Husbands problems, My problems, HIS fam

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Registered: 03-16-2007
Husbands problems, My problems, HIS fam
15
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 10:31pm

Okay, I am at a complete loss here with my DH and his family. First of all, I know I/we should be seeing a marriage counselor for all our problems but DH doesn't feel the need to. And he is the one with bigger issues then myself. I didn't even see how deep things were with him and inl's until after we were married. His problems start from his childhood, things that I could never help him with. Although he won't ever talk about any of it with me, I can see some of the problems and have heard from other family members about what went on.

Well first of all, DH brother, and the oldest, has been the light and shinning armour in fil's eyes ever since he was born. When they had their 2nd (my DH), they were so upset that he wasn't a girl. I've heard stories how is mother wouldn't even take care of him because she was too depressed. Anyway, his brother always got, and still does, get the special treatment from his parent's, mainly father, and they treat him like he doesn't exist. DH literally tries so hard to be like his brother just to get his dad's attention. And it is so clear that his mother has made him feel guilty his whole life for not being a girl and constantly makes him feel like he should make it up to her until the day she dies. His mother constantly let her two sons grow up around the WORST "role models" anyone could let their child be around. His parents' only close friends were drunks, druggies, and turned out to be pedafiles. I can only imagine things that might have gone on with my DH around these people. I've tried asking, but he acts like nothing bad happened and won't talk about it anymore. And maybe nothing did, the truth is I don't really know, but I know my DH has pain and problems and just holds it all inside. By the time he was a freshman in h.s. he spent every weekend drinking with older friends that could buy for him. And then eventually turned into what looked like an alcohaulic. He doesn't drink hardly at all now, due to his job, and I guess I had some to do with it. And just all the things I hear about how he was treated as a child...he is brainwashed!!! His mother did a number on him.

Then I got pregnant, and we found out we were having a girl. INL'S acted, and acts, psychotic about it. They have only kept her twice. First time, at 6 wks, she came back with a horriable diaper rash, I think that's what it was. Second time, at 5mots, they turned off all phones so I had no contact and acted very strange when I was finally able to get there to her. Had all the blinds shut and acted pissed at me for sending someone over there to tell them they better call me right away. DH defened them and told me,"oh well, there's nothing we can do about it until we get there". (We were two hours away). I was livid! She's one now and has never been allowed to stay there without my presence since. It's so hard for me to still even be around them for doing that. They never acted like they did a damn thing wrong!

And then yet he still feels the need to defend them even knowing that they are wrong each and every time. He has allowed them to talk to me like complete crap and is even afraid to stand up for himself. Watching him talk to them is so painful because he is so scared to say the wrong thing, that they might hold it against him forever (which they probably would). i don't understand this. He has allowed them to violate not just me but him too and our child. They are so disrespectful and just down right cruel. I feel evilness around them. I just find it so frustrating to deal with things with my DH. I can not make his problems mine anymore, it's too much for me. I can't even handle the inl's because I have no support what-so-ever when coming to them. It seems like they all have dark secrets that he feels he has to protect them from ever getting out. I am very worried about my DH always acting like things are okay, when they arn't, and thinking time will change everything, when it doesn't. I need help on dealing with this. How do I handle all of this? I feel like I've become a part of something that is being covered up. How do I talk to my DH? He never responds back to ANYTHING when I try to talk to him, even about simple things. Anybody have suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 11:56pm

Hi jammytime.

My advice, after reading your post, is to accept that he is "damaged", programmed by his family of origin to respond a certain way and will not be *able* to change his responses to them without professional help. Which you say he is refusing.

So, you set your boundaries - they don't see dd without you being right there, they do not come to your house, when the three of you are visiting them *you* always have a key (if not *THE* key) to whatever car has the car seat, you do not accept DH's promises to them as binding on you, etc. - then tell your husband that you love him and hope that he will respect your need to protect yourself and your dd from his family of origin.

