Irritated by MIL

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Irritated by MIL
8
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 4:39pm

 

 

 

Soliel
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 4:53pm

Well, I would say that as long as she is not verbally abusive or mean, take it with a grain of salt and remember that one day you too, will be elderly.

I know some elderly and delightful and some....well....not so much.  

What does you DH say about it?

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 4:56pm

I don't think her views have anything to do with her intelligence. It may be that in saying 'young people shouldn't be sick' etc. she's not trying to dimiss your problems; sounds more like its her way of being sympathetic. Or perhaps she senses that you don't enjoy her company and don't really want to chit chat with her and that you're just doing it out of obligation. Or maybe she doesn't enjoy your company, doesn't want to chit chat and is just doing it out of obligation. At any rate, it seems you feel she's unintelligent and not your equal and I'm sure that comes across loud and clear to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 5:34pm

Hi.  Appreciate your thoughts. She has no clue how I really feel.  If she did she wouldn't be calling me everyday. I am actually nice, very warm and ask her tons of questions to get her talking. I have given her tons of my time because she is elderly and needs it and it's a nice way to give back.  I try to lift her up, listen to her,etc   I can't help not being really into talking to her.  I do my best to bring in all sorts of topics and she just doesn't respond or get it.  I do my best to talk as long as a possible about what she wants to talk about but it's hard...it's the same old stuff, nothing new and all about her life 60 years ago (she live sin the past).   I do think you are right that is how she is trying to show sympathy.  Normally don't react to her...just when she gets into those comments I do.  I guess then I'll just quietly get off the phone when she starts saying stuff like that.

I won't be like her. I know many ladies her age and above who are much more current, more interested in the world around them and simply have more initiative in life. I won't be like her because I am not her.

Soliel
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 8:20pm

I am sure your condesending attitude bleeds into your voice and conversation.  She is not stupid.  She calls you every day because she is lonely, depressed, possibly early Alzheimers, and you are better than nothing.

God tends to pay us back based on what we are, rather than what we say we are.  I hope you remember that when you are elderly, lonely, depressed and early Alzheimers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 8:28pm

I couldn't agree with you more, Sabrtooth!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 10:56pm

You are judging me way too quick without knowing.  I am actually very kind and warm to her when she calls.  I actually answer her calls when everyone else does not. I talk to her more than her own son!   I only don't care to speak to her when she gets in a judgy mood and dismisses everyone's suffering but her own.  She is actually quite self-centered and lacks understanding.  This does not make it fun to relate to her.  If she showed a bit more empathy others would enjoy talking to her more.  No one likes a judgemental person who dismissees the other person.   Everyone else is either paid to hang out with her or it's her son hanging out with her.  I am sorry if it offended you when I commented on her intelligence but it's the truth.  It doesn't mean she is a bad person but it does make a difference in relating.  The woman has no self awareness.  She is more into talking about people and things rather than ideas.  Even the people and things she talks about is boring.  We have gotten her reading material to read and share with us....anything than the regular stories from 60 years ago. Anything to make her more current.  She refuses to try even if it makes relating to her own son more pleasurable. She'd rather have us all endure her than her pick up an article!  She is not into growth whether it's mental or spiritual or anything else. She has no initiative because most of her life she followed a man to have him decide her days.  Don't fault me for making these observations. And NO I know lots of 80+ ladies who are much more current, interesting and intelligent.   And I am honest with her.  I am more honest than the others who just coddle her.  I tell her to just allow people to feel how they want to feel without her telling them they shouldn't be.  If she takes it in she'll be much more pleasant to talk to. Even the older ladies who live near her get this. They get to just listen without judging.  Just listen.

I think I am spending too much time with her. I think what I need to do is when she gets judgy...to just get off the phone.  Thanks for not understanding.

You know you were really judgemental of me not realizing that I give more to her than everyone else. The only one who gives more is her son. Everyone else has put her on call blocking. Excuse me for having feelings.  It happens when you are dealing with a self centered old person. 

 

Soliel
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 05-29-2014 - 6:07pm

I think there is a middle ground of empathizing with an elderly person that may very well be in the early stages of dementia and still being a person with feelings and leaning how to not take it personally and yet know when it is time to leave or get off of the phone.  

It sounds like the two of you are just two people that generally don't enjoy eachothers company.  Maybe viewing it that way will help.  Not about age, or she is your MIL, you two are just different.  

With that said, since it sounds like she not harming or hurting you, I think you just need to find a way to accept her exactly the way she is and work to find the good in all of this.  

This is an opportunity for you to be of service.  You do this because you love your DH.  You do this because it is the right thing to do.  Say a prayer before talking to her and ask for guidence, tollerance and acceptance.  

Don't get me wrong, I don't do well with the elderly or children.  I could never be a day care provider,  home health worker or any kind of medical professional.  But I used to suck it up and go see my xH's grandmother all of time.  Granted, she was a wonderful, kind woman, but I had to do things sometimes that I really didn't want to do.  But I sucked it up and did it anyways.  

Good luck and I hope a little prayer will help you through this.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2014
Thu, 08-21-2014 - 3:45am

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