Inappropriate BIL?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Inappropriate BIL?
12
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 11:22am

Last night I was looking at my DH's cell phone and came across a multimedia text message from his brother. MY DH had read the message, but not opened it, but it peaked my curiousity. I know I shouldn't look at my DH's cell phone

Back to the message. I logged onto the internet and typed in the message web page which happened to be Cingular's webpage and it prompted me to put in a ID and password. I put them in and low and behold I was right to be suspicious about the text message. The was a picture of a hefty woman (naked) on top of a naked man having sex. The message from his brother was "Big Ass Hump." Do you think this is inappropriate (again my DH had not opened it)? Shoulld I say something? I just think it is weird to send your married brother something like this period and especially while both of them are at work.

I have a long history of problems with MIL and have in the past six months started having bigger problems with BIL when he basically called me a b...tch, getting in our business about my feeling and treatment of MIL, etc.... Of course Dh didn't do anything about any of this. Edited: He called me a b...ch because he was butting into to our business with his mother.. He did not like how my DH and I were handling the drama that happened before and after our wedding and was blamming it all on me, not evil MIL. My DH let him get away with calling me a b...ch, but not about his mom being blameless. I just do not understand why it is okay for his brothe to call me a b...ch, especially when he went balistic on an aquantance for calling my friend and I f..ing b...ches for helping his girlfriend out when she was upset. I guess I do not understand what is acceptable...

What do you all think of these situations?

Edited 3/29/2007 12:57 pm ET by kittee81




Edited 3/29/2007 2:02 pm ET by kittee81

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 11:51am

Here's my take on the situations.


First one, the sent message your DH hasn't opened yet. You asked if you should say something. To who? Doesn't matter the answer is no. Honestly, your BIL is a crude jerk right?! Your DH hadn't even seen it, and so you can't say something to him because he can't help what his brother sends him. Why bother saying something to his brother about it, as he's a crude jerk he won't give a rats ass and you'll come off as the controling naggy wife, which doesn't endear you to your DH now does it?!


Second one, them calling him all the time at work. If your DH wants it to stop he'll tell them to stop because he can't talk. Just because you don't call and you respect his work time doesn't mean they have to. Especially when they're not told to stop by him. Instatute a "NO CALL" time, after which there are no calls taken. Example, after 7pm there are no more calls, it is you and DH time with

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:53pm

You think calling a woman a bitch is ever approprate. Especially to a brother about his wife. I think you are seriously wrong. It is never appropriate to call any woman a bitch. How would you like it if your husband let his brother call you a bitch.

He was calling about why my DH and myself were ignoring my MIL. Here is what he called
me a bitch for, when I think he should be looking at the behaviour of the main woman in his life.

I got married about eight months ago and my MIL was a bully, manipulative, controlling, and would not take no for an answer. My fiancé would not handle his mother or let me. He said he would and then things would blow up. His mom even had the nerve to verbally attack me on my wedding day. She wanted control over family pictures; said they did not have enough guests invited even though they invited 130; kept pushing to invite her alcoholic brother who threatened to kill her husband and son, came after me and pushed her down to the ground; kept pushing to invite children to the wedding even though my fiancé and I had chosen not to have children under ten at our wedding because it was a night wedding and to save money; the list goes on and on. The woman would not take no for an answer. When my mom explained I was getting frustrated about wedding stuff and I wasn't a person who forgives easily and will not be told what to do or be pushed around, SHE PUFFED HER CHEST UP AND SAID I AM A HARDHEADED CZECH WOMAN and I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT and started laughing. She even told my mom I think Morgan has met her match. She thinks everything is fixed with a laugh and a smile.

I should have known then to call off the wedding. They are a big Catholic family; however, we chose not to marry in the Catholic Church because my family and I are not and my fiancé did not want to marry in the Catholic Church (he also is not big into being Catholic; he wishes he wasn't). She was furious and still pushes the issue about converting and raising our future children Catholic. She even tried to have a Priest come marry us at the hotel even after I said no; knowing good and well a Priest will not marry outside the church. She thought she could bully a Priest into coming to a hotel or find a wayward Priest.

