MIL and religion...please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
MIL and religion...please help!
13
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 11:55pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We have a great relationship, the only thing I have had a difficult time with is dealing with his mother. She is very overbearing and not ready to let her kids grow up (my boyfriend is 27). She is loud and obnoxious, always talks about having grandbabies, etc. At the end of it all, I still like her. She just gets on my nerves a lot, as she is very different from my own mother and I am still having a hard time getting used to the differences.

But last night (Easter) was horrible. After visiting my parents, I went over to my boyfriend's parents house. The visit was fine until we were getting ready to leave. She made a comment to my BF about coming to church next year with them (MIL and FIL are very church-going people). BF said no, and MIL said in a really loud voice, "Why are you so anti-church all of a sudden?" And I knew what she was thinking...she was thinking I had influenced him not to go. (I am not religious, my parents did not raise my sisters and I knowing a church, they left it up to us to find our faith, if we choose to, when we are mature enough. I'm 23 and have not found it yet.) BF says to his mom, "I don't like you shoving it down my throat." And she does, constantly. She always tells me she wishes I would find God, it's awkward but I deal with it. So MIL says, "I shove it down your throat? You need to go to church, you need to be a good person." I interject here and say, "He's still a good person even though he doesn't go to church." MIL says "You can't get into Heaven and you can't be a good person without going to church." It bothered me, because she is aware of my beliefs, so I asked, "I'm not going to heaven, and I'm not a good person?" And she looks me square in the eye and says, "Good people don't go to heaven, only people who go to church do."

I don't know why it hurt my feelings so much, but it did. It took everything I had to keep myself together and say goodbye to my BF's parents. I have never felt so unworthy, so small, so...bad before. I'm always respectful of her beliefs even though I do not believe in all of them. I never dispute them saying Grace at the table, I never talk about touchy subjects...and I have high patience with dealing with her. But Easter just made me really not want to talk to her. BF and I live in a house that his parents inherited, therefore they come down every weekend to do work, so I am going to have to deal with her soon. I am very hurt and don't know what to do. I have been sad and stressed all day.

Is how I am feeling out of line?
What should I say to her?
How do I deal being around her now?

Sorry this was long...I feel like I have no one to turn to. BF understands but obviously me against his mother has got to be stressful for him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 12:42pm

"Is how I am feeling out of line?"


No.


"What should I say to her?"


Nothing


"How do I deal being around her now?"


What do you mean "deal"? Are you asking how you can never see the woman again and still have things with the boyfriend remain peachy? Won't happen. You be kind, polite, and respectful, that's how. Regardless of someone elses poor judgements and behaviors, you can be polite, kind, and respectful (it's the best revenge against that sort btw!)


I could point out for you to tell her how she was wrong in nearly everything she said biblically speaking, but what's the point?!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 1:15pm

I too, have in-laws telling me that I need to go to church and also raise my children in a church. Don't worry about what they say to you.

There are A LOT of people who attend church every Sunday but sin, sin, sin the other six days of the week. The kind of GOD I believe in is a loving one who doesn't accept or reject people based soley on whether they attended church or not!

To heck with this over-bearing, pushy, busy-body of a woman. The next time she tries to tell you what you should be doing in/with your life, busy yourself with some small task (indicating your disinterest in her conversation) but smile politely. When she's finally done ranting tell her "Thank you for your oinion, I'll take that under advisement". She won't know what to say and you've basically told her that her opinion means nothing to you but you let her go on and on about it anyway because you are polite. Try it. It's worked for me and my in-laws just HATE it when I say that to them. It seems to get the message across and they close their traps.

The only thing would like to add is, I am married to the most wonderful & loving man but if I had it to do over again, I would have definitely taken a much harder, longer look at his family. Regardless of what anyone thinks or might tell you, you marry them as well. Be careful - if you think your miserable now, think of how much worse it will be when your married to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 1:28pm
One more thing...every time you engage with her, she'll know that she "got to you". The results will always be the same - she'll be elated and you'll be left feeling the way your feeling right now. Do NOT allow her to do this and you will end up being the one who feels elated while she's left feeling miserable and frustrated. She'll only have herself to blame. The secret is to stand up for yourself without fueling the fire. She's trying to incite your fury when she makes these little remarks and your job is to diffuse the whole situation - take away her ammunition by not getting into it with her. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 5:41pm
It's the same with me & my husband. My family wasn't "churchy", but my husband's family is pretty religious. We make a point of visiting & going to church for Easter, even if it means spending 4 hours at a church, because it'll make MIL happy. She does ask if we go & says we should, but she doesn't really make me feel bad about it. Maybe you guys can do a semi-happy medium & you go with your BF & his family on the major holidays & she lays off the rest of the hell & damnation talk...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 5:46pm
That sounds like a nice compromise. However, then she'll be left with the impression that her rude nagging actually worked! I say go only if YOU want to, do it for YOURSELVES but nobody else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 6:04pm

