MIL disregards what I say

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
MIL disregards what I say
22
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 4:20pm
My MIL is at it again-- So I had my dd 1st birthday party this weekend. I really had a positive outlook on everything, since my MIL always seems to do something to ruin my mood. Any ways, I put my daughter down to take a nap before all of her guest arrived so that she would be in a good mood for the party. My dd whines when you put her down, but she eventually goes to sleep. So I put the baby monitor on in my bedroom while I got ready. My dd had only been crying for like 5 maybe 10 minutes, but it wasn't a bad cry. Then I heard someone stomp down our hallway and into my dd's room. I started to get a little upset, so I went into her room and saw my MIL getting her out of the crib. I then told my MIL, "She's fine. She needs to take a nap. All she'll do is cry/whine herself to sleep." My MIL looked a little flustered. So I put my dd back in her crib and shut her down. By that time, my MIL was in the living room with my SIL. MIL told SIL, "She was just screaming. How could she just leave her like that? I just can't believe it." I was standing in the hallway and heard every word. So I replied, "I have a monitor in my room and I can hear her. She is perfectly fine." Then I let my anger get the best of me and I shut my door a little louder than I probably should have. Then my MIL didn't speak to me or my family through out the entire bday party. I really want to talk to my DH about it, but everytime we talk about the way his mother acts towards me, he always gets mad and defensive. Or he'll tell me that I am just picking on her. I personally feel like she just doesn't respect me in my own house. How should I approach this topic with my DH? I know that his mother has already played her usual pity party act.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 4:58pm

I am confused as to what you are asking for. I can't really see how you were disrespected. If anything slamming a door loudly is disrespectful of your guests!
Your MIL doesnt agree with your parenting methods. She didnt say anything to you, she said it to her daughter. You can't expect everyone to agree with everything you do. Many women wouldnt agree with letting a child cry for 5 maybe 10 minutes. Frankly I wouldnt, and none of my friends with children would dream of doing that either. And I can totally see a grandmother trying to calm a child down when faced with such a situation.

But it doesnt matter what I think or your MIL thinks. It's her prerogative to have an opinion different from yours, as it is your prerogative to do what you think is best for your child.
Your MIL didnt speak to you for the rest of the evening... you say. And that is what you feel disrespected about. Well, did you consider that your MIL might feel the same way about you after you banged a door shut? Did YOU try to approach her and talk to her kindly? You neednt have explained your actions or your parenting choices, but you could have taken the first step and made small talk.
What did you expect your MIL to do after you banged a door? If someone had done the same thing to you, would you have felt welcome in their home?

You can't control everyone's actions or reactions. But you can control your own. I dont know the history between you and your MIL. Maybe she is a witch.. but as far as I can see you havent been very nice to your MIL either and you are just upset because she doesnt agree with you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 5:40pm
Her MIL could've kept her feelings to herself until she left her home. She was a guest and should've stayed within those boundaries. The mother had every right to be a bit ticked off at MIL - I'm mean really, most kids cry for a bit when you make them take a nap. I'm sure a mother can tell if her DH is "screaming" or not. Sounds to me like its a case of a busybody MIL who needs to let her DIL raise her own child.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 7:05pm

Maybe the OP should not have slammed the door, but there is no reason for her to just take the crap that is dished out from her husband's family. And quite frankly, there are some babies who will cry a little before sleeping, even if they are not alone. My 2 yr old would fuss and cry going to sleep even when I held him. The OP said that the child wasn't screaming. She obviously knows her own child better than MIL does. Give her some credit here. There is a big difference between screaming and fussing.

And BTW, not everyone believes it will ruin a child's entire life if they are allowed to cry a little bit, every so often. I am not saying you said that, but I have met the extreme AP'ish types who act like if the child utters one whimper, then they are bad parents and the child is ruined for life. It is just not so. I do agree that to allow a child to cry to the point of hysteria and ignoring them is horrible.

It is fine and dandy that someone not agree with someone else. But ADULTS discuss it quietly , they do NOT go behind the other's back and make snide remarks to other people. MIL, being the older person, should be the example for the younger generation. However, I see more and more that some of the older generation are as self-centered and entitlement-minded as young children can be.

I also see a lot of "men" who won't stand up to Mommy and do right by their wives. It is almost epidemic. I am raising my sons to have a backbone. Of course, I have learned so much about how NOT to be an obnoxious MIL, that I hopefully won't have to be put in my place.

Maybe the OP is upset because her MIL is a nasty person and her husband won't stand up for her. (yet ANOTHER candidate for the "should have never married and had kids" club, IMO) Maybe she is like a lot of us here who have tried to get along, only to be thwarted time and time again, constantly being reminded of how we are not "family".

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 7:46pm

"Maybe the OP is upset because her MIL is a nasty person and her husband won't stand up for her. (yet ANOTHER candidate for the "should have never married and had kids" club, IMO) Maybe she is like a lot of us here who have tried to get along, only to be thwarted time and time again, constantly being reminded of how we are not "family"

ehh.. maybe. Obviously we cant tell from one post.
I still stand by my assessment, knowing fully well most of you will disagree. Given this one isolated incident (emphasizing here that I dont know any of the background) the OP could have acted more gracefully. Seriously what's the big deal? Is it worth getting one's panties up in a bunch because MIL said something one doesnt like?

I am a little tired of seeing complaining posts from people who have no idea how to get along in society.. some people are just warmongers and love to fight and complain, and frankly just be MISERABLE!! Getting all worked up about the trivialest of things. I am NOT saying that you or the OP is like that.. but there have been quite a few of them coming here and complaining. Why can't people just be HAPPIER and more easy-going? Seriously.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 8:27pm

Well I feel it is better to vent here than to vent to my husband or go off on my offending ILS. And you do have a point. But, inlaws are not without blame in these situations either.