After the wedding, things have not changed. MY MIL even had the AUDACITY to say that "everything was my fault" and "she is who she is." "It was me and my husband that we being unreasonable." Never mind it was our wedding. She blames other bad behavior on other people asking her to ask us.

Edited 3/29/2007 12:59 pm ET by kittee81




Edited 3/29/2007 1:00 pm ET by kittee81
Avatar for judym13930
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 1:28pm

I would never think of opening up my DH's mail, cell phone messages, go in his wallet, or log into anything of his. If he got into my business like that I would be furious and feel that he had no respect for my privacy or trust. Does he mind that you do that?

For a guy or brother (married or not) to send another guy a picture or anything like you describe is so normal, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Why would this bother you? I really don't get it. - I'm not trying to be combative but do you feel threatened by it?

I also can't understand why it bothers you that his family calls him at work. He can tell them if he is busy. I know you are married but you seem to be way too much in all of his business. I mean tracking how many times his family calls? That's just wierd.

My advice is give the guy a break and some space of his own. Again, I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you seem so absolutely smothering and it must be miserable for you to have to do so much work tracking and checking- not to mention how draining it must be on DH.

You say your DH doesn't care about all the calls and if he doesn't care then why should you?

I think you are making way too much out of everything and although it is not and never is right to be called a "b", your behavior seems to be pointing that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:22pm

So your BIL went off on you for being unfair and treating MIL badly and called you a B, and then your husband defended you regarding your treatment of MIL but not on you being called a B. Is that right?

If I'm understanding you right, then I think that your husband did a good job in defending you on the MIL issue. Focus on that and not how he reacted or didn't react over some trivial name calling. While calling someone a name like that isn't right, it's something that most adults brush off when they have bigger issues at hand. And you do.

I understand that you are still angry about what happened at the wedding and I can't blame you for that. Your in-laws seem rather violent unfortunately. But you seem to have let it take over your life and behavior: checking your husband's cell phone, taking a nude picture so seriously, and worrying about the trivial aspects of his career. I think you have lost perspective.

Your husband is doing some things right (that's if I'm reading your post correctly). Thank him for that and ask him what the 2 of you should do now given how bad the situation has gotten. Are there solutions? Or different ways of handling things? Where do you go from here? Start working at this as a team.

Good luck. :)

http://www.paganedge.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:34pm

I agree...I do look at the small things, but it is hard when your DH has hurt you in so many ways and the built up anger eats you sometimes. It is hard to describe in a couple of posts the whole history, but things have been rather weird. I do not think I exlained the whole situation very well so I will try to clarify to you and to the previous posters. I know I have to pick my battles, but sometimes my DH doesn't fix the right ones. Thanks for opinion Revolutions.

I do not check his cell phone all the time or everyday...I just happened to last night and no he doesn't mind. He plays with my phone as well.

I do not think it is appropriate to send the picture his brother sent, but maybe you would have to know his brother and would have had to seen the picture. My brother would never send a picture like this to him or to me. It is called morals and values and respect. The picture was a soft core porn.

The only reason it bothers me that his family calls him at work is because I have a no call at work rule and yes if my husband doesn't tell them to stop calling his cell while at work there is nothing I can do. I realize the rest of the world doesn't follow these rules; however, my husband has stated to me that some of his fellow co-workers have complained about his phone calls. My Dh is just too much of a wimp to tell them to stop. Where my DH work is a nuclear palnt and it is run military style so phone calls are looked down upon. My DH is a big boy though, I just want to protect our future. So sue me.

