In-laws put SIL's dog equal w/my baby
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In-laws put SIL's dog equal w/my baby
| Wed, 08-30-2006 - 5:00am |
First let me start out by saying: I am a dog person, I always had a dog(s) since childhood. I've always found lost dogs and kept them until I found their owners or a home for them (the dog I have now was abondoned). My dogs are indoor dogs. Anyway, even though I love dogs, there are certain lines I won't cross. I don't let dogs kiss me in the mouth...if others allow that, that is fine for them but not for me. I also wash my hands before I eat or handle food. The inlaws love animals too. However, they let dogs kiss them in their mouths, they don't wash their hands before preparing food, even if they were petting the dog or handing the cat's belongings, etc.
I currently have one child who will be two soon. I have my parenting standards, one of which, I don't allow her to be eye level with a dog we are not familiar with, and I highly supervisor her and my dog when they are together. This is in part to all the cases I've heard of toddlers being bit in the face by dogs, and from my own personal observations of dogs showing aggressiveness more to toddlers than bigger people (for reasons too plentiful to go into detail here).
One of my SIL's lives out of town. She has a golden retriever puppy (she is a big puppy now) that she and her hubby bring everywhere. When she visits her parents, the local family usually comes over for dinner. I usually come in, pet the dog, hold my toddler and and let my child pet the dog for a minute. But I don't let my toddler run around with the dog running loose. The in-laws are offended by this. The last two occasions, they put the dog in another room for a while so the toddler could run around and interact with them (it was not my request to have the dog put up). But my SIL keeps saying, "My dog does not bite anymore and she stopped jumping on people". She says this while the dog is jumping up on me. I, and my husband, have told her many times that her dog may not bite our child, but we are not going to take a chance with a toddler and a puppy, especially with the toddler's face being eye (and mouth) level to the dog.
To make an even longer story short, we were over the other night for dinner,the dog was put in another room for a while,and the released with no waring to us. I did not complain (never have really). I just picked up the baby, talked a while, then said "it's getting late". Said my good-byes and went to the car. My hubby stayed in a while longer saying his good-byes. My inlaws were offended, said I was upset about it all( when I wasn't) etc. Apparently other dialogue went on which prompted my husband (unbeknownst to me) to email MIL articles of dogs biting toddlers. The next day, SIL called and asked for DH and started crying and babbling on the phone about how could we think she'd ever let her dog hurt our baby and on and on. Then I got on the phone. She stopped crying, I guess because she knows that passive aggressive approach does not work so well with me. She just does not get it that I don't want the dog in the baby's face and when the dog is there and running around, I will hold my child and keep my visit short. I told her that once, when someone was supposed to be keeping the dog and baby apart, the dog licked the baby in the mouth and I did not like that. She got into this big song and dance about how dogs always licked them and her kids in the mouth and her kids are healthy...and we went back and forth about that issue (her kids, by the way are not that healthy...one is very much overweight in part due to her cooking and feeding habits; the other has asthma from where she and her husband smoked around him all his life). Then hubby got back on the phone. During this time, I learned that my MIL had said at some point when I left there house, that the baby and the dog were "equal". My MIL, and all my in-laws for that matter, are people whose judgement I don't trust when it comes to a multitude of things. They have bad judgement about so much, yet feel that they are "experts" when it comes to child rearing and pets. They believe that if it is soemething they've done or haven't done, then you should follow suite, despite how you might feel about it. If not they are offended. I've always said that the inlaws would not watch my child. This whole mindset about my child being "equal" to a dog makes my resolve more air tight.
I currently have one child who will be two soon. I have my parenting standards, one of which, I don't allow her to be eye level with a dog we are not familiar with, and I highly supervisor her and my dog when they are together. This is in part to all the cases I've heard of toddlers being bit in the face by dogs, and from my own personal observations of dogs showing aggressiveness more to toddlers than bigger people (for reasons too plentiful to go into detail here).
One of my SIL's lives out of town. She has a golden retriever puppy (she is a big puppy now) that she and her hubby bring everywhere. When she visits her parents, the local family usually comes over for dinner. I usually come in, pet the dog, hold my toddler and and let my child pet the dog for a minute. But I don't let my toddler run around with the dog running loose. The in-laws are offended by this. The last two occasions, they put the dog in another room for a while so the toddler could run around and interact with them (it was not my request to have the dog put up). But my SIL keeps saying, "My dog does not bite anymore and she stopped jumping on people". She says this while the dog is jumping up on me. I, and my husband, have told her many times that her dog may not bite our child, but we are not going to take a chance with a toddler and a puppy, especially with the toddler's face being eye (and mouth) level to the dog.
