If this happens what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
If this happens what do I do?
21
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 2:54pm

As I posted earlier, MIL kicked us out of her house on Sunday. She is po'd at me, for stupid miscommunications and missunderstandings. We have always been nice to each other these past 8 years, so her freak out was unexpected and harsh. I told her I felt we had always had a good relationship, and her reply to me was that it hasnt been that good.


I wrote her a letter addressing the two major issues that I could have handeled better, and apologizing for those things only. Then I told her that she made me feel bad with her comments.


HERE COMES THE QUESTION:


I need to know everyone's honest opinions about something. We have a 1-1/2 old daughter. MIL lives 5-1/2 hours away. If she tells my DH that I am NOT welcome to attend any family functions at her home, or of her hosting at someone's home, how should I react to this? (I am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 4:00pm

I have to say "it depends". Does your daughter like her grandma? Can grandma be trusted not to run Mommy down? Can grandma be trusted to keep daughter safe, physically *and* emotionally? Does grandma try to reach daughter where daughter is or does grandma pat dd on the head and otherwise ignore her, or worse yet, use dd to get praise for being such a wonderful grandma?

Then ask yourself, deep in your heart, if you could allow dd to go with her daddy without it eating at you.

It could be a special thing that dd shares with her daddy, as long as you are not put down and as long as dd is "allowed" to show love and respect for her mommy, or even encouraged to call to say "good night" etc.

It could be a time of refreshing and rejuvenation for you, to do things you wouldn't otherwise get the time or opportunity to do.

So, there's my take on it. Hope it helps as you work through this.

You really think she's going to say you're not welcome anymore? After 8 years of getting along?

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 5:13pm

If she won't allow you to come to "family" functions then your dd doesn't go either.

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 5:31pm
If your MIL tells your DH that you are not welcome in her home anymore, then I say that I think you are reasonable in wanting your daughter to stay behind as well.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 5:38pm
This is just me, but if my inlaws said I was no longer welcome, then not only would my children not go, but if my husband went, after I was treated like that, then, I would consider that a betrayal and would reconsider my marriage. I am dead serious.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 5:45pm

I completely expect to be shut out from now on. She totally freaked out on me, and I have never felt those kind of vibes coming off her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 5:48pm

Thanks everyone for the opinions. I am totally ready to say NO GO for DD and I both if I am not welcome at DH's family functions. And be darn sure that we will stay at a hotel from here on out if we do go back.


If we do go back, and I doubt I will be welcome to, it won't be until the holidays, and I bet MIL will completly act like she never was rude to us.


Oh well, I feel better now


Liz

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Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 1:41pm

Here's my own opinion on it.

You have appologised. If she is too bitter and selfish (and borderline evil) to not accept this appology for a petty insignificant incident in an otherwise pleasant relationship, and you are no longer welcome, your husband should also see this as a personal assult on him. You are his wife, and if you are not welcome he should not feel welcome either. He should feel insulted also. He chose you, and if you are unwelcome, then he by chosen association is unwelcome too. Personally, my DH is my man first, his mothers son third behind our kids daddy. He wouldn't go either and he would be angry in turn at his mother for being unreasonable, cruel, and ungracious. It would be different had you purposfully talked with disdain and contempt for her and if the misunderstandings and miscommunications were intentional. And, I for damn sure will not send my innocent children off to a hostile-towards-their-mommy situation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 3:51pm

If my Mother-In-Law made a decree like that, my husband would tell her that no one was going. I wouldn't even need to ask. Honestly, I wouldn't consider asking him to do that, he just would.

If he's still inclined to go for whatever reason that I can't fathom, I'd let him take your daughter, UNLESS your daughter becomes privy to any conversation which puts you in a bad light. If that is EVER a possiblity or you hear of it happening then I'd make Grandma off-limits until she develops a clue.

I'm sorry this is so stressful for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 7:59am

Well, I think I'm in agreement with you on this one. I don't think I'd want my children visiting with my inlaws if I've been banned from going. Luckily, my inlaws aren't that stupid and even though we have our differences and disagreements (and boy do we), we both love my dh and for him, we all make an effort into getting along. But if for some reason I found myself in a situation like you describe, I would have to stop my children from visiting. My thinking here is that what message would it send the kids when they realized grandma wouldn't let me come? Not only that, if your MIL has it in her to be this vindictive, how can you trust her NOT to say inappropriate things to your child when you're not there?

Obviously, you and your DH have to make the decisions that work for you, but this is definitely my take on it.

Good luck. I hope things work out for everyone involved.

Madalot

When I insist that I am 'right," I slam the door of my mind.  I remain locked in past

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 10:24am
First off, I think it's good you're thinking ahead on this one, but hopefully what you've predicted won't happen. If it does, and you don't think your MIL will badmouth you to your child, I'd say let your husband take her and you can consider that personal free time, BUT if you think she's manipulating the situation, then I think you have every right to suggest your child not attend these events. However, you might consider how this might damage the child... does your relationship with your MIL have to damage your MIL's (and rest of family's) relationship with your child... something to consider.

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