Do I harp on it or tell my husband anything...no. My husband simply is blind as far as his brother and his mom are concerned and I wanted a little support no I am acting like the crazy one. My point was I thought all of the behavior was a little weird and a little abnormal....not that I harp on it or give my husband grief. I trust him mostly...but where his mother is concerned he doesn't have the best track record protecting me from her wrath and "b"ness. He falls for her hook line and sinker.

I am not the one acting like a "b" he knows nothing of my annoyance with the phone calls except when his bro calls my house at 5:30 in the morning on Saturdays. I am not snoopy or suspicious...I just thought the message was a little weird...and I DO NOT trust my BIL. He is trouble with a capital T




Edited 3/29/2007 2:36 pm ET by kittee81
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:53pm

Thanks for clearing that up. It's hard to give and get the full picture on a message board like this. ;)

Would your husband agree to counseling? Your husband might benefit from getting opinions about his family from a 3rd party. If he won't, would you go to a counselor on your own? Learning how to handle your anger at him and this situation might allow you to think more clearly about things and know where to proceed.

http://www.paganedge.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:04pm

I want to go see a counselor and my DH said he would go but he would like to see if things will get better on there own. I do not see that happening because we both need to learn to understand each other better, I need to help release frustration, and I think he needs to learn to see himself more of a husband than a son/brother/grandson/nephew/cousin. Money is a little tight, but I see things getting better on that front really soon, so maybe in the next month or so.

Thanks for your support and I am glad I cleared things up. Sometimes it is so hard to get out what you are thiking and feeling while typing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:39pm

B.I.T.C.H

Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Craving, Honorable

Oh well, I would laugh in bil's face for calling you that. He might just be feeling a little jealous that his brother is married and might not have as much time for him, or has been getting more attention then him for being the newly wed. Which is why he also probably sent that test msg~knowing you might see it. Not that it makes it all okay for his remarks, but you or dh can't control what he does. Somethings are just not worth stressing over and it sounds like bil is someone that isn't worth your time or energy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:44pm
I think yes it is wrong of BIL to send your husband naked pictures. Joking or not its not funny he is a married man and married men should only be seeing their wife naked and not pictures of anyone else! Also I dont think its wrong to have looked in your husbands phone. DH and I share everything phones, emails exc. Its not a matter of not trusting one another its a matter of why would we keep anything from one another? We are a married couple and whats mine is his and whats his is mine its always been that way and always will be your spouse is the one perosn who you are suppose to share everything with and I dont see how some people think its ok not to. But I guess thats what makes the world go round everyones opinions!
As far as the phone calls. Yes DH needs to be able to tell them no or simply not awnser. Have you tried talking with DH and telling him that you just dont want to see anything happen to loose his job? Since he has made comments about co-workers not appriciating the phone calls and how strick his job sounds it sounds like he feels the same way. Unfortunatley you cant tell BIL and MIL not to call him but DH can just tell him exac tly how you feel and what worries you in a sweet way.
Im sorry BIL called you that it sounds like BIL maybe a mommy's boy sticking up for her when it isnt even his business, if he was trying to help make family peace that would be one thing but by calling his SIL that obviously that wasnt his intention! From what I can hear it sounds like you need to have a serious, nice, calm, honest talk with your husband letting his know that it is important to you that are you both on the same page as things and that he is always on your side becuase you are a team and you are a family and that is what you do. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 4:41pm
Thank you so much for your support. I think you totally understand where I am coming from and my intentions. I have tried calmly talking to Dh, but he just doesn't like subjects about MIL or BIL so he just shuts down. Or sometimes about somethings he will say I don't understand why you are upset it isn't a big deal...but if I am talking to him about something it is to me. My Dh just doesn't get mad at anything...and I mean anything. He doesn't let anything bother him and he thinks I should be built that way too. He thinks if it doesn't bother him then it isn't important and that is wrong...but I am not sure how to get him to open up about the things that bother me even if they aren't about his family, but I especially want him to be concerned when it is because he should want me to at least tolerate them and not hate or be frustrated by them completely.

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