He left me just now.....
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| Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:58pm |
I'm new here. I joined a couple weeks ago to read about other people's problems with their ILs and tell myself that our problems weren't really that bad and we'd get through it all. My hands are shaking so bad and I'm about to lose it. Please help.
Four weeks ago, the Love of my life asked me if I cheated on him. I swear to you all just as I swore to him that I never have. He told me his family doesn't like me, so there must be something wrong with me. They've gotten along with his other girlfriends and wives even though they were scheming horrible women who took advantage of him, lied to him, cheated on him and ruined his life and credit. I love him so much because he has such a beautiful heart and I knew we would make this work. I would never hurt him, not in a million years.
They are telling him about horrible comments I've made that I have no recollection of. They are telling him that I've cheated with several men and they have "proof." When I proved that their "proof" was based on lies, he still chose to believe them, stating that they have his best interests at heart.
We've been together for over 16 months now, living together since January. We're both 32. I have four children whom he has loved and bonded with and they have loved him just as much. He came home tonight with his three brothers and a friend and moved every possession of his out and into a truck. My children and I sat on the stairs and cried.
I love him so much, we have such a wonderful life here. I left my job and family in Indy to move to Louisville, KY when he got a promotion this summer. We bought a house, a new car for him to work from, the kids love their new school....and he's gone. I have no one.
No, that's not right...I have my children and they have me....I've told them that quite a few times tonight already. Please help me. I know other couples have problems with ILs that are so much worse. I've read all the posts, I know. He says he loves me but he says he can't be torn between me and his family. He says I make him happy, happier than he's ever been. But if they don't like me, there's got to be good reason. I've tried to get along with them, really I have. We just don't have that much in common and I feel left out of every family gathering. Then they say I come off as a snob and they think I feel I'm better than them.
Can it really just come down to that? They don't like me....so it's over? Please. Please help me.

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That is great that your neighbors care enough to think of you and your family and get you and your family some gifts for Christmas!! That is soooo awesome!
I'm glad that you had a Merry Christmas with your family!
Edited 12/26/2006 7:58 pm ET by cl-stretch123
We haven't heard from you in a while, just wondering how things are going?
I really wanted to be able to update this week and give everyone the great news that things are going well, counseling had started and he was coming back home. But that's not my reality.
I saw him on Tuesday, the day after Christmas. He said he didn't call on Christmas Eve or Day because his phone had died while at his mother's house and since the idiot can't committ my new number (that I got in Sept) to memory, no call. I was upset that he didn't make the effort to at least call the kids, but he just shrugged his shoulders. "Sorrrrrry...!"
He told me he made the decision to come home, to be with me, he informed his family, they told him it was a mistake, but he was willing to go to counseling and he told them to let us try to work things out. We talked, he said all the same things he had said before....he felt he couldn't trust me, he wasn't sure who was telling the truth, me or his family, he wanted to believe me, but they had some "really good points" and it was hard for him to feel so divided. I told him I was trying to understand. Counseling is the only chance we have to get at the bottom of these issues and make it through this mess. But I believed in us and I was willing to fight for us. He hugged me, said he wanted to fight for us, too and he loves me so much.....blah blah blah. He spent the night, more great "make-up" sex, The A-HOLE!!! He went to work the next morning and I haven't seen him since.
I waited for him all night Friday, he was supposed to pick me up and take me out to dinner. He stood me up, didn't answer his phone. I emailed him Sunday, we were supposed to go out for NYE. He wrote back...."sorry, I can't come home, I love you but I can't trust you. You call my family liars, and I can't get past that." That was it.
His mother and his brothers have told him god-knows-what, who knows if it's the same old crap or completely new sh!t, but they can say anything and it's gospel. They have brain-washed him and as much as he may want to be with me, he'll never be free of them. It's over. I'm giving up. He lost out on the best thing that has ever happened to him. He's the loser! Not me, not my kids, BUT HIM....that fat, demented, useless, twisted son-of-a-b!tch who will never find happiness as long as his head is stuck up his mother's a##.
(Sorry, that was just a little bit of well-deserved venting. I apologize to the CLs!)
My kids and I will be fine, better than fine. We'll be happy...far away from him and his sick family. I'm just so relieved we never succeeded in getting pregnant since we've been trying for a while. Can everyone give a great big sign of relief with me now.....AAAHHH! Yeah, dodged that bullet.
Take care, everyone. Much love and good wishes to all those still fighting the fight against those evil in-laws....our love wasn't strong enough to make it, but I hope yours is.
I'm so sorry that things turned out the way they did, Sophie.
{{{hugs}}}
Still wishing you and your kids the very best, hon.
ilve2read
Just another update. I'm feeling really good about myself today and just thought I'd share.
For any woman who is dating or knows someone who is...please check out "Don't Date Him Girl" dot com. It's so liberating! I have just posted my ex-fiance's profile on there and I hope to God that whatever sad soul he tries to trap in a relationship next has the forethought to check it out. Last name Burke, first name Derick. Feel free to check it out yourself!
