In-laws want to take our child on a trip

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
In-laws want to take our child on a trip
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Tue, 04-17-2007 - 8:04am
My BIL and his family are coming out of state to visit us next week. Since they don’t get to come here often, they want to take in the sights around our area. My problem is that BIL and MIL want to take our 2 ½ yr old son (not potty trained yet) into a major city 2 hours away from home while DH and I work. I’m not comfortable with this idea because I feel he is too young and not only that, I want my husband and I to be the first people to take him on the train for the first time and go to the dinosaur museum, etc. My in-laws think I am being selfish including my husband. I already caved into a family vacation last year that I knew wasn’t going to work out and everything I predicted came true. Our son could not handle the flight, he could not handle sleeping over in hotel, and he cried the whole time we were in Disney World. Not exactly how I wanted my 1st trip to Disney to go. I was really ticked off at my DH and his family, because I wanted our son to be ready and able to appreciate the experience and I knew he wouldn’t at his age. They are always pushing including my DH who seems to want to keep up with them. Am I being a pain in the you know what or am I right?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 8:09am
Remind dh of what happened last time.Also remind him that YOU are the mother and that as the FATHER,he too should consider his child's feelings and his wife's feelings in this.Your child is to be protected and as parents you want to be able to do FIRST things with your child to give your child the feeling of love and family and good memories.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 8:59am


I think selfish is the wrong word. A little over protective perhaps.
I do know how you feel, we are all tigresses with our kids especially when they are so little.

I'm assuming that you completely trust your inlaws to keep him safe as you don't say otherwise. The problem seems more that you don't think that he's ready for it, and that you feel a bit green eyed at them having fun without you. That's completely ok. But you know there are so many 1sts that you can't possibly be there for them all. You'll drive yourself insane.

As for the potty training thing, the best piece of advice that I received was 'you know if she wees while you're out, it's not the end of the world'. If you let him go, make sure there are plenty of spare clothes, a towel to sit on on the train, maybe 'pull ups' just for the day. My daughter peed right in the middle of supermarket while we were on holiday at the same age, making really quite a big puddle lol.

He may cry all day like he did at Disney, but if you keep him in his normal environment all the time waiting for the time that he is ready for big adventures, you may find that he never is. My approach was to accept all offers from people I trust, as well as plenty of outings for just the 3 of us. My daughter was hardly in the house !! My parenting ethos being 'get her out, tire her out, get her to bed'. My daughter is now a teenager and to her/my credit is very outgoing, socially confident, and well mannered. And no, she wasn't one of those easy babies that all your friends seem to have. She rampaged up and down the isles on the plane, screamed in the 3D at Disney and weed on peoples carpet like a tom cat.

I do agreed that the decision is yours to make and if you really feel that he shouldn't go then you have to stand your ground.

Best Wishes
Bridget xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 10:00am

Can these people be trusted to respect his personhood and not yell at him *when* he gets fussy? (He's 2, 2yo get fussy!) Will they ensure that he has a calm and quiet place to recharge even if he can't actually nap? Will they be sure that he gets nutritious food at regular intervals?

In short, do these people know there noses from their elbows when it comes to helping a *very* young child succeed in new adventures?

If they do and you do agree to let him go, get a note *in writing* from your DH that if your predictions come true -without you setting DS up to expect trouble- then he will keep his big, fat mouth shut and defer to *your* judgment when it comes to his mommy taking his son on *BIG* adventures.

Um, you might want to phrase that in a much more, well, respectful manner. The idea is to get it in writing that he acknowledges that his judgment is clouded when it comes to his mother taking his son on trips, so he needs to be more open to hearing your opinions when it comes to the boy's abilities to handle things. You might even put in the same note an agreement to be as objective as possible when considering these trips, focusing on the boy and not objecting *just because* it's his mother.

Then, if they want to "practice" with shorter, more reasonable adventures, instead of just jumping into an ALL DAY marathon (for a 2yo, that would be a marathon) you can help them (and him) succeed.

