Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Help
10
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:36am
How do I get my husband to stop telling his parents every time we fight? He always involves them in our fights, I have asked him repeatedly not to do that b/c it's not right. They call me and tell me their feelings on the situation and I'm tired of it. He says he has no one else to talk to but that's not true. I talk to my sister about our problems and have even vented to my mom once or twice and they tell me what they think but they would never call him and tell him how they feel. That would make him uncomfortable and it does me the same way. When I tell him your mom called me today and let me have it about our fight, he laughs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2002
In reply to: jthinton
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:17pm
Two can play this game.

Next time you have an arguement, call your sister and your mother. Have them then call your DH and let him have it. Do this until he gets the hint.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jthinton
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:32pm
oh my god! i am shocked he does that and even more shocked his family thinks its ok to call u. well, i guess they would since ur husband is putting them right in the middle of ur personal relationship. how inappropriate. for him to then laugh when u bring up how uncomfortable it makes u tells me a couple of things. one, he is completely invalidating ur feelings, and two his maturity level sounds pretty low. see if u can search the web for a segment dr. phil did on it. he's usually right on the money about stuff. wish i could help but my initial reaction if my husband did that wouldnt be a constructive one.
Avatar for jennyfromdablock
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jthinton
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 3:27pm
Your DH sounds liek my DF. DF's family and I dont get along because DF doesnt knwo when to SHUT UP...After 9/11 DF and I had problems because we were stressed and working lomg hours in NYC, anyway I complained to my mom who keeps it to herself, he complained to his family who let me know there feelings and it caused problems and ever since then things have never been the same and we always fight. My advice is tell your DH to SHUT HIS MOUTH. He doesnt realize that he is making your realtionship with his family strained which in affect strains your relationship with him. I am sending you HUGS. I knwo how you feel and I hope he will wise up before it gets worse!

HUSG

JEN

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jthinton
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 4:58pm
You have tried telling him to stop, but it is clear he will not. The sooner you learn to accept it, the easier things will be for you.

If anyone outside your marriage tries to tell you how to conduct it, you should tell them it is none of their business. Think up some answers and practice them. Do not argue the point with them, just tell them No. "What goes on in my marriage is my business and my husband's. I will not discuss it with you and have not asked for your advice." If they will not stop, then end the conversation. Hang up, or walk away. Remember that it is THEY who are being rude and interfering. Instead of giving them the respect due an elder, show them the door.

Why does your husband need his parent's help to control you? Is he overly interested in having the control? Or is there a serious problem in this marriage? If these are just little tiffs, and he feels the need to run to Mommy... well I hope he grows out of it pretty soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: jthinton
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 5:18pm
I agree!!! Just walk away or hang up on these rude people!!! Your marriage is NONE of their business. The first time they mention it to you again. Say "Hmmm, I'm sorry I don't recall asking you for advice about my marriage." When they respond, say, "I'm sorry, but I am not interested in your unsolicited advice." Or if they keep it up, "I am not interested in what you have to say." or "I don't think that what goes on between my husband and I is really any of your concern."

Of course, if they really tick you off...."It's just plain none of your business."

And the biggest thing is to make sure you leave the conversation after making these statements. Do not keep talking about it with them. You owe them NO explanation as to why you don't want their advice. It is your marriage and they should stay out of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: jthinton
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:37am
I also agree with the above posts that you need to put your in-laws in their "place" when they call you up to discuss YOUR marriage. I'm curious -do they give him any advice on what he needs to do to make the situation better? I am guessing they only "advise" you.

Anyways, you need to be polite but as firm as possible in making it clear to them that their advice and input is not needed, wanted, or even acceptable. But you also need to work on your husband and his needing to blab to them every time you have an argument or fight. Next time you start to argue, I would say something like, I'm not arguing about this with you, you're just going to betray me. Leave it there. If he asks what you mean, tell him you KNOW he will betray you by blabbing to his family. If he says he has no one else to talk to, then tell him, well, I guess you won't have much to talk about with them since I'm not going to give you the juice for your gossip. Leave it there. EVERY SINGLE TIME he starts (or you start) an argument, do this, or something like it. You don't have to walk away from him, just make it clear YOU are choosing not to fight. But you are REALLY choosing not to give him the juice.

I really feel this stems from your husband's need to be right, and his need to be justified in his "rightness." he knows his family will side with him. But he doesn't understand how this is slowly chipping away at the core trust in YOUR marriage. Just choose not to let it happen. We can't change how another person reacts or even acts, but we can choose how WE react and act. And this usually makes the other person change their actions.

Hope this helps. And that you and your husband can come to some kind of an agreement.

Check out my art quilts at: http://www.taneshataylor.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jthinton
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:42am
My inclination is to respond to in-laws by briefly saying, "Look, this is something that's between DH and me, and I'm sure you're aware that there are two sides to every story. We're going to have to work this out by ourselves." Then change the subject. Then tell DH you're mad about him bad-mouthing you to his family and that you're going to keep getting mad about it unless he cuts it out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: jthinton
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 2:11am
Hi there,

I really feel for you. This sounds like an uncomfortable situation, to say the least. I have mil problems and it would drive me crazy if dh went to his family and filled them in on our arguments. The arguments between you and your husband should remain between the two of you. I have confided in my family at times, but I don't do that anymore because it complicates things to drag other people into our relationship issues. Even though my family never addressed dh personally, I felt that it was best to do the communicating with my dh and not drag other family members into it. So I do my best to keep anything I say about our issues to a minimum or not say anything at all. I hope that your husband comes to the same realization that I did. The communication should be taking place between the two of you. The two of you should be doing the negotiating. Family should not be brought into it. I feel clearer about this now, but it did take me a while. Hope your husband comes around. Is there a way for the two of you to resolve arguments and negotiate so that he doesn't go to his family? He needs to be talking to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: jthinton
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 5:07am
In all honesty your just as wrong as your husband when you vent to your sister and your mother. they may not call your DH and give him the thrid degree, but you are taking your marriage problems OUTSIDE of your marrige too. We want to get on our DH's for going to their families about "our" private issuse but we as wivwes will do the same thing. It's not right either way. Marriage is between two people, if their is a problem to be discussed outside it should not be to a family member, they cannot be objective, and it causes more harm than good. Your mom and sis may very well have bad feelings about your DH now, and one day they will vent back either to him or you, and you won't like it. My dh and I had to learn this the hard way. Keep your relationship problems between you and your Dh. If he cannot keep quiet, don't discuss anything with him and tell him why.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: jthinton
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 3:34pm
Hi ithinton. Gosh, what a frustrating situation! I do agree with the posters who suggested telling the "mediators" that this is between you and DH.

Something I read elsewhere on this(?) board is to mention to your DH that everytime the "mediators" try to interfere, they are showing that they have no faith in his ability to handle an adult relationship in an adult manner but need Mommy/sissy/bubba to do it for him.

I wonder if you could add to the statement about the discussion being between you and DH, that you are surprised (or sorry?) that they don't consider him capable of working out his own relationships. Then don't say anything more other than to repeat that this is between you and DH or to end the conversation.

Good luck! and I wish you well.

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