In Law Troubles
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In Law Troubles
| Wed, 06-21-2006 - 9:23pm |
Hi All,
I am still new to this posting business so bare with me. I have a situation with my in laws that you wouldn't believe. I have in laws who insist on visiting without any limitations. I currently live 15 minutes away from them and for the past 3 years I have dealt with their visits and all their interference into my marriage. Things really got sticky Father's Day. We are eating out and her mom brings up that once we move, she wants to visit us once a month. I thought that my wife would handle things but boy was I wrong. As a result of the visiting comment, my wife becomes irritated because she knows that this is an issue with me. Instead of ending it while we were eating, she chooses to ignore it and bring it up while we are driving home. She mentions that she feels like she is in the middle of things because she doesn't want to hurt her mom's feelings but she knows how I feel about their excessive visiting. The supposive premise of their visits is to see the grandkids but I am like why don't they keep them then. I always get some kind of excuse why they don't. I say it is not a big deal, I will talk to your mom.
On Monday she sends me an email at work saying that she resents me and her mom for putting her in that situation. This was in response to me asking what she was cranky about the night before. I call her and ask how can she resent me for something that her mom did. I have even talked to her parents about their excessive visits and they seem to blow it off. We then decide that we need to talk to her parents about their visits. When we got home from work, we sit in the kitchen and talked about visiting and we agree so I thought that it would be okay for her mom to come up once every 3 months for a week. Well when we called her parents and started talking, my wife just put me out in the wind. She proceeds to tell her mom that she has no issues with her visiting once a month but I do. I was shocked and I felt so betrayed!!! Not even 5 minutes earlier we agreed to present a unified front and then she pulls this. So then her mom says "Oh it is you with the issue, then I don't have to see you. I will come up and stay on base and not see you then." I looked at my wife with pure frustration and she is just sitting there. I made the comment well mom I think once a month is excessive and if you come up and stay at a hotel or on the military base that would make me feel/look like I am being an a**hole. I would thinking maybe once for a week every 3 months. Her mom proceeds to say that I will do whatever you want and hangs up the phone. I am standing looking like what the hell is going on here, and then my wife father begins to talk and he says that his wife doesn't need permission to come up to visit and see her grandkids and that I am making an issue out of nothing. My wife didn't say anything. We hung up the phone and I asked my wife what the hell was that. She proceeds to say that there has been tension on her and her parents involving visiting and it was fine that now I was feeling the tension. Talk about a stab in the back from your wife.
As a result of Monday happenings, yesterday we had a fight about her folks and I told her I didn't appreciate the fact that we agreed to one thing and she goes and leaves me in the wind. She apologized for it and then I ask her to talk to her parents and clear things up and she says that I should do it because she doesn't have a problem with it and she isn't going to speak for me. When I tell her that there is too much tension between me and her parents she still doesn't care. I was so pissed that I slammed my hand on the counter top and then she starts saying that I am becoming violent and now she wants me to see an anger management counselor. I am so tired of her parents and I am at the point where I totally dislike them. I don't want anything to do with them. My wife says she is alright with tension but I don't think that she realizes what she just done but she avoid the issue about her parents and tries to focus on my anger problem. I need advice because I am about to tell her that our marriage will consist of only me and her and the kids as far as I am concerned. I am going to completely avoid any dealings with her parents from this point on. Am I wrong for wanting to do this?
I am still new to this posting business so bare with me. I have a situation with my in laws that you wouldn't believe. I have in laws who insist on visiting without any limitations. I currently live 15 minutes away from them and for the past 3 years I have dealt with their visits and all their interference into my marriage. Things really got sticky Father's Day. We are eating out and her mom brings up that once we move, she wants to visit us once a month. I thought that my wife would handle things but boy was I wrong. As a result of the visiting comment, my wife becomes irritated because she knows that this is an issue with me. Instead of ending it while we were eating, she chooses to ignore it and bring it up while we are driving home. She mentions that she feels like she is in the middle of things because she doesn't want to hurt her mom's feelings but she knows how I feel about their excessive visiting. The supposive premise of their visits is to see the grandkids but I am like why don't they keep them then. I always get some kind of excuse why they don't. I say it is not a big deal, I will talk to your mom.
