In-laws think I don't welcome them

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
In-laws think I don't welcome them
23
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:38pm

I'm double posting tonight...two things happening around one event.
The one here...

My husband and in-laws think I don't want them to stay at our house Christmas Eve b/c I was shocked when I found out they were (hubby didn't tell me) and I had invited my parents b/c we aren't doing Christmas w/ them this year (we alternate years) and I wanted them to experience Santa with the kids.

Well, according to my husband - who is INCREDIBLY angry with me and it may end my marriage - my in-laws, esp. my FIL are so angry (and he never gets mad). And I've effectively been uninvited to Christmas w/ his family. I want to call his parents and explain the miscommunciation that happened on a grand scale - specifically that my husband didn't tell them what we'd come up with for sleeping arrangements like I thought he was going to and therefore they just said forget it. Husband says don't call that nothing I say is going to change their minds...but I just have a hard time letting this go. I love his parents - while I have issues with MIL - and they are the best grandparents, but I feel like I'm being thrown under the bus.

Any advice? Should I let it go? If not, what do I say? I have to say that I'M HURT that no one is giving me the benefit of the doubt after knowing me for 12 years.


Melissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 2:31pm
I dont quite get what the heck is the big deal here. From what you say there was a miscommunication here. What is there to forgive especially if he already acknowledges that there was a misunderstanding? And what I also dont get is why your in-laws feel that it's alright to jump to conclusions and behead you without listening to your side of the story, and what I also dont get is why you seem to think that it's okay for them to do that and it's up to YOU to fix it.
It's not! It's them acting completely insane and your husband acting even more insane and completely like a spineless child. Which part of this story does he not agree with? I just dont see why they are jumping all over you like this. has it been like this for the past 12 years? If so, then I think that you might have become used to getting this sort of abusive treatment from your husband and in-laws, and you are subconsciously agreeing with this "punishment".
From what you described what happened was a silly misunderstanding, no big deal. Nothing to lock oneself in the bedroom for. My gut says that your MIL has been manipulating you and your husband this way for the past 12 years and you have been putting up with it, and now it's the norm for her to act this way, and it's the norm for your husband to guilt you into feeling that you are at fault.
Your husband, I am sorry to say, is not much of a character. I would seriously contemplate getting counselling, if I were you. And if I were in his shoes and he was acting this way, and was refusing to get counselling I'd get the hell out of the marriage. I would start by going to counselling on my own first. It doesnt sound like much of a partnership to me.. it sounds like you're being cornered and trampled over by your in-laws and your husband is goading them on. He's not on your side.. HUGE red flag. He SHOULD NOT be on their side.
Is he loyal to you? He says he doesnt know if he loves you... Why? Have you asked him why he may not love you? Could it be that he is just looking for an excuse to get out of the marriage and this opportunity provides him with a good one? Is that even possible?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 2:54pm
I am so very sorry to hear this is what you are going through. How old are your children? Are the ILs and your DH too selfish and bitter to think about what their behavior and anger toward you will do to the children. I am also married to an only child and have tried so hard to include his mother (his father is deceased) and it has been almost impossible at times, so I understand that. However, your ILs and husband sound like they are downright destructive, evil excuses for human beings to treat you and your children like this. (And yes, if they are being rude, unforgiving, etc. to you, they are hurting your children.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 5:31pm

My DD is 4 1/2 and DS is 16 mo. The thing is, they are wonderful grandparents and my kids adore them. I think my MIL does have issues...seriously, who thinks the worst of a person like this? She really thinks I've plotted this, and unfortunately FIL must too. And boy does she hold a grudge, is sensitive to everything and just wouldn't have liked any DIL I'm convinced.

I think I put another piece of the puzzle together - I think they thought the kids were going to open the presents from them at our house in the AM, when I was going to take them to the family gathering so they could open them there. Seems to me a simple question would have clarified that one!