To make an even longer story short, we were over the other night for dinner,the dog was put in another room for a while,and the released with no waring to us. I did not complain (never have really). I just picked up the baby, talked a while, then said "it's getting late". Said my good-byes and went to the car. My hubby stayed in a while longer saying his good-byes. My inlaws were offended, said I was upset about it all( when I wasn't) etc. Apparently other dialogue went on which prompted my husband (unbeknownst to me) to email MIL articles of dogs biting toddlers. The next day, SIL called and asked for DH and started crying and babbling on the phone about how could we think she'd ever let her dog hurt our baby and on and on. Then I got on the phone. She stopped crying, I guess because she knows that passive aggressive approach does not work so well with me. She just does not get it that I don't want the dog in the baby's face and when the dog is there and running around, I will hold my child and keep my visit short. I told her that once, when someone was supposed to be keeping the dog and baby apart, the dog licked the baby in the mouth and I did not like that. She got into this big song and dance about how dogs always licked them and her kids in the mouth and her kids are healthy...and we went back and forth about that issue (her kids, by the way are not that healthy...one is very much overweight in part due to her cooking and feeding habits; the other has asthma from where she and her husband smoked around him all his life). Then hubby got back on the phone. During this time, I learned that my MIL had said at some point when I left there house, that the baby and the dog were "equal". My MIL, and all my in-laws for that matter, are people whose judgement I don't trust when it comes to a multitude of things. They have bad judgement about so much, yet feel that they are "experts" when it comes to child rearing and pets. They believe that if it is soemething they've done or haven't done, then you should follow suite, despite how you might feel about it. If not they are offended. I've always said that the inlaws would not watch my child. This whole mindset about my child being "equal" to a dog makes my resolve more air tight.

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I think that you are right. It also sounds like your DH agrees. That is half the battle.
It does not sound like you have raised a stink about it or have been rude about the dog. I don't understand their being offended. The thing that really bothers me is that your MIL said your child is equal with a dog. Well, obviously, the dog is more important to them than your child is. I would not go to their homes or family events anymore. If they want to see DD, let them come to you, without the dog. Would they feel better if the dog, even by accident, harmed your child? Sounds like they wouldn't care. So sad to put a dog before their own grandchild.
Boy, do I hear you on this one! And let me tell you - I am solidly in your corner.
My own parents do the same thing with my brother's and sil's dog, which is not very well trained and LOVES to jump on people. We both have a history of asthma/respiratory issues, which makes visiting very difficult (myself, DH, bro and SIL all live out of town from my parents). My bro and SIL stay at my parents house, bring the dog with them, and DH and I are basically forced to sit there and hack.
I had to have it out with my mother and make it clear: We cannot stay there if the dog is there, and it's unfair to make us pay for a hotel, etc., because they MUST bring the dog w/them (they refuse to use a kennel). And I told my mother that (for reasons similar to yours) when and if we have children (we are TTC) the rules apply even doubly so because as the mother bear, it's my call. THis is the only thing she has listened to in this regard.
It is your perrogrative what you expose your child to and your duty to keep the little one safe. If you don't feel comfortable as a mom, that's enough reason to pick up the baby/truncate the visit.
The only advice I have is when it comes up, to keep what you are doing - don't get upset, scoop up the little one, and, if appropriate and necessary, say "adios" and leave. You can also keep reassuring MIL and SIL that it's nothing personal (ie - you are not using the dog issue to get back at them over something unrelated, etc.), but your concern as a parent. You can always try this tactic: "I know we both love my daughter/son, so I'm hoping you can help me with this until they are a bit bigger and it's safer for them to be running around with the dog loose." You can also (nicely) tell them that while you appreicate the fact that they were able to run around with their dogs when they were little and are an animal lover yourself, it still makes you feel very uncomfortable, and when the baby is a bit bigger, it's an issue you'd be more than happy to revisit. You can also make a little joke like "And s/he's growing so fast these days, we'll be at that point before you know it."
Best of luck. Boy, do I feel you on this one!
This probably won't change your opinion even slightly, but there was a study done showing that the inside of a dogs mouth was cleaner and more bacteria/germ free than a human mouth. Just a tidbit of intersting info for you.
