im in hell

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
im in hell
12
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 7:22am
ive been married 6 months and i live with my husbands parents....joint famiy! my mom in law is becoming a real problem in my marriage. a month after the wedding she started talkin about me to my family who gave her a shut up call n because that didnt work to the entire neighbourhood...she treats me realy quite bad...to the point where she locks the kitchen n i go hours without food. cant even go out n get something, because she locks the doors from outside too. my husband is an only child and so scared to say anything to his mother til last month and that was also because i threw a fit. he sent me home to my parents for 2 weeks n on valentines came picked me up promising me things will be ok. his moms not gona do anything. since the 16th ive seen her only 3 times. she runs the moment she hears my door opening. she n her husband live in the same house but different rooms. he doesnt interfere with anything. if my husband n i fight she would stand outsid my door n listen n start knockin and come to me put her hands together and ask me to spare her family...whatever that means...anyway, last night my husband told me he was gona warm up dinner while i was in the shower. when i came out i saw only one glass n just asked wheres my glass...i dont know how that was so wrong but he threw his glass started throwing the furniture around n woke his father up and told his father i swear at him make him serve dinner and throw a fit if something is missing and asked him is this why he got married...n then his father came up to me and started tellin me i have no right swearing or making my husband serve this is something girls do and the whole time i was just sitting lookin at my husband and he knew he had lied. i never asked him to warm up dinner n i didnt even swear at him. just asked him where my glass was. i just said look i never asked him n this marriage is getting crazy im calling my dad and my husbands father took away my cell. my husband was screaming so loud the neighbours started calling. i got all kinds of crap from my father in law abt what im representing n what my family is like and what a girl has to do for her husband and ive just been causing problems and then in the end he put his son in the study came to me and told me not to go there. i just told him ure right im the problem il leave first thing in the morning and said goodnight...sat in my room had a smoke and my husbnad started knocking. by this time i was crying like a baby. couldnt even call my father. he cme in and sat down with me and started huggin me and trying to kiss me. i let him do whatever...i had so many things going thru my head that all pointed to get out of this marriage...but im not doing anything becuase im soo bad at making decisions. just wanted to ask u guys should i get a divorce? help plz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2007
In reply to: p82a
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 9:07am
Hi, P82. Listen, honey, I'd really like to offer you some advice, but to be honest, I simply can't read something that's written that way: no punctuation, using "n" instead of "and", everything written in lower case. I know that's acceptable with you're IM'ing or texting, but when you've got a long post like that on a message board, I think you're going to have to make a bit more effort to communicate in a way that's understandable, where a reader doesn't have to sit here and try to decipher what you're trying to say. Maybe it's just me, and others won't have any trouble. If so, I hope they have some good advice for you. Sorry I can't help you.

~Ghostwriter, M.A.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: p82a
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 9:58am

p82a, I'm so very sorry your husband has put you in this position.

He is willing to get his parents yelling at you by *lying* about you. He should be *DEFENDING* you from their interference. How long until he is hitting you physically instead of just verbally and emotionally?

It sounds like he gets to be Momma and Daddy's Golden Boy with sex on the side.

I think you should go stay with your parents until you and your husband (not his mommy and Daddy) decide whether or not this marriage is worth saving. I suggest professional counseling. Only you and your husband can make this decision.

I also suggest you not live with him until he has *SHOWN* you that he is ready to put on his "big boy" undies and stand beside his wife instead of behind his Mommy and Daddy. And I don't think it is *possible* to show you this while expecting you to live with his Mommy and Daddy. Any change while still living there would be temporary at best.

He may not be ready to leave his Mommy and Daddy and you need to accept that if it's true. Do what is best for your mental health and safety.

And no matter what is decided, please, Please, PLEASE use the very best birth control you can *UNTIL* AFTER the two of you have worked out the kinks AND have lived without his parents control for at least as long as you lived under their influence. If you become pregnant and/or have a baby, you become far more vulnerable and it's far, far harder to escape the abuse. A baby will not *FIX* anything, only add more challenges to your lives. Please wait until you and your husband can face those challenges *together* before allowing a baby to start.

