Here's a copy of the letter I sent to end the relationship with the inlaws

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Here's a copy of the letter I sent to end the relationship with the inlaws
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 1:17pm

Some things just have to be said and this is one of those things.

I've come to the resolve that I am not liked by you two and while I was hurt by that at first, now I see that it was not anything in my control.  I had been willing to keep the relationship on some type of minimal level for the sake of the families but unfortunately the strain and stress usually rears itself during what should be happy times - birthdays, holidays etc.

I have pushed for DH to make an effort to be a part of your family and he has tried - but it truly seems one sided.  I have mixed emotions about youngest son because as he is turning 10 years old next month, it pains me to see that not once have you two ever asked to spend time with him. 

I grew up with a grandmother that was very sweet.  She took me shopping and for ice cream and little toys every Saturday that I can remember.  Youngest son , lost his grandfather when he was only 4 months old and while my mom did get to spend lots of time with him in the last few years of her life, he has never really had that "go over to grandma's house or spend time with grandpa" and that is very painful for me to see.  Sadly, he and nephew refer to you as nephew's grandparents.  I'm sure you'd like to blame me for that (people usually are really good at making their own justifications) but there is no justification for the differences that you've made between our children and sil's.  DH and I tried so often to get you to see this, to talk to you about it etc. but nothing changes.  All we can assume is that you simply do not care.  But, all clouds have a silver lining and thankfully, you've shown me what not to do when I hopefully have grandchildren one day.

I truly had to laugh at the mere thought of you claiming right before Easter that we never include you guys in on anything.  We have been the only ones including you guys in, inviting you to visit us, having you over for dinner.  The times that DH went to Florida and stayed over to see you - he did it because I pushed him to.  The trips in the past that we've taken to visit you we did because I suggested it.  If my memory is correct, it was always me including you guys to go with us to the Festival or other outings.  Yet, I can't think of once that you've included me to do anything.  All the times that you came to town to visit before moving here.  Not once did you ever call up and ask to see sons.  And as for Thanksgiving, we had no idea what you guys were doing and our assumption was that you'd be doing something with sil/bil. Why is it that we are to blame.  Why didn't you guys call us and see what we were doing and share with us your plans.  We would have included you in our dinner but you chose to say nothing and to not even bring up the topic.  Yet it is somehow our fault.  At Christmas, I made sure to call sil to see if we could plan our holidays together.  Yet, surprisingly, no one even called us as they were heading out the door and on their way to the restaurant on Christmas Eve.  Talk about feeling left out and like we are not a part of the family. We show up and everyone including bil's family etc is seated and having a grand old time and we are sitting at the end of the table with people we barely know.   We see the facebook pictures of the outing for niece's bday and the celebration for bil's - nope our phone didn't ring.  Why would I rather have my family over?  It's not hard to guess - they have never and would never treat us this way. 

MIL, I could list all of the passive aggressive things you have done to me over the years, and to our family.
I know that you are a very wise lady and perhaps you can fool a lot of people but I know and God knows what your intentions were. 

I smile at the mere thought of all of them - you are a clever lady.  But, all you've done is hurt yourself. 

While I have put off saying anything - I knew the time would come when you would need to hear how I felt and why there wouldn't be any future contact between us.  That's the thing that needed to be said.  I should have said it publicly after my mom died.  Have you told everyone how you thought so much of your son and his family that you never once called me during the time my mom was dying and not once after she died.  I'm guessing you didn't share that tidbit of information - did you?  How do you think people would see you then?  Would those same people feel the need to invite you to their home for Thanksgiving?  Whatever your justification is - it is unacceptable.  You managed to drive from Florida and spend days/weeks with sil after best friend's daughter died - yet, I'm not even deserving of a card or a phone call - text message or email.  Well, you showed  me - and what I learned was just how passive aggressive you could really be. 

My goal is not to upset you or to be upset any further.  However, until this is said, the expectation would be to go along to get along and I am unable to do that and live happily ever after.  I welcome you to do whatever you need to do to maintain a relationship with dh and older sons.  However, while the choice is there's don't expect that they would be so willing to cater to you guys. Remember, you are the same grandparents that took in nephew and niece for summers on end and when asked to let our two boys come together for a week - you simply said - that would be too much for you.  I guess, what goes around comes around.  As for youngest son and I - while we've gained nothing - I guess we lose nothing.

I can't speak about DH and the dinner plans.  I'm copying him, but I've also discussed with him that we would not be going and why and how I felt and that I would need to get this out in the open once and for all.  Please do not come to the house or office at any time.  If you wish to see DH, you can work that out with him and vice versa.