inlaws HATE me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
inlaws HATE me
22
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 10:56pm
My inlaws have NEVER liked me. Don't know why, they just never have. Last year they planned a trip with my SIL's and their families on my daughter's 1st birthday. GRRRR. Since then we continue to have problems. They are Constantly doing things with SIL's and their families and rarely do things with ours. They even dismissed my husbands and my 5 year anniver. Mind you they had dinner parties for the SIL's and sent a card with money to my BIL and his wife on theirs. To make things even more upsetting, my BIL and his wife are expecting their first child in July. It is a boy and my FIL is soooo excited he can hardley contain himself and probably peed his pants with joy when he found out. When we had our son my inlaws were at the circus with my SIL's and thier kids. When we had our second they were less than enthused and told anyone that would listen that there was no way we could afford it. GRRRR. How do I deal with these people? I do I get past the anger and resentment that has built up and continues to build?

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cmomgo80
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 6:27am

It sucks to be ignored, not liked and have others favored so blatantly.

Here is what I would do. Ignore them. Disengage. Don't contact them about anything, don't send photos, act like they don't exist. Sounds like they wouldn't miss you anyway. I would not keep trying. Because your child is going to notice and get very hurt. So, let them have their "golden child" and her little family. Since they ignore you guys and act like like you don't exist, let them have their wish. No more son, DIL and grandchild.

Their loss, honey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
In reply to: cmomgo80
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 9:18am
All too familiar. I know exactly how you feel. I have been going through this for 15 years now. I have to say I used to tell them how I felt for years. The got a kick out of getting to me. My husband has never said anything to them and always told me not to say a word to them because they will never change and if you let them know they get to you, they will do it even more and his is exactly right! My BIL has always been the favorite, an EXTREME favorite. A little worse situation than yours.I would suggest first, to kindly go to them with your husband and tell them what is bothering you. If they are like my in-laws and could care less, go your own way. If your DH makes you go to gatherings, then I suggest you go. If he says it's okay if you don't go, don't go, he gave you the okay not to. I feel that if they love you and your family and care about your feelings, you would be treated kindly and with respect, right? You can also think of it this way, if they did like you, you would be like them, hurtful, inconsiderate, thank god you are not,it takes a while, but for me after about 15 years of it, getting worse and worse, I finally accepted that I am not liked, nothing I can do can fix how they feel. They are spiteful, manipulative and intentionally hurtful. We refuse to have our children and ourselves in the middle of that kind of environment, after years of this treatment, you grow to learn that sometimes family is your worst enemy! I wish you growth and boldness and grace to deal with this. Thanks for listening!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: cmomgo80
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 9:44am
Oh gosh, that's a tough one, I know how you feel about them planning things with your sister in laws on your kid's bday and stuff. My son's first birthday party, we had reserved for months in advance, mother in law and sister in law decided to plan sis in law's wedding for that day! So we had to call and change our reservations and everything just to fit around their stupidness. I was so pissed, how could they have just outright forgotten about his birthday?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: cmomgo80
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 9:46am
I agree here too with mom2danjam, there's nothing that gets under people's skin worse than being ignored. They will soon see it and it will bother and hurt them just as much as they've hurt you. It truely will be their loss.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: cmomgo80
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 12:07pm
Thanks for your reply. I wish it were that easy. One of my SIL's lives in the same town that we do and the other one lives five miles away. The same thing goes with my inlaws, they live 7 mins from our house. The problem lies in that my husbands niece will be in the same class as my daughter. What do I tell her when her cousin comes to school and tells her about what she got to do with Grandma and Grandpa and our family was left out? The situation has been a lot worse in the past, as far as my inlaws bad mouthing me to family friends. It would be easier for me to disengage from them, but I worry about my children. They love their grandparents. Thanks again for your reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: cmomgo80
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 12:15pm
As I told mom2danjam, my inlaws all live near me. My husband's nieces and nephews will all be in the same school district, one of them going to school with my youngest. This has been going on for 8 years now. 8 years too long. I have tried to ignore them, and recently have become very snappy towards some of their behaviors, which they seem to somewhat respond too. It just stinks knowing that my all of my husband's other nieces and nephews will always be favored over my children. And it is their loss, my kids rock. We have a birthday party this weekend to attend at the one SILs house. Wish Me luck and hope I don't go postal.(Just joking!)
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cmomgo80
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 2:13pm

Tell your children that sometimes people favor others. That Grandma and Grandpa have problems and that sometimes, their cousins will get to do more than they will.

You can still disengage. They will learn what is what.

As far as your ILS badmouthing you to other people, I would confront them and tell them that it is unacceptable. That since they ignore you, except to disparage you to others, that you suggest they go back to their little pathetic world where SIL is the golden child and leave you alone.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cmomgo80
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 2:17pm

Okay, now you have my curiosity piqued.

If your inlaws are so nasty to you and ignore your children, WHY on Earth would you even bother to go to the party?

Sure your kids may be disappointed not to go, but I would rather there be disappointment than blatant outright favoritism going on right in their faces.

Kids are fairly resilient. They can be told that even with family, some people are nice and others are not.

If you continue to take the abuse, they will continue to inflict it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
In reply to: cmomgo80
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 8:22pm
I must say that you're not the only one with inlaws that hate you. My MIL hates me to this day. the reason~ I don't let people run over my DH. I stand up for my DH and let no one treat him like crap. I am very protective of my husband. He has a very crappy mom to this day She plays favorites with my SIL and neices. I don't and can't stand the fact that she does it. My Dh has back surgery several months ago. She didn't do crap for him. She didn't even volunteer. To make things worse. My DH and I live 3 mins from my SIL and her family. WE never see them, accept at church and that is only briefly. My son looks at my SIL as if she is a stranger. Needless to say, my DH and I have decided that it is best my our family if we move. So, we have decided to move AWAY from them. It sucks. I must say that the IL's are the one's missing out. NOT ME.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: cmomgo80
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 10:13am
We are going to the party because we are taking my husband's grandmother. She and my husband's other grandrents notice the favortism. My husband's family is very strange. They do talk to me, and will be nice to my face, but my husband and I don't divulge any information that could give them ammo to talk about us. My one SIL is very jealous and just crazy. Everyone in that family has money, except for us, and my husbands brother and his wife, so they think that we are jealous of them and what they have. Little do they seem to know that money doesn't make you happy, and they are all living proof. I may not have a lot, but I am happy. My husband says that that is why they don't like me. That and they take turns disliking people. For a while it was my husbands aunt, then it was my BIL, then it was our turn. My MIL, FIL, and both of my SIL and thier husbands are like a high school click. So, not that I have rambled on, we are taking my husband's grandma because she wants to go. We could just drop her off, but I worry about being rude. Oh, and right now my kids are only 3 1/2 and 1 1/2, so they don't see these things yet. Thanks for you replies and understanding:)

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