In Law advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2013
In Law advice
Fri, 06-14-2013 - 9:17pm

This is my second marriage, I am bi - racial and my husband is white. I have a child from a previous marriage who does not have anything to do with her biological father. My husband has been a father to her since I dated him. He is a wonderful man, which is the reason why I am torn. when i met my husband, his mother loved me. We got pregnant out of wedlock, but she didnt care, she wanted us to get married. That was all that was important to her. My husband was not the first son to get someone pregnant out of wedlock, one of his 2 brothers did at a younger age, but his mother didnt want them to get married. My MIL were very close. I loved his family including his brothers wives. They seemed to like me and accept my daughter until my MIL got sick. My MIL was hospitalizes and no longer attend family functions and that is when I noticed my SIL's and my husbands brothers were not as nice as they used to be. Comments were made out of my husbands ear shot.  Comments like " You sure like white meat" from one of my SIL in reffernce to my first husband being white. I was shocked at the language and did not reply to that comment. Other comments followed at the next family get together from my other SIL insulting my parenting skills. She told me that I fed my 6 week old son too much and that babies were like"dogs" and would over eat if offered food. These people belong to country clubs, successful and considered up and coming soclal climbers. I could not believe the mentality. I abruptly left that family gathering and took my children home. My husband stayed and did not respond to or address anything that went on. When he got home, I confronted him and told him how upset I was but did not cause a stir at the event because friend were at the gathering. I felt I deserved an apology from my SIL. My husband told me she apologized to him. I felt she should have apologized to me. The last comment I received from my SIL was at the funera;/wake for our MIL. She pulled me aside and told me that she thought I looked very nice. I thanked her but sensed it was a little condesending tone to her comment and responded " don't I always look nice". She looked at me and just said again " I thought you looked nice today". I know how to dress. I was in corporate for 15 years in a legal capacity and always dressed with good taste. Thats one of the reasons my husband was attracted to me. Our first date I wore a business suit because I wanted him to see me, not my body. This would not be the last straw. My BIL's have 5 children between them- 2 girls my daughters age. Christmas my family - hubby and kids- were invited to christmas at my SIL's home. When it came to gift giving time, I made sure to spend the same amount on each child. My daughter was given a $5 gift from Michaels while she watched the other girls open large boxes with 4 Hollister outfits in them. They were from the same SIL.  My daughter was very gracious as I taughter her to be. She accpeted the gift and said thank you and that she loved it. How do I know it came from Michales and how much it was? Because I bought her the same thing and used it as a stocking stuffer which she opened earlier that morning. It really was not about the price of the gift, but seriously, my daughter loves Hollister. A dress from Hollister runs easily $50 there were 3 outfits for each girl. The other gift that ALL children were to take part in was the planting of a family garden in the Spring. Each child got a packet of seeds to plant in the garden along with tools. Again, this included ALL of the children except my daughter. My daughter was a real trooper and maintained her composure even though she felt very left out. My husband again did not say anything or confront his brothers. I was ready to be done with Christmas at thier home ever again. The last straw came when 2 months later when my husband was invited to a boys weekend with his brothers in Vegas. It was for his brothers birthday. I had reservations of him going knowing what all goes on there and laid down ground rules of what behavior was accepted. I told him to go and have fun at the strip clubs, but lap dances were off limits. He came home 2 days later and as I was placing his clothes in the washer, noticed makeup on one of his shirts. I confronted him and he admitted that him and his brothers all got 45 minute private lap dances . I was ready to divorce my husband but didn't. I promised him that I would never tell the other wives what I knew.That all changed when me and one BIL got into a very heated exchange a year later when my husband was invited to yet another " boys night out". I told his brother that my marriage would not be ruined this way and his " Boys night outs" if strippers were included would not be tolerated. He said some very nasty things to me so I spilled the beans to the wives.  I emailed the wives and told them every detail about vegas. Needless to say I am hated by all. There are no more family get togethers, which is fine with me. But, I know my husband is not happy with this. He wants to be a family again, but I dont want my children, especialy my daughter hurt. I explained to him I would be like a firecracker ready to explode at any event with his family becasue I would be on guard.I know this is hurting him and have told him to go spend time with them without me. But, it bothers him when he sees them with their children at holdiays, but his children and family ( me) are not there. Sorry so long, but not sure what to do. Any suggestions?