I am completely in agreeance with you about keeping your toddler away from being on the ground eye level with a dog. I'm sure you know all the reasons, and since your husband sent all those email articles about toddler dog bites you know why it's so dangerous. I wonder, was it said to your SIL that of course she'd never let her dog hurt your baby, but that's the point. 99% of child related dog bites weren't *let* happen. The owner of the dog didn't allow it to happen, it just happened! The dog doesn't know the sudden jerky movements of a toddler from the sudden jerky movements from an impending attack. The majority of dog bite incidents were from "the gentlest, kindest, sweetest, most laid back friendly dog". I know. Just such a dog bit my DD on the chin when she was 8mo and learning to walk. She's got a popmark scar as a constant reminder. I didn't *let* the dog bite her. I didn't leave them alone unsupervised. Heck, I was HOLDING her hands as she 'walked' and the dog just lunged out of nowhere.
>>>They believe that if it is soemething they've done or haven't done, then you should follow suite, despite how you might feel about it. If not they are offended. I've always said that the inlaws would not watch my child.<<<
That's what this is really about, isn't it? They aren't offended about the dog, they are offended that you aren't doing what they want. They are upset about the dog issue now, and in the future it will be something else. So stick to your guns, and don't let them control you. You and your husband are doing a great job of standing up for yourselves in a polite and dignified manner. Keep it up.
I completely agree with you on this one. The dog and baby/ toddler should not be face level. I also have 3 dogs and love them very much. But my Dd was bitten, when she wasn't even 2 years old yet, by my Il's dog on the heel.
We were sitting at the table in Il's kitchen and Il's were laughing at the dog while she was barking under the table. Mil was holding Dd. Well then my Dd started to scream just as the dog barked very loudly. My Dd was bitten on the heel and I said I'm calling the doctor and taking Dd in to see if she needs stiches. The doctor had to report the dogbite and my Mil had to fill out paperwork for the state every year afterword. By the way, there was no food any where near the table or any dogfood around that would have pervoked the bite.
Good luck and stick to your rules about the dog,
April P.
Thanks for your replies and support,
Foxy wife, your wrote:
"But there was a study done showing that the inside of a dogs mouth was cleaner and more bacteria/germ free than a human mouth. Just a tidbit of intersting info for you."
...I've been long aware of this claim and it is not necessarily true. Recently there was a tv show stating that this claim was a myth...just watch what dogs do (mine eats his own fecal matter in the yard at times). You get mixed reports stating that a dogs germs are not harmful to humans, and other reports that say, regardless, a dog's mouth can be pretty disgusting even though the germs may not make you gravely ill. I personally don't find the aspect of a dog licking me or my baby in the mouth, appealing even though I know people who think it is "cute". It is fine for them; not for me. What is funny is that for people who defend this sort of thing, they are more likely to respect your wishes and not be offended if they invited you over and you declined their spinach because you don't like the way it tastes. But God forbid you object to a dog french kissing you or your child, then suddenly there are all these reasons for why you should allow it. Last I checked it was more beneficial to eat spinach than have a dog kiss you in the mouth.
Thanks for the reply though. It is helpful to hear about all the cases in which dog bites happen to kids. Some people just won't believe it until it happens.
In this case it was probably jealousy. There was another "puppy" on the lap that belongs to the dog, so it "defended" it's "territory".
There is so much to consider with how dogs think and react that separation is just the better idea with small children.
lve2read
PS Just a story, my SIL used to think kids were silly to fear dogs until she was kneeling in the hallway when their pit bull (very gentle dog) came up. She realized she was nose to nose with the dog and it would have been intimidating if it weren't her dog. So she developed some empathy for little kids who are *always* nose-to-nose with dogs.
I agree with you. I am the grandmother of a very active 22 month old granddaughter. My dh & I watch her 4 nights a week so both my dd & sil can work. I have a cat, who can be very nasty to me let alone to Lucy~~one afternoon this past spring, I was watching both the cat & Lucy, Lucy just walked up to the cat who was asleep in a chair~~the gd bent over to speak to the cat and the cat reached out and scratched the baby's face (lucky gd had closed her eyes and scratch was on her eye lid) I was very upset and if my dd had demanded that we get rid of the cat, I would of. But my dd was "things happen mom, I know and it's ok".
The babies come before the animals.
Sam
As someone who owns a puppy and doesn't have any children I have to agree with you. Dogs and little children do not mix. Children are unpredictable and don't know how to act around dogs. How could they their babies, they are seeing and feeling and touching everything for the first time. Dogs just act on instinct, that's what animals do. So child could do something that the dog thinks is threatening and do what instinct says and protect his home and family. As for the face licking...totally a personal choice absolutely. It is your face after all, and child's face. It doesn't matter if a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth they are both dirty.
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