It has been a very sad week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
It has been a very sad week.
16
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 1:11am

My old neighbor who I was very friendly with died this week after a long battle with Cancer. She has 4 grown kids. The oldest is a mess that is general knowledge. Anyway.

Three years ago my friend turned Catholic. She was baptized, and made her first communion and several times had the last rites performed on her. As her friend who also has cancer we talked about when we would die and what we wanted. We both agreed we wanted cremated and laughed at the places where we wanted our ashes spread. See two people with Cancer can talk like that to each other.

We also talked about how our kids never really kept in contact. The oldest child she hadn't seen in years. They never got along since she was a teenager. The one son was out of town and I really don't know about the other two. But none of the kids were raised Catholic That was something that for years my friends wanted to be.

To make a long story short. It is our right as a Catholic to be taken to Church. And have the Mass for the Dead said for us. When some of the distance relatives and myself found out instead of the kids taking their mother's ashes to Church They were going to have a "party" next Sunday at a local bar. We were beside ourselves.

Personally I tried to talk to the oldest Girl Her answer was it is not what I believe. So what. Mother liked a party so we are going to have a party. We all like parties but as a Catholic when we die we go to church.

Since my son doesn't do anything for us and has to hide the fact he calls us from time to time now because of his wife. She hates us for really no good reason. This whole thing with my friends daughter upset me. Because in my heart I know that if my daughter in law has anything to do with it I will never see or my ashes will never see the inside of a Catholic church. They will most likely end up in the toilet somewhere.

My husband will see to my wishes. But what if he can't do it. I have been going nuts all week I love my son with my whole heart but I do not trust him since he met his wife. She has taken away his back bone. Finally last night I called a friend that is also Catholic and made him promise me even if he had to steal my ashes and take them to Texas I am in Kentucky I wanted to go to Church and have the Mass of the dead said for me. . He promised me he would.

I know that there are a lot on this board that have different religious backgrounds..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2011
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 11:48am

You can add your funeral/burial directions into your will and/or into a letter attached to yoru will stating your request.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 3:11pm

it is the people or daughters and son and daughter in laws that carry out request. If they hate their parents or in laws

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 11:35pm
Mary Ann,

I have 3 dd's, don't have anything to do w/2 youngest 1's. I've written out what I want done w/oldest dd. I've told her if my wishes aren't carried out pre this note, I will becoming back & haunting her until it's carried out (& if I could come back as a zobie I would LOL) I know I can trust her to follow thur for me. You could appoint someone outside of your DS to carry out your wishes. When I was a littlle girl, our family had former landlord of ours (we were living in their apt when I was born) we called them "Grandma/pa Sam" (their last name was Sampson) they had 3 dd's & had appointed my parents to carry out their buriel wishes. GPa had passed away when I was a teenager, grandma Sam was in a nursing home & begging my folks to come see her (I had just had my oldest DD) so they took her to see to see GrSam & she reminded them what she wanted. The next day she passed away--she just waited to see them before she passed. Her SIL was a local bigwig lawery & tried to take over. My folks had their instrutions & had to get their attorny involed, but they did what was asked of them. THE SIL was a real piece of work as I remember it (he was bad mouthing my folks to the chief of police in my hometown, he told the SIL what a jerk he was, my folks were good people)
~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 12:25pm

I'm sorry to hear about your friend/neighbor and sad that her final wishes are not carried out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 10-04-2011 - 6:09pm

I am SO sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Tue, 10-04-2011 - 10:14pm

Your friend's situation is very sad. Fortunately, she is with God and not around to see what her kids are doing. However, for you, I think the best option is to make your wishes known while you still can, and to make enough peace with your kids so that they will honor those wishes when you pass away.

My dad is dying of metastatic prostate cancer, and one thing he has been doing lately is to let us all know what he wants done after his death. At the same time, he's trying his best to make peace with each of us. We're all human and flawed, so this is never easy for anyone, of course!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Wed, 10-05-2011 - 11:44am

ashmama,

I'm sorry to hear about your dad - it is such a sad and difficult time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 1:54pm

first of all, im sorry for your loss. and for the fact that the kids do not wish to do what their mother would have wanted with her remains. my father in law has cancer-and he wishes there to be a Christian service done. he wishes to have a cross and prayers said. but he does not want a Catholic funeral. my mil, my dh and his 3 siblings (from my mil) are all Catholic. but my dh is respecting my fil wishes. cuz thats how it should be. i know someone already suggested this, but there has to be a way to make your wishes known. i would write out a "plan" so to speak so that your kids know what you want and if your dh goes before you, you can hopefully be guaranteed what you want. start planning for your funeral-i know its morbid and hard-but at least that way you know what you want and youll get it. my fil has already picked out his casket, the music, the flowers, and his outfit. hes also saving up money for it. all the kids know his wishes and are going to abide by them. personally, i think it sucks that you have to do that cuz i believe your kids should respect your wishes regardless and shouldnt let other people manipulate them into doing something else...BUT i know how it can be to deal with a loved ones passing and then have a strong willed person talking in your ear and telling you you should do things this way, not that way. when my step fil passed-my sil wasnt going to play 1 particular song he wanted played-until i mentioned it. he had mentioned several times how much he wanted unchained melody played-and it was played, cuz i brought it up. he passed without any written "instructions" on what he wanted so we were guessing but i knew he wanted that song...anyway, again sorry for your loss...
joanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 10:35am

I think it's great that your FIL has picked out his casket and that you know about it. It's such a morbid subject and too many people don't

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 2:12pm
Ashmama,

are you here in Western WA too? I live in the Tacoma area
~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.

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