DH has a lot of only child issues and has too much of his mom's personality in him and not enough of his dad who is usually laid back. Haven't heard from DH so I don't know if he's talked with them or not.

And to top it all off...my parents aren't coming now. They wouldn't have wanted to after hearing all this b/c there's no way they'd have felt comfortable with DH, but actually my mom threw her back out really badly and can't sit in the car for long periods and is just about on complete bed-rest. So, I feel doubly bad now b/c my parents won't be here to do Santa either. So much for having a good idea about rotating holidays and having it hijacked and me being the bad guy.

I'm past hurt now...


Melissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 5:59pm

I am sure you are beyond hurt and my heart goes out to you. These type situations just really take me back to some really horrible holidays and family events for me thanks to my MIL. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. The first year DH and I were married and in our new home, MIL came to visit and was with us for 3 or 4 days before Christmas. She and I went shopping together and I thought we had a nice time. My parents were coming on Christmas Eve and spending the night and Christmas Day too. On Christmas Eve when it was time for them to arrive, I came downstairs in my home to overhear her asking my DH, "WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE HERE?" I was hurt, angry and devastated that anyone could be so selfish.

Things only got worse from there with her causing problems when our son was born and most recently at the time of the deaths of my father and sister. Fortunately my DH and I both learned some coping stategies when we were in counseling and would not allow her to divide us. My DH, her only child, finally heard her admit that she had been trying to destroy our marriage so she could raise our son. My intuition told me that was what was going on, but DH kept insisting it was all in my mind or I just didn't like his mother.

It is great that you acknowledge your IL as being wonderful grandparents, but they truly are not if they are negative and unforgiving toward you. Even when DH and I were in counseling, the counselor agreed that MIL should not have access to our children if she disrespected me or could not be polite and civil to me. Children pick up on these things and should not have to feel torn between their loyalty to you and their extended family members. I was very careful not to speak ill of my MIL in front of our son and to always be nice to her, but our son knew exactly what was going on even from a really young age as he let us know later.

I am sorry about your parents not coming now. You could use some support in your corner. If you are not invited to the ILs now, I would think twice about allowing the children to go. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} and prayers that things will look better for you soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 6:24pm

Lurking here.... thought I'd throw my $0.02 in. If that were my not so DH, I'd catch his butt out this weekend and pack mine and kids bags and I'd just take off and go see my own parents. No reason for your kids to have a rotten christmas trying to tip-toe around daddy who's got his feelings all hurt and being very selfish. Take off and go have fun. Deal with all the other crap later. And, if he got mad about it I'd remind him about the plan you made TOGETHER to alternate years, this being your parent's year. And, since your parents can't come, you're going to them. If he wants to act like a little brat, he can run to mommy dearest and get her to kiss his boo boo. Go have fun.

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 6:26pm

Oh do I see some many similarities to your story! I could go on several tangents...especially how I raise the kids - I just know she doesn't think we (yes I include DH in this one) do a good job. Strange b/c we have two of the sweetest kids. Anyway, it is somewhat comforting to know others have similar issues, but of course doesn't help make Christmas more pleasant. I'm sure her sisters have all been told how evil I'm being, too. I'm definitely leaning toward saying we all go or the kids don't, but geez that will be uglier than all of this already!

Thanks for all of the support. Hopefully DH & I will be able to have a civil conversation tonite about this - if he's talking to me - and I'll know the plan. I'll let you know.


Melissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 6:41pm

Feel free to email me through my profile if you want to vent or talk. I will be away from the computer for a few days beginning in the morning while we travel for Christmas. Take care and don't let these people ruin your holiday with your children. They are only little for such a short while.