A compromise is a good idea, however, I really don't think it would work with her. I went to church with them on Christmas Eve, and after that it was "Well are you going next week? Are you coming again? Why don't you come more?" She just turned up the pressure even more after I went to church with her.

Thank you all for your advice! I will definitely try some of the ideas you all listed. :

When I said I am nervous with dealing with her...I just know it's going to be awkward. It's awkward enough having my house overrun with her and family on the weekends, but it will be even weirder now that I feel hurt by her. I am a very forgiving person, but what happened on Easter just really bothered me, and I don't feel like being all nice and chatty with her, and I know I am going to have to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 6:10pm

Hi Citrimax, welcome to the board!

It sounds like the best thing to do is to keep your distance from her whenever possible. When you are around her, be polite and respectful. Nothing says you have to have all kinds of conversations with her.

As for her pushing church on the two of you, the two of your are adults to decide if you want to go to church or not. She shouldn't be manipulating/guilting, etc. you and your BF into going. It really isn't any of her business whether the two of your go or not. As far as not getting into Heaven if you don't go, well that's between you and whatever you believe/don't believe, etc. in, and ditto for your BF.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:53pm
I agree with you 100% that a compromise wouldn't work with her. My MIL was the SAME way; give an inch and she wanted a mile. Those "super churchy" types are frequently VERY self-righteous and high pressure when it comes to going to church. My MIL used to tell my kids if they lied, they'd go to "the firey lake". She also scared the daylights out of them with fanatical rantings such as "the devil lives in the darkness" and "oh, the devil must not want me to go to church because I cannot get my shoes on". She was a sick, unhealthy individual and I'm so glad she's out of my/my children's life FOREVER. My kids are better off; they have plenty of other healthy, loving grandparents that are involved with them. It's just too bad that these people don't realize how they're only alienating themselves in the end. Remember to try that first piece of advice I gave you a few postings back. Maybe you could leave off the Thank you part and just tell her the rest so it doesn't sound like you're trying to be a smartie. Good Luck & keep me posted, okay?
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 2:57pm


Citrimax,


Hi. I am a Christian and a faithful church goer and your MIL is the kind of person that makes me cringe! Beating people over the head with church and religion is stupid. It turns people off to sharing of faith. But, people like your MIL use it like a weapon. She's obviously a control freak and religion is her weapon of choice.


I agree with Dansfoxywife in her post. There's little you can do to keep your MIL from voicing her preferences, but you don't have to expose yourself or your children to it. Any chance you can move about 2 hours away? Might help!


Good luck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 1:43pm

I have had this arguement with my MIL over and over and over again. Oh my gosh it never ends and I DO go to church. Regularly.

I'm like you, I wasn't raised in a church. I am rather liberal as far as religion goes and after I had my children, I chose a church which I felt was open enough to give my kids a religious jumping off point that would allow them to also make their own choices.

My husband and his family however are very Southern Baptist and while I believe that Jesus Christ was the son of God and died on the cross for our sins, (by definition making me a Christian by the way) I've been told repeatedly that I'm not a Christian and am going to Hell because I've not been "saved".

Huh.

Add to that the number of times I've been dressed down for allowing the kids to read "Harry Potter", going to a Presbyterian church, and assorted other crimes I've committed and you have one annoyed daughter-in-law.

Like you, I love my mother-in-law, bu the religion thing became very annoying. How dare she question my relationship with God. That's a very personal thing and none of her business.

I ended up choosing a phrase to say during those moments. "I understand that you are very dedicated to what you believe, however I am equally dedicated to my beliefs. I think for now you and I should avoid the subject unless we can discuss it with mutual respect."

I'm telling you, that did it. She hasn't broached the subject for about a year now.

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