An Inlaw Vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
An Inlaw Vent
Thu, 11-21-2013 - 5:22am

So I can and have removed myself farther and farther away from DH's side of the family, I've posted in the past how vindictive they are and how cold they are to him, me and our children.  His mother is in her 70s and his dad just turned 80 and they are blessed wtih good health.  His mother writes about her grandkids on fb, she shoots them supportive posts but doesn't do the same for our children (two of them are connected with her there).  I tell my kids to be kind to her and sadly, fb is the only way they stay in touch.  Her other grandchildren are older and maybe there are bigger life events there than the school age stage my own kids are at, But to me and only IMO, It is conditional and I wish she knew what that looks like.  She doesn't even remember their bds.  I know I shouldn't let it bother me and personally, it doesn't, But it's my kids I think of and how caring they are of people that aren't getting the same in return from people that assume this role as "family". 

And here we are with the holidays just around the corner, Happy Thanksgiving to you, We are so thankful to have you in our lives, Gawd. 

Ok, vent over and thanks for reading. 







iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 11-22-2013 - 9:45am

I'm sorry to hear that. I would only put in as much effort as I get. I wouldn't keep putting their granddparents names and faces in your kids minds and having them write notes to people who don't even remember their b-days. That would be a reminder that they're putting in an effort to people who could care less. Out of sight, out of mind. I'm sure they get attention and love from your side of the family, and they won't miss what they never had on the other side. When they grow up, if they ask, just tell them maybe something bad happened to them that made them that way, and it's a shame. It's their loss.

If they haven't posted anything on your fb for a year, delete them. The reminder that they're posting to everyone else and not your family only puts negativity in your life. Who needs that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2013
Fri, 11-22-2013 - 4:08pm

Your frustration is understandable and I'm sorry you've had this tension with your in-laws for what sounds like awhile. The good thing is that you and your husband seem to be on the same page and his parents' choices are not causing division in your marriage. Unfortunately, like it or not, you are still connected and not all interactions will be positive. Sometimes all you can do is be gracious and expect nothing in return.

As for connecting on Facebook, I have no way of knowing if your in-laws' partiality is intentional or if they're even aware of it. Do you all live fairly close or are they able to be more involved in the older grandkids' lives due to location? Do your kids have any interest in going to Grandma and Grandpa's without you?

If get-togethers are stressful, can you meet at a neutral place for a meal? Just throwing out some ideas. Holidays can be stressful even when families get along. Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations and have to create our own unique positive memories. I wish you all the best.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 1:46pm

Very nice post and so sorry that your inlaws are like this. Mine are so very similar.  Age wise in their 70's but this favortism thing has been going on since the kids were little and my oldest is 22.  It won't change.  It won't be the bigger things that the acknowledge - It does hurt as a parent because we all know that the relationship between a grandparent and a child should be a special/ magical one.  But maybe that's what we are told in the story books because my poor kids had none of that from really either side.   There were a few moments we hold on to - but even worse for my youngest.  He's not seen anything with regards to a special grandparent.

I don't know what to tell you.  On one side you could just accept it and move on with your life and find other way for your kids to enjoy the bond of an older family member or even friend (like through church etc).  Or, you could explain to your inlaws how hurtful it is and hope that they make an effort.

My guess, is that you've tried the second option and nothing changed.  

That's what happened in our family - so we just move on with our lives and really have no interaction with DH's amily

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Tue, 11-26-2013 - 9:34am
Thanks for the kind posts. And you're right summergirl, I don't think it's going to matter what in life or what event my kids experience, the favortism is obvious! I didn't buy a card for them this year and this is the first time I've not done that, When Thursday comes we can all wish Happy Thanksgiving greetings on facebook.