Just and update...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Just and update...
5
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 12:21pm

So, I wanted to keep everyone in the loop of the fall out after the letter cutting the inlaws out of my life and DS's life.

No - of course they would not try to contact me at all but they've tried to contact DH and he's not responded.  Except that 2 weeks ago he got a call from sil saying that fil was having serious tests done and spent the day in the hospital and guilted him like he should have responded (only he didn't know so he couldn't have).  He finally spoke with her about it a week later and he said outside (driving home from work) on the call and then about 30 minutes came in side - still talking to her.  I knew he was on the phone to her I could hear her doing most of the talking.  She was defending the parents etc. saying that it was all on us.  We should be the ones to ask them to come over, we should be the ones to ask them to see the kids, we should be the ones that did this and that etc.  He stood his ground but he isn't as "to the point" as I was so I asked him to let me speak to her.  I laid it out for her plain and simple so she could understand that it wasn't our responsibility.  I won't go into all the stuff but suffice it to say that when we were done - I felt like she was on our side more and she said that she was going to confront her parents on some of these things because they were't right.  Well, she also wanted to know if they apologized to us would that change anything.  I said that maybe but depending on the apology and their acceptance of guilt and that it had to be in written form.  I explained that I didn't want to hash this out anymore but that if they finally accepted responsibility for these things and vowed to change that I'd keep an open mind.

 

Well, the call ended well but I told my DH that when she confronted them they would chew her up and spit her out.  Meaning I knew that mil would never admit to anything.  So, the following day, sil sent an email - it was a generic foward on safety tactics.  I replied and thanked her for the talk and said some really nice things to her.  I also invited them over to our son's bday on Wednesday etc.  and that was now 5 days ago and no reply.

 

Well - you can't say that I haven't tried.... 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 3:44pm

Demanding an apology in writing is just poking them in the eye with a sharp stick.    Keep them out of your life if that's what works for you, but waving a red cape in front of an angry bull is just plain silly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 10:25am

Silliesadie,

 

Just so you know - I've not made any contact with any of them since sending the "cut off" letter.  I don't plan on it.  But, my sil wanted to have them calll us to apologize and I said that this would not work.  Any type of apology in my eyes must be done in writing because I know that passive aggressive people are unable to put things in writing.  If I refused any options at all with my sil then she would once again think that I am the evil one.

 

I am not poking any one or pushing this any further with them.  When you cut someone off - you've obviously come to the conclusion or your should at least that this is it.

 

By the way, DS (youngest's bday was on Wednesday) and even though there is a cut off and has been for over a month - mil had to send out a card to DS to arrive on his birthday acting as if nothing was wrong.  Isn't that passive aggressive poking in the eye? 

 

Any thoughts?  I just put the card away but part of me wanted to "return to sender".

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 4:10pm

That is the same kind of things my MIL does... Yes I agree with you in sending the letter and letting SIL know that you are willing to try but at your own rules.  You have that right in my opinion.  I also agree that passive/aggressive people have a hard time writing in letters. I think it is because they will be held accountable for those words in that letter.  They like to "play" games and act like they have done nothing, when they know exactly what they did.  They want you to "prove" they did what ever you said they did and sometimes it can be hard to do...hence why they do it.

I think you are just putting the ball in their court like you should.  In my situation, my MIL is doing the exact same thing...acting/wondering why she can't see her grandson.  As if she has done nothing wrong.  Then the guilt will start to poor in as she tries to place blame on everyone else (me in this case).  As long as you had to deal with her nonsense, you and your family deserve a break from them. 

I really don't know why inlaws try so hard to make things miserable for us. But when in their own situation, they would not stand for any of it being thrown to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Re: Just and update...
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 4:18pm

Sorry for responding so late, but I have been thinking on your post.

I don't recall having "the talk" with my son.  It seemed to be so obvious to everyone, except the one set of grandparents, that it was a given.  

How much do you think your son knows about the situation now?  

Are you still insisting on a written apology?  What do you think about Sadie's idea of keeping the money for a college fund?

I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 4:34pm

I haven't talked with my son yet - but plan on it in a couple of weeks.  I'll let you guys know how it turns out.

This thing about the written apology....I'm not expecting anything from them.  I never asked for anything - based on my cut off letter, I think I made it clear that I'd put in too much time already and felt too much hurt, pain, anger and resentment to move forward. 

In a perfect world, they could apologize to me in a letter or email and I would read the letter with an open mind.  I think most of us can tell when someone is truly eager to make amends and start anew and when they are using the words to just continue to justify their own behavior. 

If I were a betting person, I'd bet lots of money that there would never, ever be an apology from my inlaws.  What I truly think will happen from this point on is that there will be some long time break from them completely on all of our parts.  But, I believe that due to age and other reasons, there will be (maybe in a year or so) a reconnection where my DH feels it is necessary to see them.  I believe that my DH will never truly forgive them for their behavior but he'll also understand that while the relationship can never be what he would like, that these are his parents and he'll have some contact with them. 

 

They'll know that they have no access to me or our home or our children (except the older ones have the choice to be around them at their home etc.).  That's how it will end up.  And, I've already excepted that DH will need to have some kind of relationship with them.  I will encourage that at sometime - but just don't have it in my now to even bring them up.  I say that he should have contact with them because that is how I feel.  To me, it is just like children of abusive or alcoholic parents,  while you wish that things could be different, were different etc. very seldom do you just complete disown them due to their inability to change.   I believe that is what will happen.

 

Because I never had anything really of "emotional value" from them then it is this simple for me to walk away from such a damaging relationship.  And, because they've done nothing to add emotional value to my youngest son's life - I am okay with keeping them from him as well.