Ididsomethinghorrible!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Ididsomethinghorrible!!!!
32
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 12:19am

Oh my goodness, I did something horrible. My husband and I had a huge argument about his mother most of all, and I told him loud and clear how selfish she is....I told him that if it were'nt for his mother, we won't have so much problems. I told him she's a stupid bitch and all that his family thinks about is money...money...money... I told him I made the biggest mistake of my life and that is marrying him that I did not know what the hell I was getting into. I told him, I had no idea when I married him, I married the whole damn family!!! I told him that I wish my mother in law would rot in hell...

Do you all think I did something bad, will my husband hate me for this....Should have I done this...

I can't sleep tonight...I feel so horrible!!! What Have I done!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:04am

It is obvious that whatever you fought about has brought out of you how you really feel. I find that usually when we are angry, the truth comes out.

Do you really feel this way about your MIL? Could you give a little more as to what you fought about?

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 7:11am

If she is truly as bad as it seems, then I fail to see where you did anything but defend yourself. Could you give us more information?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 12:51pm

Don't be too hard on yourself, hun. We all have our breaking point. Sounds like you just finally reached yours.

No one knows how your husband will react to it except him. Once you are both calm and had time to think, you'll need to talk about it.

You said some mean things (whether they are true or not) so I think you should apologize for how you expressed yourself. But your MIL is still an issue that will need to be dealt with. Maybe this will open up the possibility to work on that aspect of your marriage. The important thing is how you handle it from this point on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 3:34pm

I've been married for 2 years now, and all throughout my mother in law has been the biggest problem. My mil to this day still accuse me of stealing her son from her. When I come over, she treats me like I don't exist, does not acknowledge that I'm there. She calls every night inviting my husband for dinner and makes him feel guilty if he refuses to go. When I discipline our son, she butts in. She talks about me to the rest of the family that I'm a burden, if her son would not have been married with me, she would have a bigger house.

The fight yesterday was just about that I didn't want to go over his mom's house. I told him that I just didn't feel comfortable going, and I guess my husband got mad and led to another, and I just exploded.

Even though the things I said were my true feelings, I do feel guilty because she is after all my husband's mother, and I should not have called her the names I did.

I am still feeling guilty. I don't know why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 2:34am

The way I look at it, the problem here is your husband. He has given in time and time again and he should be standing up to her when she does or says these things to you. I very seriously doubt that he would put up with the same treatment from your mother.

It is okay that you blew up, it sounds like you needed it. I would say that your feelings of guilt are because you have put up with so much belligerence, manipulation, lies and hardship that when the cork popped it was hard to stop. I would also guess that standing up and defending yourself in this environment is not well tolerated.

Perhaps, when things have calmed a bit, you and your husband should sit down and talk about these issues. It is obvious that there are going to have to be some changes or this marriage is doomed. This of course will require you to decide whether your DH is worth it.

The inviting him to dinner every evening, butting in on child discipline, talking bad about you to the family, blaming you for stealing her son and blaming you for not living in a bigger house is a scary and sickening roller coaster to be riding with your MIL.

I think you have every right to refuse to go where it is so obvious that you are not welcome and to me that would mean my son too. You need to make your husband understand that when you married, that made you and any children that you produce his immediate family, and his mother became extended family.

If he just can’t see this or he says that you are making an issue out of nothing, you should consider returning him back to his mom because you will always be second best when you should be #1.

I understand that you feel really guilty about the names that you said in the heat of anger but I think that you should only apologize if anything you said was not true. How have things been between you and DH since your argument? Has this made him realize how much pain she is putting you through or can he not see past her saintly glow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 9:04am

I feel for you . . .but I just yelled at my husband and told him that his mother was a bitch and bitter woman. He gets frustrated and thinks I should be the one to put him in her place, but it's HIS mother! He is the one that should sit down and talk with her about her behavior.

I think you may have gone too far, but you are clearly frustrated - and you should tell him you did that out of desperation . . .

My mother-in-law has always been intrusive and pushy. She has caused so many arguments in our marriage because of the things she has done.

My husband just called and said that he's going to have a talk with her. Several years ago, I wrote her a letter - it really wassn't a bad letter - just about not pulling up weeds in my driveway, not doing my laundry . . .and not reprimanding the kids - she cried for three days and my husband cried along with her which really upset me.