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 9:50am

Here's the update from my saga...My IL's did end up coming to spend the night (and We ALL went to the family Christmas)...but only after my parents couldn't (they both ended up hurt...thankfully not seriously) and my DH let them know that. I don't think they would have come if they were here. Anyway, my FIL did call and did their typical thing and acted like nothing happened (but at least he called). Just told me DH called, invited them, was it OK with me. It at least gave me the opportunity to tell him what really happened with the miscommunication. He said, well, we'll just move on as if it didn't happen. And he did...made every effort to include me, etc. As far as MIL, I've just decided she doesn't like me - forget love me - and proably never will (and may not have liked anyone in her son's life). It was blatantly obvious by things she did over the 2 days. She made some subtle digs (but only said literally 3 words directly to me and not even really when I tried to speak to her!) and then the gift exchange was so telling. I truly am a believer in it's the thought that counts (I don't need or want a lot of things for the sake of things) and this year they decided to give me and DH cash. Fine...but I was given 1/5 the amount he got and didn't get one word written to me re: Merry Christmas, we love you, anything. It stinks, but I'm just going to have to accept it.

What has really upset me now is that even though I did nothing wrong, I did apologize. Not for doing anything wrong, but that there was miscommunication...as in sorry it happened. NO ONE apologized for the NASTY way I was treated...the names I was called, or the things I was accused of. So, in an effort for Christmas to finish nicely, I've waited to bring this up with DH tonight. He has, like normal, moved on and is acting like nothing happened. It's infuriating. The next big hurdle for me is going to be how to bring up the counseling issue. He surely has to figure it's coming, but he's not going to like the idea. But, he has to learn to treat my opinions with respect and tell his mom that she can't treat me this way (although in defense of him...only a little...she doesn't act the same if he's around).

Thanks again to everyone for calming me a little and helping me think clearer and not so emotionally.


Melissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:16am

So glad you got through the holidays with your marriage in tact, but it still sounds like unless you are willing to endure a lifetime like this, the counselor is a must. You may be able to deal with this behavior and tension short term, but it is wrong, wrong, WRONG for your children to see their "wonderful grandparents" and daddy treating their mother like this. You are being emotionally abused by both your husband and his family. It is totally unacceptable and teaching your children that it is okay to treat their mother with disrespect. Your DH is wrong, wrong, WRONG to allow this from his parents and to participate in abusing you.

You are right, the material gifts do not matter, but again this is showing your children that it is okay to shove you aside, to disrespect you, etc. You may think they are too young to notice, but I assure you they feel the tension and know things are not right. Until things can be fixed and you and DH can be unified as a couple, I would advise limited or terminating any visits with the ILs and/or their access to your children. It is good that FIL seems like a decent human being, but it sounds like he has some issues in his own household and needs to deal with his own wife and her unacceptable behavior.

I can't believe you have put up with this mess for 12 years. I was a basket case the first three years of marriage until I gave my DH the ultimatum of either counseling or he could go back home to his mother and never see me and our child again. Fortunately, he chose to go with me to counseling and worked to save our marriage, and even realized that his mother was destructive to our marriage and he allowed her to do that to us. However, our relationship has suffered because of his decision to allow his mother to get away with things during those early years. (I forgave them both, I care for his mother, etc. but there are still issues of trust in certain circumstances much like there might have been if he had an affair with another woman, I imagine. In other words, after 20 years, DH is STILL having to show me that our marriage and family comes before his mother.) We have to be constantly "on guard" not to allow his mother to play her divide and conquer game and to keep her out of our personal life.

You DH sounds like mine, in that he was a "peacekeeper" rather than a "peacemaker" -- the difference being that the peacekeeper does not want to confront his own parents in what they are doing, but strives to keep peace at all costs (even ruining his own marriage). A peacemaker would confront and go through whatever it took to fix his marriage, risking making his mother unhappy. His marriage vows and loyalties should make you and his children first in his life, not his mother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 3:10pm

You're preaching to the choir! :-) We do need couseling, I'm just afraid that will make things worse before better. But it has to happen b/c at some point MIL and I are going to have it out and if we haven't dealt with it as a couple, that will push DH over the edge, more than likely to mommy.

I'll let you know!!


Melissa