On Monday she sends me an email at work saying that she resents me and her mom for putting her in that situation. This was in response to me asking what she was cranky about the night before. I call her and ask how can she resent me for something that her mom did. I have even talked to her parents about their excessive visits and they seem to blow it off. We then decide that we need to talk to her parents about their visits. When we got home from work, we sit in the kitchen and talked about visiting and we agree so I thought that it would be okay for her mom to come up once every 3 months for a week. Well when we called her parents and started talking, my wife just put me out in the wind. She proceeds to tell her mom that she has no issues with her visiting once a month but I do. I was shocked and I felt so betrayed!!! Not even 5 minutes earlier we agreed to present a unified front and then she pulls this. So then her mom says "Oh it is you with the issue, then I don't have to see you. I will come up and stay on base and not see you then." I looked at my wife with pure frustration and she is just sitting there. I made the comment well mom I think once a month is excessive and if you come up and stay at a hotel or on the military base that would make me feel/look like I am being an a**hole. I would thinking maybe once for a week every 3 months. Her mom proceeds to say that I will do whatever you want and hangs up the phone. I am standing looking like what the hell is going on here, and then my wife father begins to talk and he says that his wife doesn't need permission to come up to visit and see her grandkids and that I am making an issue out of nothing. My wife didn't say anything. We hung up the phone and I asked my wife what the hell was that. She proceeds to say that there has been tension on her and her parents involving visiting and it was fine that now I was feeling the tension. Talk about a stab in the back from your wife.
As a result of Monday happenings, yesterday we had a fight about her folks and I told her I didn't appreciate the fact that we agreed to one thing and she goes and leaves me in the wind. She apologized for it and then I ask her to talk to her parents and clear things up and she says that I should do it because she doesn't have a problem with it and she isn't going to speak for me. When I tell her that there is too much tension between me and her parents she still doesn't care. I was so pissed that I slammed my hand on the counter top and then she starts saying that I am becoming violent and now she wants me to see an anger management counselor. I am so tired of her parents and I am at the point where I totally dislike them. I don't want anything to do with them. My wife says she is alright with tension but I don't think that she realizes what she just done but she avoid the issue about her parents and tries to focus on my anger problem. I need advice because I am about to tell her that our marriage will consist of only me and her and the kids as far as I am concerned. I am going to completely avoid any dealings with her parents from this point on. Am I wrong for wanting to do this?

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GOOD LUCK!
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Hi. I don't think you have an in-law problem, you have a spouse problem. Either she won't stand up for the two of you and accuses you of having anger issues or the two of you aren't hearing each other's messages when you talk.
Either way, I strongly recommend counseling with a *good* marriage counselor. One who can help the two of you work more effectively together instead at odds with each other. And help the two of you communicate better with each other. Think of the counseling as "team building exercises" if it makes the idea easier to accept, since the whole idea of marital counseling *is* to strengthen the marital team.
I really do wish you and your family the best.
lve2read
You have a major wife problem. She is not a united front with you and that can and will destroy a marriage. Take it from someone who knows. My ex-husband never stood by my side. He always did what your wife did - tell me he was on my side until push came to shove and then it was all, "I don't have a problem with you, Mom and Dad, it's Lilac that does!" He also told me that he resented me for the "straind" relationship he had with his parents. Believe me, I had nothing to do with it. His parents laid a major guilt trip on him when got married and moved out (he and his sister weren't supposed to do that. The 4 of them were all supposed to stay in one house for the rest of their lives. Nice, huh?) So they always told him how he "left them" and how he "ruined their lives" and such. He resented them for it but God forbid make them accountable for their own actions!! So he blamed me for it. I was his scape goat. Sounds like your wife is making you her scapegoat, too.
I think you are being very reasonable with 1 week per 3 months. Marriage is all about compromise and I think that was a good compromise on your part. I really think you and your wife need counseling. And if she won't go with you, go by yourself.
Good luck! I've been there.
This issue is that they don't just visit for a day. They try and stay for weeks at a time when they come. So that they can get their moneys worth persay. If it was a day I would not have too much of a problem but these people don't know when to leave.
Wow...what a partner u have there....little counseling....little molding...little of her own medicine perhaps????