I just want her to come over and stop putting me down in some way or telling me that I spoil my children, or making fun of my sisters and their family or making fun of me because I eat healthy. I don't know why she just can't come over here and keep her comments to herself, be respectful and give us our space and privacy.

I think you need to talk things out with your husband and explain to him what brought you to these harsh words and attack on him. Yes, you may have done something horrible, but I can hear your frustration. It would be better if we could take that energy and tell our mother-in-laws how we feel. I hate putting my husband in the middle, but it's his mother - she should have been given boundaries a long time ago.

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 4:25pm
believe me, Im sure half of us would like to say the same thing to our husbands sometimes and i have come close definately. you probably went a little too far. best thing to do would just be to apologize for acting like a child and explain that these problems with the MIL are bringing out the worst in you. tell him that you feel like you guys keep having the same arguement over and over and nothing ever gets fixed. See, what i have noticed with my husband is that if he goes against his mom to support me, then he is told that he is letting his family (the in laws) down. When he takes thier side and not mine, I let him know im disappointed that he isnt supportive of his family (me and our boy) Most husbands I think just felt trapped. As much as we never would have asked for the MIL, they sure didnt ask for his mom and wife to not get along either!
My MIL drives me insane almost all the time. I have a feeling that Im gonna hafta put my foot down this easter because I think she has planned my sons dedication at the church without even talking to me about it, just kinda surprise when we get to the church. and unfortunate for her, I will walk right out of the church if that happens, I decide when and where that happens! I guess I can just say this, I got some really good advise on here from someone who told me "Stop fighting so much with your husband about this!" Youor gonna hafta just stand up to your MIL. Its really hard to do and your MIL is prob gonna be like mine and pull the Im shocked you feel this way, Im such a sweet grandma, I dont ever mean any harm as I do everything behind your back approach, but atleast you are getting your foot put down! Waiting for your husband to grow up and grow some balls may take a lot longer than you realize, the power of a mother/son connection is HUGE! All you can do is stand up for yourself and remember this when your son grows up! Good luck and try not to blow up like that when you approach the MIL :-) I dont think she'll get over it like your husband :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 6:17pm

I hear everything you are saying - it makes perfect sense to assert yourself with your mother-in-law, but I'm not really the type who is that strong emotionally - and how do you tell your mother-in-law that you want some space with your unborn grandchildren - I'm going to be a grandmother in the fall, and my MIL isn't even related to them biologically and wants to take care of the kid already . . .this is my first time being a grandmother, and I want some space to bond with my child's child . . .last night my MIL was thinking of names that they could name their baby after HER dead husband and my father who recently passed away.

I am just so sick of her making snide remarks and interfering with my family - and not accepting our differences. Oh, and if I don't spell or say something correctly, she's quick to correct me and make me feel stupid.

It's very hard for me since she lives closeby - she used to live 1,500 miles away and then decided to move five minutes away from us - and did I mention that we support her?????

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 1:02pm
I think that a congratulations are in order. You did the right thing by telling your husband how you feel about his mom. And if she is half as bad as the MIL I have, then he already knows why you are so frustrated. If he is very angry with you sit him down and calmly explain to him why you feel this way and that he doesn't have to agree with you, but he does need to repect your feelings. Then you need to firmly tell him things need to change and he needs to put himself in your position. My husband and I had some of the same fights about his mom and this is how we solved it. Although...I still wish she'd rot in hell! Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 6:31pm

Hi Hellasmad, welcome to the board!

It sounds like you have put up with a lot from your husband regarding his mother. Even though he knows how she is around you, he STILL expects you to go see her. He NEEDS to stand up to her and let her know that the way she treats you is UNACCEPTABLE. If he isn't going to do it, then the next time she doesn't acknowledge you, you could say "I'm over here!" or "Hello?!" or something like that to let her know that you know that she is ignoring you. As for her talking about you, there really isn't anything you can do about that other than ignore her.

As for your guilt, if you do feel bad and didn't mean the things that you said about his mother, then apologize. If you did mean it, then I would say don't apologize. Also, you could apologize for the way you expressed yourself about MIL, but you are not going to apologize for thinking that she is difficult and that you don't want to see her because of it.








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