He hasn't called or tried to contact me since last Sunday, NYE. I need money desperately and since he promised me he'd help me out, I wish I could get to him. But I won't. I'll just have to make do, avoid the collection calls as long as I can until the bankruptcy is filed. My boys still ask about him, they talk to me and we cry together when they need to. But I've told them that each day that goes by and Derick is still gone, it will hurt a little less and they will soon realize that they don't miss him at all.
The influence of evil-hearted MILs is one of the greatest threats to happiness and lasting love, in my opinion. How long would we have stayed together if his family had not interferred? How happy and content could he have been, years from now, seeing our grandchildren grow, retiring and moving to Florida, old and satisfied with a love like no other? He threw it all away. He'll never be happy, he'll never be content and he'll never find another woman who will love him as much as I did. He's a loser, plain and simple.
Sophie,
I am sending you huge hugs. I just stumbled across this long thread and feel for you so tremendously. I've been dealing with relationship problems, too, so I know how it seems like no one sees the good in your boyfriend and how no one can understand the pain. I hope that this time you have seen the light and will stick with it. Please do not take this loser back.
You don't know me from Adam, but there are a few things I hope you will do in your path to healing and getting your life back together. Please reread your posts. You have let this man back in your life several times, only for him to hurt you again. He may truly not mean to hurt you, but good intentions are not enough. You have literally gone to the ends of the earth to try to save this relationship. Not only has he not reciprocated, he has hurt you even more. Please see from your posts how you have sort of gone through denial into this feeling of sadness and lack of control, into finally now feeling like you are in control of your life. Please, please, please don't let your current feeling that you are in control of your destiny fade. Look at him for what he is -- a man you once loved and shared memorable times with who hurt you deeply and is not worthy of your attention.
Empower yourself, if not for your sake, for the sake of your kids. You sound like a woman who has things figured out financially and career-wise and then allows it all to get sidetracked by men. If you resign yourself to filing for bankruptcy and if you resign yourself to losing a lot financially over this, then he WILL have won. Go out and fight for what's rightfully yours. Yes, it's a pain in the butt and the hardest time to try to sell a house or a car is when you are in pain. Enlist friends and family to help. It is not fair to your kids to let this man take you to the cleaners.
I am an attorney, and I am honestly not sure what an attorney could do for you. But I do think it's something that's worth pursuing. I would call your local bar association and get a referral -- not necessarily for a bankruptcy attorney. Maybe a divorce attorney or someone who does civil claims. Meet with this person. If it's not a divorce attorney, then you might be able to meet free for the first time. (Divorce attorneys have to charge.) Within a short meeting, you should at least have an idea what your options are. If it's all in your name, then your only recourse may be against what he withdrew from the joint accounts, which belonged to both of you. And you're right, it might not be worth pursuing if he's spent it all. Someone also mentioned credit counseling, and that's a good idea. I would say that bankruptcy is a last resort and not the first thing to jump to.
I hope that you will get yourself and your kids in counseling this month. This is something that your family and your attorney or bankruptcy counselor cannot help you with, and something that you should not try to do alone. You may want to call your local United Way or Department of Health to see if there is free or sliding scale counseling available, if your health insurance does not cover it.
Don't forget the goodness in this world -- your mom, the people who gave your kids Christmas gifts, the people on this board who care. You will survive, you will be stronger, and you will be a better person for it all.
I know how you are hurting and that the road ahead looks scary. Try to spend a few minutes each day working towards your goals. You've already come a huge way in a month. Please keep working on it for yourself and your kids.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Be strong and don't let this creep back into your life. You deserve better, but as long as you are holding on to this loser, you will never be free to move on. Hugs.
P.S. - The comment about the Star Wars collection -- very funny! LOL.
Thank you so much for the incredible words of encouragement. I am convinced that this man and I will never be together again. Counseling would be great, but I don't have insurance right now and with the support of my mom and my friends, I'm doing alright. My children have spoken to the counselor at school, she's very sweet. I know I'll be okay. Without him. The shock of it all was what hurt the most. I really thought we were committed. I really thought that he loved me and trusted me and the things his family told him were so obviously untrue, he could see it. But I know I'm better without him and his issues. His heartlessness and cruelty were shocking! But it's over, I never have to worry about him hurting me again.
Thanks again!
It's good that you are trying to keep a sense of humor through all this! I'm glad your kids are seeing the school counselor. Maybe the counselor can recommend a counselor for you. You owe it to yourself and should not have to go through this without some professional support.
I've been going through tough times in a relationship, too, so I know how hard it is to move on and put any finality to things. Yes, there is that part of all of us that wants to beg someone to come back, even if we did nothing wrong and even if we know he is wrong for us. So I know how hard that is. But you're right, at some point enough is enough. I'm glad you've put your foot down and am glad that your mom is being supportive. Give your kids lots of love and every day is part of a wonderful new beginning for you.
I hope that you don't become jaded but always keep your eyes open. Let yourself breathe a huge sigh of relief that he is gone.
Hugs to you, and please keep everyone posted.
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