Help! He's not on MY side!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Help! He's not on MY side!
13
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 2:54pm
My future mother-in-law is a nightmare. She's attached to her son and does not want to let go- especially not to me. She does everything she possibly can to cause a fight between me and my significant. The worst part is that he doesn't think she does anything wrong, constantly defends her, and has secret conversations with her. WHAT DO I DO? I can't make him see the light. Do I give up or give it time?

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 3:08pm

To quote a poster on another board I frequent, "Run like a citizen of Tokyo fleeing Godzilla."

I am serious. If he is doing this before you marry, what do you honestly think will happen afterward? If I could have a "do-over", I may have done things differently and chosen more wisely. You have the chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 3:14pm
Unfortunately its unlikely that he will ever be on your side. If this is how he is now, think what it will be like when your legally attached to him. Is this really something you want to put up with your whole life?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 5:48pm

You call off the wedding. You can't change him. You can't make him see her off of the pedistal he's put her on. It will NOT change. This is who he is and how he is and how she is. You accept reality, you live in reality. You don't ignore the truth smacking you in the face and hope it stops. You don't volunteer for this life and then complain about getting what you signed on for. It will start to effect your amount of respect for your (future) husband. You've got two choices here. You stay and accept this reality, and realize that you then forfit rights to be upset that you got what you knew you'd get. Or you accept reality and end the relationship to find a man who isn't his mommas boy.

Don't get an alligator if you want something that purrs in your lap, KWIM?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 10:45am
Hi, I too have the type of MIL that you describe. The thing that got my husband to see her as she is towards me is when she verbally attacked me in front of him, and I turned around and told him that its either her or me, he chose me, right in front of her. Granted yes he is afraid of his mom and will still side with her on alot of things, but when she hurts me he does stand up to her now because a good husband should always realize that family will always be there even when mad or hurt, but a wife/gf/fiancee will get sick of being second best and DOES have the choice of walking away. Give it time and hopefully he will realize whats important, old or new family Good luck! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 1:40pm

You are right. You can't make him see the light. And as long as he cleaves to his mother, he is not available for marriage. If you two are just dating then it is time to prepare yourself to move on. If you are engaged, give him back the ring. I suggest you be completely honest with him about why.

And I completely agree with this, from a previous poster:
"You don't volunteer for this life and then complain about getting what you signed on for."

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 1:59pm
It was great to hear from someone who completely understood my situation, that was great advice. Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 3:45pm
I post there too and LOVE that line.
Catrina now
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 3:48pm
RUN!!!! and don't look back!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 4:33pm
Hey ladies-its goddesskatiebelle just updating you guys in the situation with my Future mother in-law and my fiance----i had the discussion with him and told him how i feel that he admits to me that his mother is the most important woman in his life-we were out on a date-we went mini golfing after a really nice italian dinner-WHEN HIS PHONE RINGS!-it is his mother!-i was like i do not like being checked up on and interrupted on dates-i mean i left my phone in the car!-he just answeres his phone every time she calls because if he does not she will rip him a new one------and that pisses me off to no end-its like he will not stand up for anything-i told him that its nice that his mother is so nosy and stuff and just butts in all the time-he started yelling at me and getting a mean attitude and ignoring me and i was like, "I love it how you are always on my side, how we are on the same page and you let your mom walk all over you." Once again, he told me how i am being crazy and unreasonable and thats just how she is." And she is entirely too wrapped up in his business-she makes his phone calls and appointments for him and even had the nerve to tell me that i was going to have my hands full when i married him-(hint hint-he is going to do absolutely nothing once we are married and i better get used to doing it all like she does)----anyway-we just switched banks and he had not gotten his checks or new check card yet and she opens his mail, so she knew, and then called up the bank and told them and stuff-then she opened his life insurance policy (for which she is the beneficiary) and yelled and screamed that it was not the right amount and then woke him up before he had enough sleep to tell him about this and make him call the life insurance company before they closed-i was like what?????? i mean if we do end up staying together i think that i am in for some real heartbreak and sorrow in this marriage-i can see him wanting to put her in charge of our money (well, she already does his), and her being too involved in our lives-i told him this and i was like this is how it is-bottom line-you start telling her no or i will-i mean i love her to death, she has such a big heart but i was like is this an "US" or a "WE"? the 2 of us or the 3 of us--and since we are not legal yet, i can still leave if i have to----but when i told him all this hes like you know you dont mind and you fit in with us and crap like that-hes like youre being crazy and unreasonable-hes like we(my whole family) love you----i was like i feel so left out and stuff and he will often make fun of me to get his family laughing or something-i was like "i really feel loved when you make jokes at my expense to get your familys approval"-hes like its not that---is is just me or arent engaged couples supposed to be on the same "team"-i always feel like im the enemy or something-and i am not like them at all-his mom said opposites attract and i was like sometimes i think that we are TOO different---and his mother reminds me of this a lot-they are southern baptist, im catholic-hes an only child-i have 7 siblings, my parents are divorced, his are married 25 years, they are always telling me i need to change and convert and be like them and go to their doctors and do whatever they do----------i feel like i am not being loved for me-they say that they just love me and stuff, and they say that divorce is not an option, and all this stuff like that-i mean even stuff that is personal to me-i have gay siblings, and my mother is an alcoholic, and to them this is all a sin and they constantly let me know of this how its not right and how i need to change and crap-it just bothers me and i think i need to let go, but a part of me wants to work it out.....just some thoughts after a really rough last few weeks...........goddesskatiebelle


Edited 8/16/2006 4:36 pm ET by goddesskatiebelle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 9:54pm
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