I really wanted that house
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| Fri, 06-09-2006 - 9:42am |
My in-law's, as well as my husband's entire family, are upper middle class.
My parents are upper middle class, also, and when I was growing up, watching my parents "keep up with the Jonses" was very hard for me. When I got to be an adult, I swore that I would always be content with a simple life. It made life a lot easier and gave me a lot more freedom with money.
Now that I am married, we live in close proximity to my in-laws, and in a different state from my parents. (Before everyone gets mad at me, no, I didn't move here for him, I met him long after!!!)
Let me tell you, it's a battle. I am fighting so hard not to do what I swore I wouldn't do: feel pressure to "keep up with the Jonses". My in-laws make it so hard for me. They criticize our apartment, our jobs, our goals, and to top it all off, they don't want us to have children because children will "cost money". They seem to really worship money.
Not too long ago, my husband and I were looking at a manufactured home development. Please don't hate me for wanting one of their homes, but I really really did!!! It was 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, and the living area and kitchen were just huge. The bedrooms had built-in bookcases and drawers, and well, I just loved it. We would have been able to put 50% down, and with both of us working, we would have been able to pay this thing off in almost no time at all. My husband wants it, too. The salesman liked our financial situation, and really wanted to sell it to us. I am happy with our one bedroom apartment, but with this home, I could really see us having a family.
We went home and talked about it. DH made the mistake of telling his stepfather, who trashed it as being a "white trash" kind of thing, to live in a manufactured home.
I really should have known. Don't most people feel that way about manufactured homes, not really caring that this was a nice one?
When we walked out of the development's office, I got this mental image of dh and I with 3-4 kids and several pets, living in that house. Now, every time I drive past there, I am reminded of that mental image I got, and I get so depressed. Everything that dh and I want for ourselves is considered somehow wrong. and when I say wrong, I mean that most people who have this "Keeping up with the Jonses" mentality will see it as a lesser choice. Yes, we are supposed to want to buy a house, but not *that* house. Yes, we are supposed to want more space, but not to have children, because that's a financial burden.
It might be easy to say, "Just put them out of your life", or, "Don't associate with them", but that's a lot easier said than done. They live in our neighborhood, only 5 miles away (and yes, they view our place to be a "bad" neighborhood, while theirs is "good", and it's only 5 miles). I can't ask dh to have nothing to do with his parents. I'd never stoop to the level of making someone I love choose. And it's not like DH "doesn't have a spine". He's a lot better at I am at not caring what they think. He knows what his family will think of us if we bought that house, had children, kept our current career plans, etc. But he doesn't care. He wants to do these things anyway. As for me, I can't face his family knowing that they think so low of us. Dh's step father gives us horrible comments to our face all the time.
And even if it wasn't my husband's family that we'd have to face, we'd have to face someone. I think most people are like my husband's family. Our society has a strong love of money, and looks down on anyone who isn't this ideal image. It's just so depressing, because here I'm doing what I never said I would do, and I am dreading every minute of it.

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I do not see your problem.
"wanting one of their homes, but I really really did!!!.....I just loved it.....My husband wants it, too."
Period. End of story. Get the house. All about your in-laws is moot. You don't want to keep up with the Jones', don't. It's not as though you have to. It sounds like you're making this more dramatic than it actually is. Cut and dry. You love it, he wants it. It's financially possible.
I see your annoyance in in-laws. I do not see your problem.
I have to say that I agree with dansfoxywife on this one. If it's what you and DH want, then go for it.
Do the people you care about (besides the "Joneses" that your ils seem to be) and respect feel that *you* would be trashy to live in this development? Would living in your "dream home" limit you professionally? Can you respond to such two-dimensional (read "shallow") people with a raised eyebrow and undiminished confidence?
Do you really want to live your life according to the "standards" of your husband's parents?
Does your husband agree that his snobby parents should get to decide where you live?
These are all rhetorical questions. The answers are really none of my business, but I think you should consider the answers yourself as you work out who you are and how you will live your life.
Maybe you and your husband could look at other homes, (maybe farther away from your ILs?) find one you like and add the touches you want. Those built in bookcases and drawers sound cool!
Good luck to you both. I hope you find a comfortable solution.
lve2read
PS, there are still some of us out here who "judge" people based on behavior choices and attitudes rather than wallet (or house or truck or, or, or) size. So not everyone would be judging you as "less than worthy" based solely on where you live.
If you are a person who feels that social pressure and could not enjoy the purchase, then maybe what you need is some friends to give you moral support. Have you talked to the friends you have now, maybe showed them some brochures?
Are these manufactured homes set up in a community, or all spread out? If they are all together, you and hubby could go strolling through that neighborhood. See what it is like for the people there. Smile and maybe you'll meet someone who will tell you how much they love their manuf-home.
If you and your husband are content with the simple life, then you need to practice smiling and saying, "Thanks for your suggestions. I'll give them some thought," when your crass and mannerless in-laws start up. You have very sensitive feelings, and may believe you are being judged when all the other person wants to do is have a conversation. I remember being very hurt when one of my friends said, "You should . . ." in response to my comment about our Thanksgiving menu. I thought she meant that her way was better, but she just wanted to compare holiday traditions. It's EASY to get feelings hurt when no hurt is intended.
HOWEVER, even if they flat-out wanted you to feel like idiots for wanting that house, so what? Even if they think children are too expensive, who cares? You are the one living your life, loving your husband and your kids and the pets, and making a warm, welcoming home in the house of your choice. In a few years your in-laws will be gone, and it would be a shame for you to have wasted years of your life in fear of their opinions.
I want to respond to your post and while some of my comments may seem harsh, please understand I'm saying them with the best of intentions.
The problem is really not society. The problem is the pressure YOU feel from your perceptions of other people's standards. I believe you come by this honestly from both your parents and your husband's. What concerns me a little bit is how you say you will be judged by society for your choices in a home. You may not realize it, but it seems you, yourself, are doing a lot of the judging. If your best friend in the world decided to buy the house you want, how would you feel about it? Would you consider it substandard because it doesn't fit into how you perceive your friend should be living, or would you simply be happy for her because she was doing what she wanted and was happy?
You were not brought into this world to please other people. If you and your husband want that house, what other people think, be it family or just society, is totally irrelevant. You are under no obligation to please other people or live your life in a way that conforms to some sense of financial morality.
In my experience, most people that have the "Keeping Up With the Joneses" mentality are very unhappy people because they are never satisfied. You and your husband sound like intelligent people that want to live a good life by making your own choices. You should do it.
Good luck and I hope you can find a way to get past caring about what other people think. I think you'll be happier not living up to other people's standards.
Madalot
When I insist that I am 'right," I slam the door of my mind. I remain locked in past
This is precisely the attitude I am talking about. This is also precisely why I don't believe you people are being sincere when you give the "Don't care what others think, it's your life" line. What do you mean, "Define"? Define why? I thought I made it perfectly clear in my op that it was not a "trailor". I also thought I made it perfectly clear that we weren't going to buy it.
I also don't believe that people such as my inlaws ask questions because they are trying to help or make conversations or whatever the other poster said. If that's the case, then I would be asking my inlaws how much money they make, what their bills look like, what their savings accounts are, what they do at work, are they planning on a promotion, etc, etc, etc. If I asked them those questions, it would be rude, but they can ask them, because they are parents and they care, and we just caaaaaan't knowwww. Actually, if I had the audacity to be half as rude as they are, I would ask my mil why she was trashy enough to have a child with a man she didn't even want to be with, and then try everything in her power to keep father and son from having a relationship. Because that's what we're dealing with right now. DH and his REAL father have a relationship, and she can't handle it.
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