And be very careful not to be vulnerable, needing help with no one but them to offer it. Especially with your little girl.

Try to treat him always with love and respect, even when you are being firm in your limits.

If this doesn't sound right for you, then I sincerely hope someone offers advice that fits better.

I do wish you the very best and hope you find what works for you.

ilve2read

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 12:20am

Hi Jammytime, welcome to the board!

From what you have wrote, it sounds like your DH could use some professional counseling. He is afraid to say the wrong word and that they will yell at him. It sounds like he has to walk on eggshells around them and doesn't know any other way but to defend them because they have brainwashed him so much. I'm not defending him for not sticking up for you and your child, but it sounds like he has a lot of issues from his past that need to be dealt with. If he can try to work through those issues and get some self-esteem and respect, I think you would see a big difference in his attitude.

Maybe you can gently nudge him to go to counseling. Maybe point out the good that could come out of it - he would be more confident about himself, he would be able to say things independent of his family and be able to be his own person around his family.

In the meantime, I think it is a good idea to still tell him that he needs to stick up for you. Maybe he doesn't know what to say - so tell him what you would like for him to tell MIL.








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Registered: 03-16-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:37pm

I have tried to tell my DH that he doesn't have to be rude and go off on his parent's for the things they do, but to simply just tell his mother that she can not treat me the way she does. He has no problems telling me that I am rude to her if I tell her something that I do not like, and he has no problems making a big deal about it with me. So I have told him, "why don't you make a big deal about things with your mom when she constantly interferes"? And he just replies that he doesn't see anything wrong with what she does.

I've kept my DD from being allowed to stay with them, but I don't want to ruin the relationship with my DD and her grandparent's. I feel that she has that right to know them and become close to them. But I can not allow mil to treat me as if I don't care about what happens to my own child. I can not trust them with her. And I hate to bring her in the middle of this. I just feel that so much of this could be avoided if only my DH were to put inl's in their place about how to act and treat is wife. I know that mil would back off some if she did not get away with everything she does. She doesn't care what I say and is very good about acting like the victim everytime.

I don't see why that now their son is married they feel the need to take all control. And I don't understand how DH allows them too. After the way he has been treated by them his whole life. I know that I am just a stronger and outspoken person then him and would never allow anyone to walk all over me, even if it happened to be my own parents. Of course I was raised by a completley different family and have never in my life met people the way they are. I can not imagine as a mother to ever play favorites with my own children. I think my mil is a sorry excuse as a mother and a person. All of my DH's problems begin with her...I think she is the one that needs the most help then any of us.

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Registered: 03-28-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 4:05pm
I understand where you are comming from, except mine is with SIL. From the very beginning she has not liked me and made it very clear. On more than one occassion she has bad-mouthed to my husband. She is still causing problems in our marriage. On Monday I left my husband, and she is already acting happy about it. She doesn't seem to realize that it affects my 2-year-old daughter. All I want my husband to do is stand up to his sister and tell her she needs to back off and needs to respect me. I have asked him over and over again to do that and he is too afraid to. When I was pregnant she informed me she couldn't be happy that I was pregnant b/c she didn't like me. Completely disregarding the fact that her brother was happy about it and she should be happy because he is happy. I finally just left. I can't handle that anymore and it breaks my heart to leave, but not being around it makes me happy. I'm still hoping he will realize what is going and what to do about it, but only time willtell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 4:37pm

I understand that you don't want to ruin the relationship that your DD has with her grandparents, but the fact that they talk crap to you is just plain unacceptable. Do you want to continue to allow them to see her when they treat you and DH like crap? Also, lots of times when the grandparents treat the parent(s) like crap, they usually wind up saying nasty things to the kid(s) about one or both parents. I don't know if your MIL has done that yet or not, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did do something like that since she seems so evil.