Try getting ur parents to visit for 3 weeks and see how the tables turn then.....I don't care if they live up the road....do it to prove a point. She'll change her tune then I guarantee it.
Wow, this is unbelievable. (this is militaryman's wife BTW) First, why would you vent on a website that I frequent? You have your own relationship websites that I stay away from. Second, if you're asking if you're wrong or right, you should at least tell the whole story.
When I was talking to you through email about this, you announced that "this subject is closed". I guess it's only closed when you're talking to me about it.
I never said that I didn't care about the tension. I said that the parents and I have felt tension for years. I'm used to it. There's a big difference, but you seem to want to be the victim in all of this.
I think Mom visiting once a month and staying on base or in a hotel is a good compromise. I'll take the kids to see her and you won't have to see her at all. It was her idea! How is that excessive if she is not going to be staying at the house? You have yet to answer that question.
And she won't be staying for weeks at a time. She's a school nurse and will be visiting when she has 3 day weekends. The only time she's stayed for weeks at a time was when Militaryman was deployed and I was home pregnant with a 2 year old. He had issues with her staying then, even though he was deployed! And you know what I did? I kicked my own mother out of my own house because my husband didn't want her there.
And yes, I'm making an issue out of your anger becuase you did more than slam the counter with your hand and you know it! Do you really want to air our dirty laundry here? You called me a bitch multiple times, shook your fist in my face, when I tried to walk away, you followed me (yelling at me the whole time) and blocked the door so that I couldn't leave. And you did all this in front of the kids. This isn't the first time your temper has turned violent. That's why I want you to see a counselor.
For those who asked, we are already in marriage counseling to deal with his infidelity.
He paints me out to be this irrational bad guy when there is far more to the story than he is telling.
What a difference hearing the "other side" of a story makes.
I'm always saddened to hear of such behaviors in a *loving* relationship.
I wish you both the best possible outcome, however that plays out.
lve2read
Hello,
I can so relate to what your going thru. I was married to abusive jerk who treated myself, my parents & our children very much what you described here. And for him to come to your board and vent is just uncool.
Samantha
Okay after hearing both sides here I wanted to comment. First of all both of you are welcome here. This is a public message board, and anyone can post. That said. You are both in the wrong here. Military man, for telling you then pregnant wife that your MIL couldn't be there while you were deployed. Why would that bother you? You weren't there so it did not directly or indirectly affect you. That was totally wrong. There was no reason for you to do that.
That was very selfish on your part. She had the right to have her mother there to help her while you were gone. You weren't there to help her, so what was she suppose to do? Deal with it all alone? No. She needed support and help and that is what she got by having her Mom there. Now Stressedoutwifey, you were wrong for purposely going against your husbands wishes and telling your Mom that its perfectly fine for them to visit once a month. That was wrong. You are creating problems when there doesn't need to be any.
Why do you have to see Mom every month for three days at a time? You both need to realize that your spouse and your children are to come first before everyone else. Including parents. Do you really think that the reason that he got so angry was solely because of your Mom, or are you throwing the affair in his face too? I am in no way saying that him going off like that is okay, in fact its not. But throwing other things into the mix that have nothing to do with the issue at hand, can cause things to get worse.
Apparently the counseling that you are getting, isn't helping. Maybe you should find someone else. You need to not only address the cheating, but his issues what ever they are with your parents. I think there are a lot of things that weren't said in here as to why he doesn't want to see you parents every month. People generally don't dislike their ILs for no reason. There must have been something(s) that have happened between your parents and him to make him feel this way. Maybe you know about them and maybe you don't. That is something that you both need to get to the bottom of and work on. If things did happen between your parents an him, no matter what it was, don't dismiss him and say, "that's just how they are". That will only make things worse. Trust me BTDT.
This also applies for you too, if you have had any problems with his parents. Marriage is not about control, and who is right and who is wrong. That is destructive to any relationship. You need to both be willing to work through this and move forward. But you both need to let go of this attitude of I want things my way too bad if he/she doesn't like it. Its not helping. Its going to take time and a lot of work, but you have to put your all into it or it will be a waste of time. Marriage is about compromise. If its all take, take, take, it will become unstable and fall apart. I hope that you are able to work this out. All of it.
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