Help with a malicious MIL please

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Help with a malicious MIL please
20
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 2:02pm
I'm new here and basically looking for some help for a situation that is completely out of control. My MIL.
I have an 18 month old son and my husband and I have been married for 3 years. Together for 6. I also have a 15 year old daughter.
Once upon a time my MIL was a great friend to me. Back before we were married and we spent every single weekend at her house. Once we married and bought a house and had a family of our own the trouble started. But, the big trouble started when my son was born. Ever since he was born she has intruded on our lives at every turn. The big problem that I face is that myson has medical issues and has a strict diet he must follow. When he doesn't he gets very ill. She refuses to follow the rules on this. Refuses...Like down right maliciously gives him stuff he can't have and when he gets sick she cries to my husband that she didn't know. And that she's so sorry. She has made comments to me such as "It's grandma's pergorative" and "grandma's don't have rules" both in front of my husband. Since the last episode 3 months ago I have broke contact with them. Refusing them to see my son. Which has been wonderful for me except that this past weekend my FIL went into a tyrant and cussed out my daughter on the phone (thinking she was me) and then my husband. My husbandis now telling me that I am the one that has caused the problems by not allowing them visits and that I have caused them so much pain. He can't deal with his mother being so upset and istaking my son for a visit this weekend. I have tried to explain that this will only allow her to think it's ok to be mean to me and the kids. And he says he understands that but will not allow me to torment his mother any longer.
When given the choice he have firmly stated that he is on his mother's side and willnot stand by me.
I am at a point where I believe my marriage is over. How can I not allow this women to ruin my marriage?

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:53pm

Andrae,


Ever hear of Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome? It's an illness where a person deliberately makes a child sick so they

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 1:31pm
My mother told me flat out that I am obligated to place my wife above ALL others, that includes both of my parents. If your husband can't do that, then he should be your ex-husband, and your parenting agreement should stipulate no unsupervised visits with his mother. Also that failure to follow the strict diet by is cause for charges to be filed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 8:44pm

It's simple. Be the opbjective adult. Bring a letter from your son's physician with the specifics of his dietary dangers. Bring your husband and son too. Take a nice trip to your MIL house.

Calmly explain your son's dietary dangers. Explain it in layamns terms. Leave the materials with her.

Once she has the info there will be no excuses. Your inlaws and your husband need to grow up and cut the dramatics.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 8:55pm

Just to let you know, that MByPS is being put under scrutiny. They have discredited the man who came up with the syndrome. There is going to be a huge backlash from this. Here is a site that has numerous links about what is happening since they have discredited him.

http://www.msbp.com/published_articles.htm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 7:51am

Iowadude,

Your mom deserves a standing ovation, seriously. I don't know why, but it seems like there are so few mothers who will tell their sons that their sons' families come first and not mom and dad. She raised you well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:01pm

I will pass that along.

I think she is absolutely right, your first duty is to your spouse, then to your children, and THEN to your extended family. An article I read also suggested that it is important to remember that when you have kids it is typical to put the kids first, this is a no-no, your spouse must come before the children in all things EXCEPT basic needs. There are very few exceptions to this.

Have a great holiday and don't let grandma have an inch.

Avatar for ribrit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2001
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 1:46pm

Reconsider the marriage being over. My son was dx'd with celiac disease and my MIL was trying to kill him basically. My son was just a baby. He was dx'd around 15 months old. I realized that even though I was miserable with dh, that if I left him, my MIL would have MORE access to my baby boy (who is 12 now). Despite what people think, you generally cannot just walk up to a judge and tell them what your MIL did and the judge will order limited visitation. Your dh possibly will get joint custody and I am betting that he will just let his mother take over during that time.

It is time to fight back. DO NOT give in on allowing her to see your son. Record phone conversations and keep a journal. Take your son to the ER if this ever happens again and make sure the doctor documents that the MIL gave him the stuff. Make sure your dh is present to tell the dr that. This way, when/if you do end up in court over a divorce or otherwise, you will have plenty of proof. For me, I presented this proof to my dh. He was mad that I had kept this stuff, but it made it so that he could no longer sit there and claim things were not happening that we not. Also, don't use "white wash" language that he probably uses. He might say she acccidentally gave him something out of love, it was a misunderstanding, and you say back that she purposefully tried to poisen him, kill him. Do not back down on the white wash language. And tell people. Don't put up a false facade. Next time FIL calls and says something like that, cut him off and call it for what it is, that he is supporting a child abuse (it is child abuse to do what she has beendoing) and that makes him one too and that you won't discuss it and hang up on him. I have also changed our number and told dh that his parents are not to have it.

One other thing that was going on that I had to put an end to was that dh was having all these lunches with MIL behind my back where they spent the entire time discussing how terrible I am. He never stood up for me. There is so much I have had to do over the years. But, I also had to stay with him, so that I could always be here to protect my son. My son is old enough now though, that I could leave and he could say no to visitation. Plus, MIL recently kidnapped SIL's child so with that on her record, I think I have more fuel to keep her from ds. I think that if MIL is kept from your baby, her obsession with him will wane as he gets older. 12 yr olds aren't as cute and if you don't already have some sort of relationship, that obsession is less likely to happen.

((((hugs)))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 3:16pm
Thank you all so much for all your help. First and foremost I wanted to let you know that I have reconsidered leaving the marriage and for the exact reason that ribrit stated. Who will protect my son if I am not there to do it. So, I have taken the stand, dug my heels in, and will not budge.
The good news is my husband has started to respect my decisions if for no other reason except he's worried I am taking his son away from him. (Although I already stated that is not my intentions, he does not know that)
First thing I did was show him in the bible where the man is to leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. That seemed to at lesat make him understand that God has asked this of him too.
Secondly, I followed the advice of an earlier poster (Sorry I don't remember the name) who suggested I make the list, laminate it, and put it on her fridge. :) This I did. And I made her understand in no uncertain terms that I KNEW that she would NEVER hurt William and that if she follows this list there would be no problems. If there are problems then that means that she deliberately and maliciously tried to hurt William. And that I would not tolerate that and she would never see him again if this was not followed. I have stated in no uncertain terms that I didn't care if she hated me she would respect the fact that I was Will's mother and that she would follow my guidelines. If not she would never again have access to him.
So, after awhile of this I left it in my husband's hands and explained that he would deal with her from this point forward. So far this has worked. we have seen them twice since the lastest episode and they havebeen respectful. Not NICE to me but respectful. And that I can live wiht. My husband has begun to back me more and things so far have been decent. We will see as the holiday's are fast approaching and that will be the true test.
I will never allow them access to Will when I am not present so they must get along with me to access my son. :)
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 3:59pm

Just be sure you keep documentation of EVERYTHING. Rude phone calls, disrespect of you, and anything in the past as well where they made your child ill on purpose. You may very well need it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 6:04pm

Woo hoo! You go girl!

Do document, though. Keep it in a safe place, just in case. Not in case of divorce, but in case MIL reverts.

Go Mama Bear!

May your happiness and partnership with your hubby continue and grow.

happy thanksgiving.

ilve2read

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