I agree that this could probably be solved by your DH telling his family to screw and that if they want to see him, you and your DD that they will have to treat you and him with respect or they need not bother. He probably isn't going to do that, so you are probably going to have to be the one to set the boundaries in the situation, as you have been doing.

I don't know what else to suggest other than to limit your time with MIL as much as possible, whether it is on the phone or in person. If you really want DD to see her grandparents, if it were me, I would be supervising them every second that your DD was around them. I don't have my own kids, but if I did, I don't think I could allow my MIL to see my kid(s) knowing that she talked crap to ME, their mother. That is just me and everyone has their own way of handling things.








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Registered: 06-23-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:20am

>>>I've kept my DD from being allowed to stay with them, but I don't want to ruin the relationship with my DD and her grandparent's. I feel that she has that right to know them and become close to them.<<<

If your husband's parents were unhealthy for him to be around when he was a kid, then what makes you think they will be any more healthy for your daughter to be around? Your daughter has the right to know and become close to people that will treat her right and be beneficial to her development. Do your in-laws fit that description? Don't base your answer on their title of grandparent. Base it on their actions.

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Registered: 03-16-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:34am

You are right about my inl's being unhealthy people for my dd to be around...but at the same time I know that I will have all control over how she is treated by them. I would never allow them to "brainwash" my dd like they did to my dh. And once she is at an age to understand things, if I ever find out mil is bad mouthing me to her then that would be the end to their relationship with her, for good. The difference is is that I am her mom and she will always know that. She will take after me and the manners that I was taught to have, not dh and inl's. But I understand what you are saying which is why they really don't get to see her often.

We now live two hours away from them, and the rest of family including mine, but I visit often and spend my time with my parents. Only dh's parents when invited for a family dinner or something like that and dd only sees them with me around. (BTW-she cries so hard everytime she sees them, like she is scared, which is another good reason for me not to allow her to be alone with them).

I guess I just feel bad because I was raised differently and do not find it so easy to just be nasty to people like they are. They say nasty things to people and carry on with their lives. Although I've learned to stand my ground and be firm with them, I always carry a sense of worry afterwards. Don't get me wrong though, I don't feel sorry for those people and feel like I have to make it up to them, I just wish I knew how to handle stress a little bit better.

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Registered: 12-08-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 6:47am

Here's my POV on this.I think that you need to tell/convince him to attend counseling. Either solo or you can attend with him. Sencondly, if he is not going to put the il's in their place, you do it. I had to put the mil in her place. My Dh didn't do it, so therefore I did. I think that it is a privilege to be a grandparent,not a right. Plus, remember that when your DD grows, she will realize who the real monster is. The sad thing is that your il's aren't only isrespectful and hateful to you, but your husband and DD. I was in the same situation. I put my mil in her place for the simple fact that I was tired of the way that she was treating my DH and son. She plays favorites too. I wish yo uthe best with this situation.

Laura

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Registered: 05-15-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 7:31am

"I've kept my DD from being allowed to stay with them, but I don't want to ruin the relationship with my DD and her grandparent's. I feel that she has that right to know them and become close to them."

If this is really what you feel, don't be surprized and don't complain when your DD comes home from the ILs house disagreeable and disrespectful to you. You are sending her to be taught exactly that from the very people who disrespect you and your marriage. :o(

edited to add: I don't know how old your DD is, but my MIL was filling my two year old's head with comments like "Mommy tells you no because she doesn't love you as much as Granny does."; "Granny would never tell you no."; "Mommy is just mean to Granny's sweet baby girl." Fortunately, our older son overheard one such conversation and came to me immediately to report what was going on.




Edited 3/29/2007 8:02 am ET by fluffy42052
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 7:36am
I posted before reading your response on this topic. You are exactly right! I know!! I have lived it!! As soon as I realized WHY I was having so many problems with DD acting disrespectful to me after she had a visit with her grandmother, we put a stop to it. MIL has never been alone in a room with my child since then.

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