This makes me angry!(sorry..long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
This makes me angry!(sorry..long)
6
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:26pm
Hi all..

I havent been around for a while.Things have been ok

because MIL is safe and sound far far away in India (arent I evil :)

Anyway this AM I get a call from my BIL (Dh's bro) that

he finds the money he has to send to his mom (we all split the cost and send her

equal amounts monthly) too much for him because he's currently unemployed.He wants to

split the cost of her Plane ticket to bring her back here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello...$2500 plane ticket?? I Dont have THAT kind of money right now.

Both my BIL and SIL are not working..they have supposedly a million dollars

saved away..they live at her parents place (They rent from her parents..which is

really a 'no rent' situation) and they have two kids. BIL is expected to send $300 to

mom (in canadian funds) which is a lot less in US funds for them!!!

DH and I send $300 Canadian..and we earn in Canadian dollars!

We are newly married..starting out and the money we send is really difficult..but we

manage (we have debts too)

anyway, I get angry because BIl wont take up a part time or 'survival job'.. why would he need to!! but he cannot afford to send money to his mom.

I am being judgemental but they seem lazy to me.

DH and I can continue to send our three hundred..and I know after converting..the money should suffice MIL fine. The money she gets now gives her a really cushy lifestyle.

I am NOT READY for my Mil to come back.. and I am also surprised that my DH did not tell me that he had this talk with his Brother. I also know that even if my BIL/SIL say that MIL can stay with them.. they will start pressuring us to quickly do her sponsership into canada (DH has been putting this off for a few months till we get ourselves going a bit)

I am mad at DH for not standing upto brother..because I know my BIL allows his wife to dictate the terms (She decided my MIL was not going to live with them..and that was fine with her husband..she decides they cannot afford this 300 dollars.thats fine with him) but my husband will argue with me..but not talk back to his brother.

I plan to talk to my dh tonight aboutthis..by telling him we can continue sending the money and mom will be fine. Even if MIL comes back to live with us, I think its only fair that BIL and SIL help out by paying for some of her expenses (which we find it really hard to afford right now)..DH is working ft and in school and im working ft too.

so they would end up paying $200 US to help mom out anyway!! whether she is in india or Canada !!!!!!!!!!!!

Please comment. I am sorry for the venting/ranting i am doing.

Thank you.

Avatar for twinmommy4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 2:27pm
I'm no expert here, but I have learned from our mistakes that your husband needs to stand up to his siblings and let them know his feelings on the issue. If not you will get stuck with the responsibility & be miserable. If he doesn't say anything, they will probably keep giving you the stuff they don't want to deal with. The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Also, I'm a little confused. You're BIL has arranged for your MIL to fly home, but he can't afford the ticket? Why did he make these arrangements then?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 2:44pm
Actually BIL has not *bought* her ticket yet... but he called up this morning to discuss the issue with my Dh. He said he called to 'make the arrangements'.

I for the lif eof me CANNOT understand why my MIL wants to be here.

Her friends are in India

Her brothers and sisters are there

Her home is there (fully paid for no mortgages etc)

She enjoys it there bettre than here (she says so all the time)

I think its because of 'culture'.

Avatar for twinmommy4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:06pm
ok, so MIL is flying back because she wants to, not BIL?

What did DH say to Bil, and what are his thoughts on the situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:38pm
I think im not very clear in my wording :)

MIL may or may not want to be here.

However, my BIL says he cannot 'afford' to send the

$200 he sends monthly to take care of her.

He is the eldest son

he and my husband are to share the responsibility for MIL

She will live with US permantnely..this was decided long ago

however we expect him to contribute financially for her..becuase she doesnt work..and we are struggling financially to get established.

Avatar for twinmommy4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:49pm
oops ok, now I get it.

Well, in all honesty how many people do you know that can afford 200 bucks extra to give to someone else on a long term basis? Not very many. From what you've said, you've also got your own struggles, so why should he be any less responsible? What does your husband say about your BIL not contributing?

I feel for you, your bil sounds a lot like my in-laws. We are the responsible ones, so unfortunately we are "expected" to take care of everything. I have no solutions, because I'm still trying to work on getting my husband to stand up for what is right for US, not everyone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 5:11pm
Well, yoru DH seems to have no backbone when it comes to his family.

I think the best thing is to honestly tell him how you feel. However, based on your prior messages, it doesn't sound like your DH is going to listen to your feelings, unfortunately. The best thing you can do I think is to keep $$$ for yourself and let him spend HIS $$$ on bringing his mother back. Keep separate accounts if you have to.

I think that is the best thing to do under the circumstances, because he bends over backwards for them and doesn't seem to understand what the consequences are for you or him.