I mean, there was a time when I could not go to a family gathering, just be friendly and have a nice time without someone or several making remarks about how I need to do this or that, or how I should raise, feed, dress, care for our kids, or how to be a perfect little wifey to my poor DH. Last Christmas, I had a SIL lecture me about my son's Autism, when she has never worked with, lived with, or had any real dealings with an Autistic child. These might seem like petty things and they are. I ignored a LOT for years. But, it gets old. I would just like to go, be cordial, see how everyone is doing, play games and eat and just enjoy the visit, and go home.

People just need to leave other people alone. Just because one is entitled to an opinion, does not mean it is the wisest thing to express it whenever you feel like it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 8:33pm

Hmm. Based on this one post alone, I would say to stop talking to your husband about his mother. You certainly don't want to put him in a position of *defending* her. That puts him in a place of not being able to acknowledge her annoyances even if he sees them.

If you have already tried approaching her as one grownup to another and she has failed to respond as an adult, I would try to think of her as something to deal with but not worth getting worked up about. Like a naughty puppy maybe? You just deal with it, but it's not useful to get angry.

Keep an eye on your dd when she's around, for situations as you described. But unless she is malicious enough to snoop through your drawers or tell lies about you to your DH, I suggest you treat her as if she is not having a hissy fit. If she is giving you the silent treatment, ignore it. Obviously it's pointlessly petty to ask questions or make comments for her to *obviously ignore*, but you can be a gracious hostess none the less. Just more obliquely. Put on your "Gracious Hostess, Calm and Unflappable" persona and instead of directly offering MIL something, or inviting her to the table etc, just move close to her and politely state whatever it is and move away without waiting for a response. ie, "MIL, dinner is ready." as you calmly move past on your way to the table. She can choose to pout or come to dinner. Doesn't matter to you. Unless she says something, of course. If it's polite, respond in kind. If it's rude, either respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way" or something equally innoccuous or perhaps a sad, kind smile as you move off to tend your dd.

Your family can choose to follow your lead or they can stoop to her petty childishness, but I do hope they don't contribute to her tantrums. Hey, think of this as practice for parenting. You will need to deal with unacceptable behaviour without getting angry or overwrought. :o)

You cannot control the behaviors of others, but you can control your reactions to it.

Put her in the "annoying behavior of someone *I* am *NOT* responsible for" category and conduct yourself with poise and grace.

If she ever decides to act as a responsible, caring and mature adult, you will be in a better position to help improve the relationships than if you get all worked up over her and do things you *might* regret later.

If she never does, you can slap your DH upside the head and tell him that at least *YOU* acted like a grownup!

If any of this is helpful, then I can rest content. :o)

If not, then I hope you find more useful suggestions.

I do wish you and your family the best.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 9:09am
I do agree- you can't tell from just one post. So here are a few more things that have happened. When I had my daughter, I specifically asked that only my mother and my dh be in the room. My dh didn't have the guts to tell his mother that she had to leave so she ended up staying. Then when I brought my dd home, my MIL had gone into my dd room and completely reorganized to the way she wanted it. And when I said something to my DH about it, he just replied that she was just trying to help. I had spent two weeks trying to get my dd room to the way that I wanted it. Let's see, she also got upset and cried bc I asked everyone to leave the room when I was trying to learn how to breastfeed. She has also told my DH that if he ever wanted to leave me, that she would help out with my dd. The woman can't stand me bc my dh and I didn't get married right away when we found out we were going to have a baby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 3:24pm
Perhaps this is an isolated incident, perhaps you are married yourself and have a wonderful relationship with your in-laws, perhaps you've never had to live in close proximity to someone who makes a deal about any given triviality. It is difficult, and without support and the ability to vent, it would be near maddening.
MIL should have addressed the issue directly with DIL, not SIL. It's called respect. Supplemental advice and offers of help can be done in a respectful, mindful manner as opposed to an assumptuous and critical one.
Ideally, there would be a friendship as a base to their relationship; making constructive criticism and offers of help be received in a non-defensive manner. Would you want someone to simply state "You look fat in that dress" or "That's a nice dress, but I think I remember one you have that looks stunning on you." or something of that nature? It's called diplomacy, and that, my dear, is what helps to create the society you're speaking of.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 3:26pm

It may take counseling to get through to DH -- he may very well need to hear what you are saying and your side of this from a neutral third party to really "get it". He obviously is not understanding it now.
DH needs to see that his loyalties need to be with you and your child, not his mommy.

I don't blame you one bit for being upset about this woman coming into your home and undermining your authority and parenting of your child. I went through the same thing with my MIL. I finally had to tell her that when it came to bedtime/naptime routines, mealtimes and discipline, she had better not interfere with my way of doing things if she wanted to spend time with her grandchild. This all began when she would come to our house to visit when DS was napping and push me aside to go wake him up to play with him. It took a bit of training but she finally learned not to tamper with me where my children and their routines were concerned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 4:40pm
Okay then your reaction makes perfect sense to me. You are carrying huge baggage.
My advice would be to go to marriage counselling. I dont have the problem of a "mama's boy".. my husband is perfectly willing to back me up and my in-laws are kind, decent people for the most part, plus I am a very easy going rational person, so in all I dont have a lot of problems with my in-laws, (except my crazy SIL) but I do have friends who are going through similar problems. It seems that having a third person spell things out helps both parties recognize their issues and come to a compromise regarding things.
I have to say that I would be livid with my DH if he let my MIL see me at my most vulnerable. That is just not done, and you are right in feeling mad about everything. She obviously has her issues. You wont be able to change them, but counselling can probably show you how to deal with them in a way that doesnt make you angry and unhappy. Plus it'll get your husband to grow a spine, hopefully.
Good luck and keep us updated.

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