's not right...I have my children and they have me....I've told them that quite a few times tonight already. Please help me. I know other couples have problems with ILs that are so much worse. I've read all the posts, I know. He says he loves me but he says he can't be torn between me and his family. He says I make him happy, happier than he's ever been. But if they don't like me, there's got to be good reason. I've tried to get along with them, really I have. We just don't have that much in common and I feel left out of every family gathering. Then they say I come off as a snob and they think I feel I'm better than them.

Can it really just come down to that? They don't like me....so it's over? Please. Please help me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 8:45pm

Whew! I am relieved that it went so well, even though your heart is still aching. Your head is speaking, make your heart follow.

Good for you, resisting his attempts to soften you up with sex.

Please, Please, PLEASE hold firm to that counseling requirement. Not only for your sake but, of course, the kids.

And I'm glad to hear you say that you cannot fix his issues. So many women screw themselves up trying that.

I'm pulling for you, stay strong and do the long-term right thing!

{{{{hugs}}}}

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 12:27pm

oh Sophie...he will have these issues for the rest of his life. It's not you and you do not have to jump through hoops to prove anything to him. He trusts his family and not you thus he does not love you...in fact he does not know how to love. He didn't care enough about you or the kids to keep your business within your family and handle it there.
Cheating is not just about sex it's about taking your personal life outside your marriage and that is what he's done. He's actually cheated on you by bringing your problems to them.

You deserve better and with four kids you must be super scared. Look for a women's organization in your area who may be able to help you with things until you can get on your feet again...and you will. :)

All my prayers..
-M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 9:32pm

Sophie,


I have been reading this thread and holding my tongue. I don't want to rumble with you, but GIRL please MOVE ON. This man believed LIES about you. Left you and your babies. You were talking bankruptcy. Where is the love? Where is the trust? Your selfesteem and heart are breaking right now. He doesnt deserve your love, and doesn't sound ready for it. To up and leave you like this over a stupid lie that could have been squashed really quick is just not cool. Please, for the sake of teaching your little ones about a healthy relationship, move on and get your life together without this man. I realize you love him, I know what's it like to wake up one day and have your life and dreams pulled out from under you in a flash. It sucks. But I also know what's it like to become a stronger woman from it. You can survive without this onesided love, and it sounds onesided, because someone who loves you like he says he does wouldn't up and leave you over some stupid rumor.


I know you are hurting. I am praying for you. But think twice, cause there is nothing stopping him from up and leaving again over something else just as stupid. What a waste.


Liz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 10:30pm

I know. I'm getting it. This is so hard. It hurts so much.

It's Wednesday night. I'm alone. My mother left with my kids a couple hours ago. They're going to spend the next four days with her and my ex-husband. I'm so lonely here. I miss him so much. I need him. It's just that simple. He was the love of my life.

I miss my children. But I feel they needed a diversion, they've seen me break down and cry so much these past two weeks.

When something beautiful starts to die, the natural human response is to save it. Heal it somehow. Make it right again, make it strong. But I know I can't do that on my own. He has killed my trust, he has broken my heart and he has crushed my spirit. It hurts so bad. This man that I love, this perfect person who made me so happy, who shared with me and grew with me and laughed with me has turned into a hideous monster. I want to believe that it wasn't him, it wasn't his fault, but it was really and truly him. He left me. He destroyed me.

I'm getting it. And it hurts so bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 11:04am

Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukka and a Festive Kwanza. If you are involved in some sort of an in-law crisis right now, remember this too shall pass.

We women who are not heard, not understood, not appreciated, not respected by these people must refuse to let it tear us down. Whatever love, whatever committment, whatever happiness you enjoy in your marriage/relationship, hold onto that. Don't give up.

We are delicate flowers and at the same time we are fierce defenders of our love. Whatever in-law issues you face this beautiful holiday, may the joy and peace of Christmas surround you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 10:00pm

How is everything going with you and your family?

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 11:50pm

Thanks for asking. My children are home, I missed them so much. We just finished It's a Wonderful Life on TV and I boo-hooed (surprise!) like a baby. I love that movie.

My fiance and I have talked more and he has agreed (again!) to counseling. I told him this next step was something he had to do...call, make the appointment and let me know when it was. I was committed to making this work, but I can't and won't do it alone.

He tells me he loves me, wants to be with me, wants to be a family again. He tells me I made him the happiest he's ever been, our relationship is the best, most fulfilling one he's ever been in. I feel and have felt the same way. We belong together. He said he understands that. These issues with his family and his trust are issues that we will work through. I was betrayed, lied to, hurt beyond belief and my children have been through hell. But I know and I believe that we will get through this.

There are some couples with bigger issues, worse problems and a longer road to travel. I know of infidelity, gambling addictions, drug problems, mental illness....problems and obstacles that make loving someone difficult. Loving my fiance is not and has never been difficult. We will get through this.

I'll update again once the counseling has begun. Again, Merry Christmas.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 9:17am

Thanks for the update!


I hope that everything works out well, and you're right, many couples have a longer, harder road to travel.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 1:05pm

Wow, what a morning! Yes, my children had presents to open. A very kind, compassionate neighbor of mine nominated our family for "Operation Santa Claus." I got a call last week and was told to come by a local church/charity organization to pick up a FEW gifts. When I got there, my heart broke all over again. They had my four children's ages and names and likes and sizes and they put aside several gifts for them. It was amazing. J. got a remote-controlled car, the only thing he said he wanted, G. got a PS2 football game, although now the PS2 player is acting up and won't play...but oh well, we'll figure out what's wrong with that later. P. got a Hulk action figure and S., my little girl, got a baby stroller, a couple teddy bears, a Disney Princess activity game and a Barbie Fairytopia movie. She turns 5 in FOUR DAYS! Those gifts, along with a few from me and a few from the parents of the neighborhood kids that they are friends with made this an amazing Christmas. Especially since when they left Wednesday, there was nothing really under the tree.

They are asking about HIM, when he's coming home, when they'll see him again, where he is. I haven't seen him or heard from him since Saturday morning. Whenever he shows his face again or decides to call me/us, we'll deal with that when it happens. Today is Christmas and I have four beautiful, happy, healthy children. That's all I need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 7:12pm

That's wonderful that you all had a great Christmas!

 

 

 

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