How do I deal with a negative mother and the pressure to have her live with me?
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|Thu, 08-16-2012 - 11:05am|
Hi friends: I am originally from India and my mother lives in an assisted living facility in India while l I stay on the east coast of USA. I have been visiting mom every year for at least 10 days and stayed with her in the facility. She is generally happy there but is 75 years old. If she is in good health and has no Alzheimer's etc, she is ok there. But she will be in deep trouble if she falls seriously ill - good hospitals are far away and somebody has to supervise her care.
Now my extended family are asking me when am I taking mom back with me to America. Generally speaking in our culture, the parents stay with their son as they age. Now my brother (DB) does not want to be proactive and move her to his house while she is still in good health. DB and his wife (my SIL) have old issues with mom and are not at all keen on mom as a permanent fixture in their house.
That leaves me. I am also not keen because mom can say mean things and she is also a pessimist and can drag my spirits down with her conversation - no doubt DB and SIL hate all this too in addition to some fights they had a long time ago. I am really nervous about mom living with me permanently. When I was growing up, mom would always compare me to others and point out my faults and I don't remember her being maternal at all. (However, I can somehow bite my tongue and put up with mom because I know she cannot live alone indefinitely in the facility. )
So what do I tell my relatives who insist on knowing "our plans for mom?" There is no plan and I keep telling them mom is happy in the facility. Today I got a lecture from an aunt that I have to be responsible etc etc and ultimately, children have to care for their parents.
So my questions are:
1)Shall I just tell these relatives a lie that mom is moving to USA in 2013? At least that will end their lectures for now. But when 2013 comes, I've to do something but what?
2) Did any of you have in-laws/parents glued to your lives? Wherever you went, did you take them also? If mom lives with me and we go on vacation, we have to take her with us. She will grumble about not getting proper food/being cold/nothing on TV/why DB does not call her etc etc- I can overcome these problems but wanted to give you an idea of her grumpiness.
Thanks so much,