I feel like a horrible person but.....

Avatar for poohwhitt
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I feel like a horrible person but.....
11
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 8:23pm
Where to start? The MIL and I haven't gotten along since our rehearsal dinner over 10 years ago. It was all the normal things from her like I've seen on this page. "You're not good enough for my son. You could lose weight if you tried this pill. You should try this fertility tea..." You get the picture. Now she has got Ovarian Cancer. She won't tell us what stage, but it has spread all through her abdomen. She says she's got a 2.1% chance of survival with chemo. One problem, she won't do the chemo. She went on this long rant about how it's a big conspiracy that the drug companies use to kill people and on and on. It's insane. So she's doing this Hypothermic therapy (she's basically going to cook herself) and according to her "research" (i.e. the seller of the therapy's anecdotes and her boyfriend's BS) she will be "cured" by Christmas. We did 5 minutes of research online and the whole thing is a fraud unless it's done in conjunction with Chemo. She won't hear a word against it and won't listen to her doctors or anyone else. I think she's doing this for a sense of control, but I know this isn't going to work. And when it doesn't work, then what are we going to do? Now for the rest of it, she's disinherited all of her children. She's giving everything to her boyfriend. We don't want anything really, but my DH is really hurt by this. It's like she's chosen her boyfriend over her children. She's actually told me "It's not like I've got any grandchildren to leave anything for". Ouch, we've gone through the whole fertility thing, it's not like we haven't been trying and she knows that. Now she's refusing the at home nursing care we set up for her. After hurting my husband she is expecting us to drop everything and dance like her puppets. We live 3 hours away, it's not a hop, skip, and a jump to get there. She called tonight and said "you'll be here at blah blah blah time tomorrow." Not asking, not inquiring, I've got to work tomorrow so there is no way I can get there on her schedule and my husband has to work on Sunday. So he'd drive all that way to drive back. But, she shouldn't be left alone either. She can't care for herself anymore. She can't even get to the bathroom by herself. Her boyfriend won't take anymore time off work and he doesn't seem to care that she's alone while he's gone. Her friends have been coming by when they can, but they can't stay forever. We've talked to the hospital and there's nothing we can do. She's competent to make her own choices, albeit she's making bad ones. Has anyone else gone through this? What do we do now? I'm just so stressed out about this. It's bad enough that she's got cancer, but does there have to be this kind of drama on top?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 10:58pm

I would suggest you support your husband and encourage him to do what feels "right" to him.

Avatar for poohwhitt
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 10:02am
Thanks, I've been feeling so horrible about how I feel about this. Thank you for not chewing me out. I'm always behind my DH 100%. He just hasn't made a decision yet. We're going to see her today (after I get out of work) and see if we can work some thing out. If she pulls this again next weekend, we can't go at all. We're both working the entire weekend. I feel she's going to tell us to make a choice between her and our family (just the two of us at the moment). While that will really hurt DH, I know which he will choose. I really feel that she is trying to get us to prove how much we love her, as she keeps needing us when we are either working or have other plans. I'm also really worried about an event coming up. My husband's best friend is getting married. The bride decided on a destination wedding to Jamaica. We bought our tickets and everything else back in March (before she was diagnosed). I know she's going to "need" us while we're out of the country. How do we handle that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 11:19am
You tell her you're leaving for a wedding, and if she needs help she can turn to the nursing services that you hired for her. Tell her plenty in advance.

And FWIW, if I had only a 2% chance of survival, I would forgo chemo myself.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2011
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 12:04pm

Hi Poohwhitt,

I feel for you and your dh.

Avatar for poohwhitt
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 12:10pm
Thank you all so much. I feel so much better now that I've talked this out and gotten your responses. I will update this post with anything the MIL gives us. Thanks again, P
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 8:12pm

"And FWIW, if I had only a 2% chance of survival, I would forgo chemo myself."

Yep, me too. Although I did have a friend who had a rare, incurable cancer (adenocarcinoma of unknown primary origin) and she decided that even if the chemo bought her an extra year, it would be worth it. Her kids were quite young, so she went for it and lived for two more years. Most people with that cancer live about 6 months. I'm pretty sure I would just say forget it and concentrate on making peace with everyone and saying goodbye.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 11:10pm

The Jamaica trip...I think you have to, once again, let your husband decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 10-10-2011 - 12:36pm

I feel bad for your situation - it is so hard because you have the guilt from so many sides.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 6:34pm

First, I am so sorry your mil and the family are going through this.

Avatar for 3togetready
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-1999
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 11:21am

I think you gave some wonderful advice. Summergirl was also right on about hospice care.

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