MIL a control freak

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
MIL a control freak
14
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 8:49pm

Help! I have hit the end of my rope with my MIL! Let me start off by saying that my in-laws have generally been extremely supportive of us in the past...ESPECIALLY financially. They paid some loans for us so we could pay them interest free and have taken us on several large vacations amongst other things. But I am beginning to suspect that there is an ulterior motive to this....CONTROL OF OUR LIVES! Especially our childrens! They constantly undermine us in front of the kids and try to take over every event and decision...I say they, but I really mean HER. MIL needs to control and plan everything to her satisfaction, for example: she wouldn't let me put off my son's baptism so my only sister (and best friend) could be there because "she isn't Catholic anyway". Neither am I! Unfortunately, since we were balancing college, full time jobs and children, we were happy to let her handle certain things, but now that we are both out of school and life has become more manageable, we are finding that it is impossible to regain control. How do I get her to back off when I essentially handed her the reins? This has gotten to the point that I am ready to push her out of our lives completely, beginning by moving far away, and DH feels the same way...

Any thoughts?
Pam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 11:30am
First of all, fortify your resolve for a big fight. Then, you and DH need to present a strong, united front before your MIL. DH should probably be the spokesperson since it is his mother -- tell her that you appreciate the help she provided, but you both now realize that you need to act like adult parents and take responsibility for your family. MIL is not going to like it, but you have to be united, firm and consistent in your dealings with her. If you truly want to take the reins from her, you can, but you cannot give in or waffle back and forth when it is convenient to allow her to take charge. Wishing you good luck and please, keep us up on your progress. :o)


Edited 2/27/2007 11:32 am ET by fluffy42052
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 2:11pm
Wish I knew. I'm not Catholic, his whole family is on the farm. My MIL got my daughter baptised Catholic, without my knowing, talk about a blow.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 3:33pm

What do you mean, she wouldn't "let" you plan the baptism for when your sister could be there? Aren't you the mother? Isn't DH the father?

Simply take back the reins. And stop accepting money and favors from them. They will whine and throw fits at first, but keep steady, and hold your ground. Dh doesn't like it? Tough.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 3:35pm

And she is no longer in your life after that, right?

Gosh I hope so. I would be LIVID if someone took it upon themselves to have my child baptized. Religion is something that the PARENTS are in charge of, not the bossy inlaws.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 3:42pm
My truthful opinion, may it sound bizarre? Move. I lived by my in-laws most of my marriage, never took a penny from them because it leads to total control. (have witnessed it with BIL and his g/friend). We moved away for a brief time, then came back. If I could do it over I would move in a heartbeat. I feel there is one rule in marriage, live at least 2 hours away from both sides of parents. I think that is the healthiest way to deal with the relationship. If not possible, really things are unlikely to change, for some reason MIL's are self centered and it's their way or the highway. Hopefully you have the one in a million MIL. GOOD LUCK
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 7:28pm

Hi.

My advice is to sit down with your DH and work out the limits you two are comfortable with in regards to how often she will be allowed to visit, how often she will be allowed to see the children, whether or not she will be allowed *unsupervised* visits, what the *FAMILY* response to her undermining tactics will be (all of you leave or you and the children leave the area if in your home, for instance) etc.

Then, the two of you tell her that you are very grateful for the help they have given you over the years, you love her very much and hope that she chooses to be a part of your lives. Then state out loud to her that you two will be making the choices for your children and that she needs to respect those choices or she will be choosing not to see her grandchildren. Let her know how much you hope she chooses to be a wonderful grandmother (lie if you have to, to sound like you want her to!) helping you raise your children by backing you two up as parents.

Or something like that. Then, put your words into actions. She messes up, she chooses to not see the grandkids for a while. And I would phrase it that way, to help her "get it". "MIL, I'm sorry you are choosing not to see the kids. Let us know when you are ready to respect our choices and we can try again. Good bye." You know, put the ol' bat into time out 'till she's ready to play nicely!

If she's a total control freak and will not give up? Then move! It's less messy than shooting her. :o)

hth.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 9:51pm
Thanx fluffy...I have been trying to avoid the whole sit down and discuss the situation thing...here I thought she would take a hint, but all the does is ask why we are trying to "push her out all the time". Then she starts in on the "poor me" thing. I have managed to get her to butt out of DS's baptism (i think) but DD's first communion is a lost cause. We have stopped accepting her "help" because it really seems to be a ploy to take control of the situation (ie our entire lives). Fingers crossed!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 9:56pm
GOOD GOD! Baptised your child? Mine is trying, but I think I have managed to get her to butt out. She's lucky I am baptising DS as a catholic...my family is presbyterian...but since religion is fanatically important on DH's side of the family and not so much on mine, we opted to go the route of least conflict. DD's first communion is another story...MIL is totally out of control about it...the next month is going to be a nightmare with her!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 10:00pm
DH is whining a bit about having to pay for the entire baptism luncheon, but it is money well spent if it proves our point...we are in agreement that we have to stop letting them make life "easy" for us because it is really just a power ploy. Dh will get over it, but in the meantime, we have started looking for a house farther away...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 10:07pm

We are definitely on board with the whole united front thing...at least in front of the in-laws, but moving has become a definite option since things are totally out of control. If i told the whole 9 year story I would have to start my own blog...

I would love to keep them involved with our children, but I would also love to make decisions concerning my family without having to play her games...ehh, I was tired of my town anyways...

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