Living with widow MIL

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2013
Living with widow MIL
4
Tue, 09-17-2013 - 4:40am

how do you deal with a widow MIL who is controlling, manipulating, emotionally abusive and hot temper ?

We all live in the same house (MLI, husband, his 2 sisters and I) and seeing her everyday makes me not want to talk to her or see her. So most of the time I stay in the basement watching movies. When I dont talk to her she gets mad and feels that im ignoring her. We dont have anything in common to talk about. To be truthful, I dont like her. Her personality is so different from mine. Her presence bring out this negative vibe. She doesnt even have good relationship with her children, though they listen to what ever she tells them to do but really shes just an controlling and manipulating mother and when it doesnt go her way she gets emotionally abusive and hot temper... 

My husband and I been saving money to move out and buy a house somewhere near so at least he can also be close to his family but i feel like my MIL and my sister in law is not happy with the decision of us moving out. They think us moving out will ruin their relationship with the family. They dont understand my husband and I want to start our own family and have our own house.  They don't understand living with them could ruin our marriage.

I left my whole family and friends in west coast and moved here with my husband's family in midwest. So my husband is everything to me right now.

My MIL being a widow has not only effected my husband and I but my sister in law who is engaged now wants to break of the engagement because she doesnt want to leave her mom by herself or later having to choose between her husband or mom if problem strikes. 

So we are all in hot mess right now... I feel sad for my husband cause something his in the middle of a mom and a wife. I want them to have a good relationship but my husband is not very expressive and therefore my MIL thinks im taking her son away from her or putting bad things in his head.

So someone give me advice cause at this point I dont know what to do and I love my husband very much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 09-17-2013 - 9:12am

Do you work?  If not, why not get a job, however menial it is, just to get out of the house and away from your MIL and help save money so that you could have your own place and move out sooner?  Also, while I hope this is not going to be the case, if your marriage were to go south, it helps to have your own money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 09-17-2013 - 10:37am

Unfortunately when your living under someone elses roof you have to deal with them as best as possible. Do whatever you can to increase your earning and savings potential untill you can move out and get your own life back. And do not let your in laws guilt trip you into staying there. That's manipilative and you have a right to be alone with your husband no matter what his family says. I do understand in certain cultures it's common for families to live together so this could also be a cultural difference. But you need to do what YOU need to do to be happy. Good Luck

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 09-19-2013 - 1:21pm

If you and your DH already have a plan to move out, then stick to it.  I know it will be hard since his family is against it, but you will really have to stick to your guns. 

If your DH was okay the way things are and you were the one wanting to move, that would be a different scenario, but if I understand correctly, he wants to move and that has been your plan all along.  And your poor SIL nees her own life.  You can all live close by if you choose to. 

Remember that although of course family is important, so is a marriage.  Some may argue it is the most important relationship you will ever have. 

Hopefully someone will reply with more experience in this area.  Good luck and stick around and let us know how it all goes.

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Sun, 09-22-2013 - 8:29am

I'd probably do what you do if MIL was living with us.  You and your husband deserve to make your own family, your own home and all, You'd think family would be supportive of that not out there tearing you down.