If they are all about the great big trips and not interested in shorter trips that honor the youth and inexperience of your son, then it's all about them and not him.

It is hard to find that balance between protecting and letting go.

Good luck to you. I wish you the best as you and your DH work this out.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 10:53am
I have no problems in letting go of my son, but I do have a problem when everyone gangs up on me to get their way when I know it's not going to work out. I just don't feel like my decisions as a mother are respected. In the past, I have been cajoled into situations like taking him out to eat to a fancy restaurant when I knew he would not be capable of sitting down for more than 20 minutes. When he started fussing and running around, I had to run after him and constantly take him outside so that everyone else could sit back, enjoy their meal and drink. I start to feel like a glorified nanny for them. They enjoy my son until he balks then it's my time for me to step in and remove him from the situation that I knew from the beginning would be a problem. If I know he isn't going to get through a whole day in the city, why keep forcing the issue? I know his limits and I know that by the time he got home, he would be a mess. He's a yound kid, why put him throught that? Again, I would like to take him into the city on our terms and when he is older to appreciate it. Our trip to Disney was ruined at the urging of dh/ILs and I feel bad that it wasn't memorable for anyone. It should have been a happy memory not a memory of my son yelling and crying and my husband and I fighting because of the stress, but we did it because his family wanted it that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 11:34am
Is there anyway you could get off work and go with them? If he's never been on a train before or the dinasour museum these are exciting things to a young boy like your son. If you cant get off work could you suggets MIL and BIL go on a weekend day when you can go too? Just tell them he is your son and you would like to be there to see him have his 1st train ride or see the dinasours becuasr you know its something he is really going to enjoy. I dont think there is anything selfish about it he is your son and you want to/ should be able to witness these 1sts. If they tell you your being selfish tell them im sorry you feel that way but he is my son and I should be witnessing these. GL!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 12:09pm
I think you should suggest a smaller trip, somewhere local for the afternoon or something. He is young and that would be a long day, not only for him but for the people with him and for yourself while you worry at work. Yes its family and they want to do something with your son....just suggest that that might be too big of a trip right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 1:43pm

I agree with the last poster; a trip closer to home or one that is for a shorter amount of time should be totally fine :) Here are the beneifts to you:
#1. They get a taste of what it's really like with your little guy for more than a 15 minute stretch when he is on best behaviour.
#2. Your son gets to spend time with his extended family and have a little adventure.
#3. You will show that you are a mature woman who understands compromise.
#4. If it goes well, it opens up a whole new avenue of fun for your son. f it goes not so well, he's still had a day with family and a new experience, and you have proved your point without looking selfish and immature.

To be honest, it's your husband's child too, and if he really wants his child to spend time with his extended family, it's in everone's best interests to find a way to make that happen without any undue stress or drama. Just an opinion; pick your battles, and if you concede on some points, you'll find everyone more amenable to the points that ARE important to you, IE first dinosaur trip, etc. Good luck!

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 2:25pm
Maybe the child is DH's too, but a loving father would not side with his MOMMY over the wishes and concerns of his wife and mother of the child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 2:30pm
I'm not saying it is right for DH to pick sides, but if he has, and made his wishes knowsn, it's his child too, and it's just my opinion that as a parent, he shoudl be respected as well. I would say the same if it was a man posting about his wife wanting the kids to spend time with her parents or siblings; to me they are both parents, and are both entitaled to make decisions about their children. A compromise to me is a better solution all around for everyone, kids, mom, and dad included.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 2:38pm

I also would say the same thing if the sexes were reversed in this story.

I think that the man ought to stop trying to please his pushy parents so much and show a little respect to the woman he CHOSE to spend his life, bed, and have children with.

I hope a compromise can be reached, but from what the OP posted, they will push to get their way.

It is HER child too.

Oh well, I suppose that when GM and GP holler "jump", the DIL ought to say, "how high?" After all, she is merely the wife of their son and the incubator for the grandchildren.

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