Just more of the same....

Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008
Just more of the same....
9
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 12:30pm

Hi ladies,

I just wanted to tell about a recent thing on the IL's front.

Avatar for 3togetready
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-1999
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 1:37pm

First I think I would ask your sister not to tell you things that she sees on facebook from your ILs. Instead of trying to be funny, to me it seems like she is just stiring the pot and making you upset. I don't think I would lower myself and say a snarky comment to sil about the pictures. Did you really want to go? If she would have invited you then you would have had to go see inlaws that you would rather stay away from. I would take it as she did you a favor (not on purpose)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 4:04pm

Got to say you & I sound so much alike at times. I think you called me a" People pleaser"~~I understand how y'all feel too.

I would ask your sister to unfriend the in-laws or put them on a very limited list so she can't see what their doing all of the time. But I've got to agree she sounds like she was stirring the pot to me too.

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 9:18pm
You have done enough for your ILs. Forget about them & enjoy your freedom.

12 mths ago, I was exactly where you were except I am on facebook & I saw the pictures posted of 3 birthday parties over 4 wks all with captions like "having a great time with all my siblings", "what a wonderful family party, everyone was there". My DH & I weren't invited to any of these parties of his siblings. Like you I did everything for my ILs including hosting 90% of all family celebration without any contribution from them. DH never reacted the same way as I did when they would "forget" to invite us or "forget" to let us know when they decided not to come one of our events. He just never wanted much to do with them.

Last March, I decided that after 36 yrs I had enough of them & their rudeness. I know I'm a slow learner but as an only child, I wanted a big family. I decided I was no longer inviting them to my home. I have seen them once since March and that was at my daughter's wedding. Normally, I would have had them for my husband's birthday, a summer bbq & Xmas as a minimum in a year. Then if anyone had a special birthday, I would also host that. My husband has a special birthday this year & originally wanted to invite them then decided against it. So I figured I wouldn't see them until May 2013 when my DS#2 gets married. However, he wants an engagement party & wants his aunts, uncles & cousins invited. So I may have to see them this summer.

I have never felt so free & relaxed. I don't feel guilty at all. DS#1 has a relationship with DH's youngest brother (who DH can't stand) & both he & DD have one with an aunt (DH's youngest sister). I have one with my niece but these relationships aren't based on family but rather common interests in things we never do or talk about at family events.

Continuing to interact with them will only bring you more pain & conflict between you & DH. Walk away & enjoy the freedom! See if they notice. If my ILs have noticed, they have never called to discuss.

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Thu, 02-16-2012 - 3:31pm
Summer - allow yourself to be released from these people. Seriously. They sound sooo awful based on the posts you've put up. Do not let them occupy the space that they do in your mind. Be proactive about kicking them out of your brain - even if it means telling your sister you don't want to hear about them. I don't think your sister is stirring the pot but I do think you should let her know that you don't want your conversations to be clouded by people that don't deserve our time and energy.

Also, one thing I've learned from my mom: Never expect people to treat you the way that you treat them. If you do, you will make yourself unhappy at some point in life. Try to be the best person you can be. Remember, no good thoughtful deed goes unpunished. We may think we're not getting our due because we are looking through a colored lens. The more I experience life and think about things, the more I'm convinced my mom is right (and the more happier I see myself.)

As for the snarky comment - forget it. What effect will the snarky comment have? Someone will get irrirated and then the cycle will continue. Is that what you want? Probably not. Don't give them any fodder, power...When you show people that you can thrive despite their efforts, that's the best payback.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008
Fri, 02-17-2012 - 10:46am

Everyone is so right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2001
Fri, 02-17-2012 - 2:39pm

Summer, you are right where I use to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
Mon, 02-20-2012 - 12:29pm
I have to piggy back on everyone that said that you don't need these updates from sister. You got off of FB for a reason, right? Well you are still kind of 'On it" in a way.

After cutting contact with my mom, my visits with her dad and mom were filled with talking about her...that's all they wanted to talk about. At first, I tolerated it because I wanted to be there for my grandma (my mom was giving her pure hell) but it pretty much defeated the purpose. If I wanted to hear and live the drama, I wouldn't have cut contact.

So I would definitely ask your sister to stop sharing these updates. Whether she defriend's them, that's completely her call but the least you can do is ask her to stop including you in it. I do understand that there is this little nosy part of you and you want to know the dirt, but is it really worth it? No.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008
Wed, 02-22-2012 - 9:40am

I absolutely agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 2:55pm

Snarky comment?