In-law guilt trip
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| Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:19pm |
My husband and I have been married for nearly 6 months. Before we were married, we took possession of our first home and moved in. Big mistake-- inlaws were quite upset and rather rude to us. It was a stresstul time to say the least-- new house, wedding plans, plus work and school, not to mention the lack of support and respect received from his parents. So, after the wedding, things just "return to normal"-- ie, they start calling and wanting to be a part of our lives again, something that disappeared when we moved into the house. I was rather upset, and it was honestly a huge sore spot in our very young marriage. "My parents really aren't the type to apologise in words, but in actions" was his reply. Mine was "calling and inviting us for supper after two months of avoidance is not an apology, it's cowardice." So, in a rather lightly worded email, my husband, who is obviously genetically afraid of confrontation, says "we felt hurt and disrespected by your treatment of us" to which MIL replied "consider this email a great bit hug" (seriously, word for word what she wrote back)....
.... so life goes on. My husband and I have a really great marriage so far... except when the inlaws come into the picture. For example, MIL last minute invited us over for supper tonite, and we declined as we are in the middle of a huge winter storm. She then invited us friday, the day that my hub and I have been planning to get a tree and decorate our FIRST HOME for the FIRST TIME. Next week, I return to work full time, as well as begin my final exam schedule (I am also a university student), as well as take care of holiday baking, shopping, etc. My husband called her to decline, saying that we've been really busy and that none of the days she suggested would work. Then, she lays the guilt trip on my husband "Oh, so I guess we'll MAYBE get to see you at Christmas?" ... my husband, a notorious mama's boy, is now feeling guilty, and me, because I hurt when my husband hurts, and frustrated and feeling trapped.
We don't see his parents a lot, but in retrospect, nor do we see my parents a lot (if they come to town, I usually see them on my own) His parents live in town, but I don't think that's an excuse to have to spend extra time with them. I'm a private person, as is my husband. They make us feel guilty for not coming over, when we honestly receive an invite maybe once a month or so. Before we were married and the huge blow up occured, we spent quite a bit of time together. Because my husband travelled, he felt obligated to spend one of the two days he had home during a week with his parents and the other often working on his masters degree, which meant for me to be with my man, I'd end up spending every sunday with these people. Now, we have our own, settled (settling!) life, where to me, my family and my focal priority is my husband.
How do I set boundaries? Is it our fault we cannot make it when she invites us? Am I being unreasonable? I want both my husband and myself to have a healthy relationship with his parents (my parents and myself and husband get along wonderfully!), but I find it hard when each invite to spend time has a giant guilt trip attached. How can we tell them to stop guilting us and let us be without using the ever-so-desirable curse words I've been longing to scream at them ever since they made me feel like a scandalous tart for living with their son premaritally!
AAARRRGH!!!

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Debs, thanks for sugessting that book. I have Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward and it's helped alot. I just ordered When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You as that's my primary issue at the moment as well.
Zoot,
I suggest a book like the ones mentioned above. They can help you see more deeply into the issues and you can refer back to them as much as you need to.
Good luck and I need it too~
cbc
Just when I thought things might be calm for a while...
...This is my husband and my first Christmas together. We do, as many families do, the "every second year" policy. Last year was with my family, this year was supposed to be with his. However, my husband's brother and his wife (who live quite a ways away) are coming home and announced that her parents were making dinner and that we were all invited. My idea of my first Christmas was not spending it with someone else's family. So, my husband's side has a day set up for "Christmas" a few days before, followed by my family's celebration, and my hubby and I decided we were going to spend Christmas eve + day to ourselves... in our new house... doing what a "newly wed" couple should do-- start our own traditions! We were both really excited until last night...
...MIL announced that SHE was having Christmas dinner, and my hubby didn't argue and I was unfortunately not there to say anything. When hubby told me, I was of course upset. His reply was "I thought we'd have our own day if my mum wasn't making supper" but I thought, since we'd starting making a list of things we were going to do that day, discussing what I'd make for supper, etc, that we had already decided that we were staying home.
So now, as usual, because my husband cannot say no to MIL, I look like the bad guy. How do I handle this? I'm honestly so drained and frustrated now I don't know what to do. What if this continues when we have kids, and we're stuck dragging them anytime MIL says she wants us there. Haha, I just feel like more women should be warned before they get married about how crazy MIL's especially can be!
"So now, as usual, because my husband cannot say no to MIL, I look like the bad guy."
I think you might just have to accept and embrace "the bad guy". Seriously, whatever you do you're going to be the bad guy cause you married her boy, so why fight it? Unless you toe the line you'll be the bad guy, and is that really the way you want to live your life?
"What if this continues when we have kids"
That isn't a question. There is no "what if". It's GONNA happen. And it will drive you even more nuts than it does now, because she'll be telling you how to raise your kids.
I suggest first taking a deep breath. Then pick your battles. Is this one really so important to you, or is it not a big deal. Don't wrap it up in the grand scheme of things, but this one event, this one Christmas dinner, do you really want to argue it and do it yourself? If not, let it go. Take each situation and instance as it comes. If you do, if you really want this Christmas dinner, call up your MIL yourself and tell her "thank you so much for inviting us over. Unfortunately DH's-name-here was incorrect in saying we could attend. What other time or day would be good for us to get together?" That's it. You don't need to tell her why and if she asks you can say "we had previous plans, what other time or day would be good instead?" If she starts boarding that guilt trip simply and calmly say "we're sorry to dissapoint you, what other time or day would be good for us to come instead". That is it. Be polite and a broken record. Be "the bad guy" and wear it as a badge of honor, strength, and integrity.
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