MIL a control freak
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| Mon, 02-26-2007 - 8:49pm |
Help! I have hit the end of my rope with my MIL! Let me start off by saying that my in-laws have generally been extremely supportive of us in the past...ESPECIALLY financially. They paid some loans for us so we could pay them interest free and have taken us on several large vacations amongst other things. But I am beginning to suspect that there is an ulterior motive to this....CONTROL OF OUR LIVES! Especially our childrens! They constantly undermine us in front of the kids and try to take over every event and decision...I say they, but I really mean HER. MIL needs to control and plan everything to her satisfaction, for example: she wouldn't let me put off my son's baptism so my only sister (and best friend) could be there because "she isn't Catholic anyway". Neither am I! Unfortunately, since we were balancing college, full time jobs and children, we were happy to let her handle certain things, but now that we are both out of school and life has become more manageable, we are finding that it is impossible to regain control. How do I get her to back off when I essentially handed her the reins? This has gotten to the point that I am ready to push her out of our lives completely, beginning by moving far away, and DH feels the same way...
Any thoughts?
Pam

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Edited 2/27/2007 11:32 am ET by fluffy42052
What do you mean, she wouldn't "let" you plan the baptism for when your sister could be there? Aren't you the mother? Isn't DH the father?
Simply take back the reins. And stop accepting money and favors from them. They will whine and throw fits at first, but keep steady, and hold your ground. Dh doesn't like it? Tough.
And she is no longer in your life after that, right?
Gosh I hope so. I would be LIVID if someone took it upon themselves to have my child baptized. Religion is something that the PARENTS are in charge of, not the bossy inlaws.
Hi.
My advice is to sit down with your DH and work out the limits you two are comfortable with in regards to how often she will be allowed to visit, how often she will be allowed to see the children, whether or not she will be allowed *unsupervised* visits, what the *FAMILY* response to her undermining tactics will be (all of you leave or you and the children leave the area if in your home, for instance) etc.
Then, the two of you tell her that you are very grateful for the help they have given you over the years, you love her very much and hope that she chooses to be a part of your lives. Then state out loud to her that you two will be making the choices for your children and that she needs to respect those choices or she will be choosing not to see her grandchildren. Let her know how much you hope she chooses to be a wonderful grandmother (lie if you have to, to sound like you want her to!) helping you raise your children by backing you two up as parents.
Or something like that. Then, put your words into actions. She messes up, she chooses to not see the grandkids for a while. And I would phrase it that way, to help her "get it". "MIL, I'm sorry you are choosing not to see the kids. Let us know when you are ready to respect our choices and we can try again. Good bye." You know, put the ol' bat into time out 'till she's ready to play nicely!
If she's a total control freak and will not give up? Then move! It's less messy than shooting her. :o)
hth.
ilve2read
We are definitely on board with the whole united front thing...at least in front of the in-laws, but moving has become a definite option since things are totally out of control. If i told the whole 9 year story I would have to start my own blog...
I would love to keep them involved with our children, but I would also love to make decisions concerning my family without having to play her games...ehh, I was tired of my town anyways...
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