Here's a copy of the letter I sent to end the relationship with the inlaws

Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008
Here's a copy of the letter I sent to end the relationship with the inlaws
12
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 1:17pm

Some things just have to be said and this is one of those things.

I've come to the resolve that I am not liked by you two and while I was hurt by that at first, now I see that it was not anything in my control.  I had been willing to keep the relationship on some type of minimal level for the sake of the families but unfortunately the strain and stress usually rears itself during what should be happy times - birthdays, holidays etc.

I have pushed for DH to make an effort to be a part of your family and he has tried - but it truly seems one sided.  I have mixed emotions about youngest son because as he is turning 10 years old next month, it pains me to see that not once have you two ever asked to spend time with him. 

I grew up with a grandmother that was very sweet.  She took me shopping and for ice cream and little toys every Saturday that I can remember.  Youngest son , lost his grandfather when he was only 4 months old and while my mom did get to spend lots of time with him in the last few years of her life, he has never really had that "go over to grandma's house or spend time with grandpa" and that is very painful for me to see.  Sadly, he and nephew refer to you as nephew's grandparents.  I'm sure you'd like to blame me for that (people usually are really good at making their own justifications) but there is no justification for the differences that you've made between our children and sil's.  DH and I tried so often to get you to see this, to talk to you about it etc. but nothing changes.  All we can assume is that you simply do not care.  But, all clouds have a silver lining and thankfully, you've shown me what not to do when I hopefully have grandchildren one day.

I truly had to laugh at the mere thought of you claiming right before Easter that we never include you guys in on anything.  We have been the only ones including you guys in, inviting you to visit us, having you over for dinner.  The times that DH went to Florida and stayed over to see you - he did it because I pushed him to.  The trips in the past that we've taken to visit you we did because I suggested it.  If my memory is correct, it was always me including you guys to go with us to the Festival or other outings.  Yet, I can't think of once that you've included me to do anything.  All the times that you came to town to visit before moving here.  Not once did you ever call up and ask to see sons.  And as for Thanksgiving, we had no idea what you guys were doing and our assumption was that you'd be doing something with sil/bil. Why is it that we are to blame.  Why didn't you guys call us and see what we were doing and share with us your plans.  We would have included you in our dinner but you chose to say nothing and to not even bring up the topic.  Yet it is somehow our fault.  At Christmas, I made sure to call sil to see if we could plan our holidays together.  Yet, surprisingly, no one even called us as they were heading out the door and on their way to the restaurant on Christmas Eve.  Talk about feeling left out and like we are not a part of the family. We show up and everyone including bil's family etc is seated and having a grand old time and we are sitting at the end of the table with people we barely know.   We see the facebook pictures of the outing for niece's bday and the celebration for bil's - nope our phone didn't ring.  Why would I rather have my family over?  It's not hard to guess - they have never and would never treat us this way. 



MIL, I could list all of the passive aggressive things you have done to me over the years, and to our family.
I know that you are a very wise lady and perhaps you can fool a lot of people but I know and God knows what your intentions were. 

I smile at the mere thought of all of them - you are a clever lady.  But, all you've done is hurt yourself. 

While I have put off saying anything - I knew the time would come when you would need to hear how I felt and why there wouldn't be any future contact between us.  That's the thing that needed to be said.  I should have said it publicly after my mom died.  Have you told everyone how you thought so much of your son and his family that you never once called me during the time my mom was dying and not once after she died.  I'm guessing you didn't share that tidbit of information - did you?  How do you think people would see you then?  Would those same people feel the need to invite you to their home for Thanksgiving?  Whatever your justification is - it is unacceptable.  You managed to drive from Florida and spend days/weeks with sil after best friend's daughter died - yet, I'm not even deserving of a card or a phone call - text message or email.  Well, you showed  me - and what I learned was just how passive aggressive you could really be. 

My goal is not to upset you or to be upset any further.  However, until this is said, the expectation would be to go along to get along and I am unable to do that and live happily ever after.  I welcome you to do whatever you need to do to maintain a relationship with dh and older sons.  However, while the choice is there's don't expect that they would be so willing to cater to you guys. Remember, you are the same grandparents that took in nephew and niece for summers on end and when asked to let our two boys come together for a week - you simply said - that would be too much for you.  I guess, what goes around comes around.  As for youngest son and I - while we've gained nothing - I guess we lose nothing.

I can't speak about DH and the dinner plans.  I'm copying him, but I've also discussed with him that we would not be going and why and how I felt and that I would need to get this out in the open once and for all.  Please do not come to the house or office at any time.  If you wish to see DH, you can work that out with him and vice versa. 

Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008

Hi,

 

I just sent a reply on what your wrote to Cognitive and then I saw that you responded to what I sent to my mil in a letter.  Thanks for the confirmation!

 

When you have time - I'd love to hear what brought you to the board...maybe you could start a new topic for us?

 

Thanks and have a great holiday weekend.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004

I hope you feel better now.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004

I am glad you were strong enough to be able to make yourself and family better.  I am very glad your dh supports you in the way you wanted to handle it. 

As for the method, I agree with the others in that on their end it may be used as a tool to manipulate. *IF* they tell anyone about the letter they will spin it to their advantage.  I am wondering if they will just keep it to themselves.  In the end that is okay and I can see you are okay with that.  From your p.o.v. you are done so who cares what they do with it.  I agree.

As for the bil and sil - I would consider their relationship with myself and family seperate. I would not discuss mil, the letter or any of it with them.  It is none of their business basically. They could chose to have a relationship with us or not.

I am happy you feel relief. 

Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008

I don't know a lot - but one thing I am 100% certain of is that mil will never start inviting me to anything.  Here's what will happen - she will play the victim - tell everyone she knows how horrible I am (never once address the things said) and she may make a tiny effort to contact my older two children. I've accepted that and am okay with it.

 

Right now, DH has not even attempted to call them since the birthday voice messages.  I believe his dad will try and make contact with him at some point (and his sister) and they may be able to reach some kind of understanding but my cutoff from them is absolute.

 

The only thing that will ever change our current situation is   if MIL states to me, to sil, to fil and to dh the things that she has done and offers an apology.  I know that will NEVER happen.

 

DH has been good to defend me in conflict.  If he does visit them and spend time with them - there will never be any throwing me under the bus by DH...I do believe that.

 

I honestly wish that it could have been different.  I never entered into this relationship or any relationship expecting for it to be like this.  But, I can also say that no one has ever upset me and had such a negative impact on my psyche like this family has.  But, DH and I have been together for 27 years...he and I are not breaking up over this. 

I have dogs (love my dogs as I'm a huge animal lover and wish I could win the lottery and open up an animal shelter/rescue for dogs/cats and other family animals).  But, recently, two of my male dogs have decided to fight in aggression.  It is a dominance thing that I didn't understand about owning 5 dogs.  Now I do.  But, one of them is going to get hurt - seriously hurt if they aren't separated permanently.  Right now we are trying to keep them apart but realistically that isn't possible in the long term.  As a person who loves dogs, I have to make a "sophie's choice with regards to them."  I can't let one of them get hurt maybe killed because I didn't act.

So, I have the one that is less suited to our property and our family lifestyle up for adoption.  It's the responsible thing to do even though it is a hard choice.

 

Now, I'm not saying that my MIL and I are going to hurt each other physically like the dogs if we don't separate but the relationship is such that it has effected my health, her health, and my marriage.  The responsible thing to do is what I did.  I hope this makes sense.

 

 

Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008

I agree - she will always be a presence in that she is DH's mom.  But, the control she had over my psyche was in my own failure to speak my mind to her.  I think that people so often harbor resentment and anger because they are unable to stand up for what is important to them - what they believe in.

 

I know that I can't make them love/treat my kids like I feel that grandparents should.  I know that they have their own reasons for not liking me (like I have mine for not liking them).  I don't think it started out like this - but it is what it is and I'm comfortable with that. 

As far as my own family goes - I believe in my heart that I have an obligation to stand up for what is right.  To show them that it is okay to stand up and say that something isn't fair that it needs to be changed that someone isn't treating them right.  And, ultimately say that no matter who you are, if you treat me in a way that I think is wrong then I will not allow you access to my life. 

 

Why are we all so afraid to say what we really feel and to say how someone's actions are hurting us?  Most of us would probably say that the relationship between ourselves and our inlaws is the hardest to deal with - causes us the most stress and anger and at some points makes us feel ill - sick to be around, nervous - it actually jeopardizes are relationships with our spouse (our children's parents). 

 

I don't wish his parents any harm or want something bad to happen to them and if my kids decide to pursue a relationship with them then I will respect that.  I know deep down it will be all one sided and that they will figure this out on their own. 

 

You know how we all say - when we die we don't want to have any regrets....well, I have only a couple of regrets that needed to be resolved and they all had to do with his parents treatment of myself, my husband and kids.  I had those regrets because I was afraid to stand up and say what needed to be said and take action.  Now, I feel that I can put those regrets behind me. 

 

 

Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008

Sultan,

That's the funny thing about this letter - I too had written letters in my mind, had conversations, written and deleted stuff but this time, there was no shaking or second guessing nothing.  You know how when you click the "send" button and then you have this moment of doubt - fear whatever....nothing this time.  I wrote the letter in minutes.  It just felt right and to be honest I have thought for a second that I shouldn't have.  The words were right (for me) the timing was right (for me) and I am so very glad that I did it when I did.  That, I waited this amount of time and struggled and had the support of this group and friends to know what I needed to do.

 

It just wasn't in me to be mean.  Someone wrote on here once about how much they detested hugging their mil and that they were always put in a position.  I felt the same way.  But, my personality wouldn't have ever allowed me to just push her away.

 

I kind of feel like July 24th was my Independence Day (I know...sappy).  But, it feels so good to call these people out on the way they've behaved over the last decade.  Dh and I even chated a bit today (we work together) and he continues to open up to me about his child hood.  Please understand, his parents were molestors or physical abusers, they weren't drug dealers or alcoholics.  They had a nice home and lots of luxuries and probably were the "rockwell" of the family portrait.  But the way they treated him over the sister, the way the grandmother treated the mother over her son...the dysfunction was damaging.  No, it isn't life altering, gut wrenching meanness, but it was very damaging. 

 

Honestly, I'm so much more at peace with this now....I wish I had spoken my mind years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

I hope the letter brings you some peace or at least makes you feel better for having spoken what you feel.

I "worry" that your MIL will use it as yet another way to be passive/aggressive and will start inviting you to EVERYTHING and wanting your kids there all the time...more than the kids want to be there...and when it doesn't all go delightfully well, she can blame you because after all, she will say, she tried! 

Good luck to you!  Hopefully your DH will stick up for you when he's around them and not let them undermine you to him! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010

I'm glad you got that off of your chest Summer. I hope it felt good!

But I hope you realize that relationships can't be erased/ended. Her presence in your lives/psyche will remain regardless of whether or not she is physically there because she is your husband's mother. I would urge you to strengthen your family/their thoughts/expectations and waste no more time/energy on this horrible grandparents. You can't make them love/treat your kids equally. You just can't - no matter how much you want to.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Let us know if they respond.

Good luck.