That's my opinion.

I wish you the very best no matter what you decide.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
In reply to: p82a
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 3:54pm
I agree totally with ilve2read. Im sorry you have to go through all of this. But its true your husband should never allow his parents or anyone to treat you that way let alone him treating you that way. And your FIL taking your cell phone thats awful! Im sorry you had to go through all that! My suggestion. Go back home to your parents and like ilve2read said when hes ready to work things out he knows where you are. But also going back to the IL's house would be a deal breaker for me. If your husband is willing to change and make things work (maybe even telling him some anger management classes wouldnt be a bad idea) then you should do what you can to get your own place. I lived with my IL's for a while until we saved enough to move granted it was nothing like you are going through but it still made me unhappy now that we have our own place things are 100x better! Do what you can to find an place of your own. If I were you this is what I would tell my husband if I wanted to make things work. I'd say husbands name im going to go to my parents for a while. I love you but this marriage can not work this way. There are a few things we need to do before I can feel comfortable comming back to you. If you love me and want to work things out please defend me like a husband should tell your father the truth about what happened that night and tell both of your parents that I am your wife and you will no longer allow them to treat me this way. Also I would like it if you could look into go to an anger management class you really scared me throwing glasses the other night and I need to feel safe with you. We also need to do what we have to to find a place of our own. We are a married couple and we need our own place. All these or its a deal breaker.
Best of Luck. And just remember you do not deserve to be treated like that from your husband or his parents. And I agree with ilve2read to you dont know how he will act in the future what if he does start to display physical violence. There are many great guys out there who will be on your side and wont let anyone treat you poorly. Best of luck hun.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
In reply to: p82a
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 4:36pm
I was in a very similar situation. My mother drove 8 hours to pick me up the very day I called her. I didn't file for divorce right away, I tried to work things out, I tried to convince him to move away from his parents, and he would have none of it. 4 months after I left, I filed for divorce. It was the wisest decision I ever made. That was 9 years ago. 4 years after I left, he still lived with his parents. I don't think divorce is something to take lightly, but neither is a situation like the one you are in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
In reply to: p82a
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 6:35pm
thanks so much. been cryin since all this happened. called my parents and they are taking me home tomorrow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: p82a
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 6:36pm

Get out now while you can. If you have to make peace for a short while, just to let things cool down so you can access a telephone, but get out. You can always call 911 to have an officer come to the house and tell him you want to leave when he gets there. Your in-laws and H can't make you stay. Get out now, before you have children with these crazy people!

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
In reply to: p82a
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 6:43pm
sallie i wish i could call 911...problem is i dont live in the states...i spoke to my husband and asked him how he let all that drama happen. he said 'you had it coming'! what do i do with such a man?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: p82a
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 7:53pm

It sounds very cultural to me. Was this an arranged marriage by any chance? I know with some Eastern cultures practice this esp in Europe.
But If this was not arranged and you picked this man. I wonder what he was like during the "courting session" so to speak. And if it was arranged again I am guessing no red flags went off there.
But anybody who locks you in your room, Takes away your cell phone and all that happened plus saying you deserve it is abusive! and Even if it wasn't physical now it probably would escalate to this.

GET OUT NOW! Don't even look past go! Go straight to divorce(hopefully this is not a cultural thing where it will hurt you more) and don't even look back and thank goodness:G-D Allah or who ever you pray to that you did not have children with this man. Because he will continue to repeat this cycle like any abuser would.

Good Luck
Rina

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: p82a
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:19pm

{{{hugs}}}

It's not easy to take a stand. I do know that.

I wish you the very best, and do keep us posted as to how you are doing, if you feel comfortable doing that.

{{{hugs}}}

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
In reply to: p82a
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 1:47pm
Run!!! Lie to all of them about what you are going to do just so you can get out of the house and run fast. This is NOT a marriage and you need to get out as fast as you can. Don't think twice and don't feel guilty for doing it, you haven't done anything wrong but you really need to get a divorce. Hope this helps you make a decision and good luck.
Oh by the way, you should have your inl's arrested for keeping you locked up in the house, that's kidnapping.

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